OurPath Open Forum
This forum is for discussion of issues related to Mixed Orientation relationships only, that is when one partner is heterosexual (straight) and one is Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender or Questioning.
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- 99bob
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Re: A brief intro
Hey Doug,
I'm in the exact same boat as you, three weeks since the bomb. The only difference is that I've been married 27 years. Your relationship with your spouse sounds identical to mine. It's always been based on love, communication, support, etc.
Unlike many on this board, my wife didn't cheat, honestly didn't allow herself to fully accept who she is, so I can't associate with those that say "she's being selfish", or "get out now", or the like.
I know this has been a very hard journey for her, and she knows the pain and confusion this has caused me.
What we don't know for certain, is where this journey will take us.
I don't have any advice for you and your situation, I just wanted to let you know, that despite what you think, there is at least one other person on this board that is going through exactly what you are.
We both need to be strong.
- a_dads_straight_journey
- Member
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Re: A brief intro
Doug, Bob,
Please understand that this journey is not a short one and
many of us here had enormous compassion and empathy for our spouses in the first months of disclosure. Especially if they haven’t cheated. ( the attorneys that led us through mediation claimed my ex and I were the most kind to each other they had ever seen) But over time as they come out, the straight spouse becomes less important to their intimacy needs. In my case, my true anger didn’t start until I became a single parent and the loss of parenting support had an impact on the time and quality of time with my children. My ex had ample opportunity to discover her true self before children - we had 6 years of infertility and 3 years of pursuing adoption before the first child. I’ve posted in other places that even the most amicable divorce spreads resources of time and money thin by at least 30% and the children suffer, especially the loss of time. I lost an enormous amount of 1-1 time with my teenage son at a critical juncture in his life.
So the people here attempting to be direct and potentially sounding cynical and even bitter because they may still be in the anger phase of grief, may just be bearing harbingers of what may come for you. They have your interest at heart and simply hope that you use this time to prepare for it.
I do hope you check back in over time whether it’s going well and you were spared the experiences here or if you find yourself needing more support.
All the best,
ADSJ
Last edited by a_dads_straight_journey (November 28, 2019 6:00 pm)
- Doug42
- New member
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Re: A brief intro
‘Tis the Season for a giant slice of embittered humble pie.
Thank-you to everyone who took the time to share their experiences and thoughts with me.
Today has been HARD - it was my last ‘family’ Christmas before I move out of our home in the new decade (the three way relationship fantasy was just that). I have spent good chunks of this, the most wonderful time of the year, sobbing in to my wife’s shoulder in the spare room and hearing ‘I’m sorry’ for the 100th time.
I knew where this was ending when I first chose my password for this forum, but I am still at the point when I am hoping that I do not get entirely marginalised in her new liberated life. I don’t want to admit that I have been pushed out of the life that I love and helped build but know that is what has happened. I will never hate her but unintentionally she has forfeited my life.
I will not have to fight for what I am rightfully owed financially, she is a reasonable person, but I am fucked if I can be bothered to pick out a toaster and kettle for myself in early 2020.
Happy Christmas everyone and love to everyone who felt like me today.
Doug
(Yes I am several drinks down)
- •
Thread Starter- OutofHisCloset
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Re: A brief intro
Doug,
I moved from the marital home into my apartment and the night before I was to sleep there for the first time I realized I had neither a coffee cup nor coffee. Or a spoon. Or a towel to shower with.
I spent a lot of time in my new place sobbing, using the walls in the mostly bare rooms to hold me up.
I promise that it gets better.
- Julian_Stone
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Re: A brief intro
I’m so sorry, Doug. I know how much this sucks. I keep hoping for that one success story here, but it never comes....and I’m not naive enough to believe I will be it. It seems like you will be ending this relationship on the very best terms possible (again, this sucks). The bit of light is that you’re still young enough to find love & make decades worth of memories with someone new while still maintaining a kind, loving relationship with your (ex) spouse. That is the best any of us can hope for in this situation. This “bisexual” thing is quite cruel because it keeps us chained to the *hope*....but that bomb never stops ticking, does it? I wake up in the middle of the night and there it is....
Sending loving vibes your way.
Xo J
Last edited by Julian_Stone (December 25, 2019 11:17 pm)
- Doug42
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Re: A brief intro
Confession time: my wife came out as gay (she is still is having issues with the word Lesbian) 9 weeks 4 days ago.
We both like mathematics; she described herself as 80-90 on a scale of 0 = only fancy opposite sex and 100 = only fancy same sex. I held on to the 15% in false hope (30% bi is an opportunity right...?).
The hardest part so far has been the physical rejection. Quite understand her need to reset and work out her desires and everything but, ignoring the screaming signs of eyes closed or mostly from behind, we had a good sex life until the shutters came down. I want her so badly for so many good and bad reasons right now, but mostly because the sex is the only part that is missing from an otherwise complete and excellent partnership.
The second hardest part is the lack of coffee cups....
Last edited by Doug42 (December 26, 2019 5:47 am)
- •
Thread Starter- a_dads_straight_journey
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Re: A brief intro
Doug, so sorry to hear the news, we all would like to see a different ending...And it sucks that it is at this time of year..,
two quotes that I found helpful on this journey..
Start where you are, use what you have, do what you can - Arthur Ashe
We must embrace the absurd and go to a place we have never known - Janie Gustafson
It’s very probable that you will encounter additional absurdity on this journey - there were many times where I told myself I couldn’t make this sh*t up if I was writing a script.
On the logistics, you say you are moving out. Have you consulted an attorney before doing so? The optics on who moved out can work against you if custody issues get contentious...please check with one before you make that move...
All the best,
ADSJ
Last edited by a_dads_straight_journey (December 26, 2019 5:46 pm)