Tammy,

      I lived with my now-ex for three years after he declared he wanted to take hormones, get an orchiectomy (have his testicles surgically removed) and transition, but after considering the reality of such a course of action backed away from the decision to go public and decided to "just" act out his desire at home.  When he made this declaration he also told me he had been crossdressing in secret for some years. Despite his decision not to go public, my ex never lost the desire to do so; his internal struggles and the way in which he projected them outward onto me further poisoned the dynamic in our marriage.  
   
    I've been on these boards for three years now, and in seeking clarity and information and help and support have read the psychological literature, book-length memoirs by women whose husbands were late transitioners, and web based accounts by women in our situation, as well as other forums--like Mumsnet.  I'm going to post an additional post with some resources for you.
 
    Which is to say: I've been in a place similar to yours, and I've done my research (I'm a recently retired professor, and a former director of a women's studies and gender program).  

    Before I say anything of a more personal or general nature, I want to comment on two specific things in your post. 

One: Your husband did not let you know he was a cross-dresser until the day before your marriage.  I'm sure that at the time you, 23 years old, and 28 years ago at a time when crossdressing would seem like something out of left field, were gobsmacked with that news, had no idea exactly what it meant, and, the day before your wedding, felt as if you were in no position to slow things down to figure out what what that meant about your fiance and for your marriage.  He sprung it on you, that is, at a time when you were least able or likely to consider what that meant for your future life together, and perhaps end the relationship.  Even if he were to claim that he told you to be honest and the timing was conditioned by his shame over his cross-dressing, I'm also sure that this knowledge, his withholding this information, and you living with both of those things over time affected your marriage negatively, even though you may have tried to explain it to yourself in a way that excused his behavior, and even though you tried to turn a blind eye and the two of you came to "an understanding" about it.  

  Two: Your husband's drinking.  An alcoholic is an addict.  Your husband is an addict.  Addicts develop certain behaviors and attitudes; they are duplicitous and manipulative; they act in secret, they excuse their own behavior and refuse to take responsibility.  (Who carried the family while he was drunk for a year and refusing to get help?  Rhetorical question: you did, of course.)  Just because your husband may have stopped drinking doesn't mean he is no longer an addict.  And his crossdressing and feminizing activities (shaving, hormones) work like addictive substances on him.  He wants more and more, and it takes more to give him that "pink fog" high.  (There's a joke in the trans community: What's the difference between a crossdresser and a transwoman?  Three years.)  My ex was also an addict who at various times in his life had out of control (or attempted to control) relationships with drugs, alcohol, or, in "dry drunk" episodes, internet use, food, sugar--and I'm sure I've forgotten others.  Your husband's therapist may think that his drinking was an attempt at self-medication because he was repressing his urge to crossdress/feminize/live his gender expression (and you say you have your own thoughts about this), but it's a certainty that the habits he developed are not simply going to disappear once he gives his gender expression free rein.  Also, and this is important: what you do or don't do, whether you stay or don't stay, whether you "allow" him to cross dress or take hormones or not, if he begins drinking again you are not the one who is responsible for his drinking--he is.  He has had YEARS to come to terms with his drinking and with the pressures that lead him to cross-dress, and he has chosen not to deal with them.  

  Now you're at the crisis point, when your husband's urges have become undeniable for him.  It is a clinically observed and documented pattern for "late-transitioners" like your husband and my ex that a crisis or life-changing event can precipitate the decision to declare, finally, their desires and to act on them.  In my ex's case, it was also a death in the family.  And as with your husband, that death threw my ex into a tailspin; he became depressed and anxious and his drinking escalated.  He also began going online and spending large amounts of time there on trans porn and trans roadmap sites, amping up his crossdressing--all without telling me.  When he did tell me, he'd already been immersed in transworld for over three years.  I was playing catch-up.  You are playing catch-up.  You may have known your husband was cross-dressing, but it doesn't sound as if you were talking to him about why he does it or what he feels while doing it while he did so.  This translates into our feeling unbalanced, and they exploit our imbalance for their own purposes. 

  Here's what I'm going to tell you, based on both my experience and on my reading.  If your husband said he wants to take hormones and revealed that his wish--if not his present goal--is to transition, he is telling you the truth.  That is what he wants.  And even if he doesn't do those things, his desire to do them is going to condition his actions, his attitude, and your marriage.  His desire to do more, to express more, to move ever closer to making some kind of reality out of his desire to be a woman means he is going to continually push the boundaries, even agreed upon ones.  Once they make their public declaration to you and start down that road, they don't stop.  And that he is going to "gender affirming" group therapy in which he cross dresses means he is immersing himself in that "affirming" culture. If you don't wish to be married to a man who is feminizing himself with hormones you should listen to yourself and act on that.  If that's your bottom line, your boundary, then you are going to have to enforce that boundary by leaving if he crosses it.  But know that even if he initially agrees to respect your boundary, he isn't going to give up.  He is going to push that boundary, and he is going to use every means to do that: manipulation, guilting you, making you feel sorry for him, and he may go ahead and act in secret without telling you he is.   

He's going to do this because I can tell you from experience that the primary focus of his life now is his gender expression.  No matter what he says, you are important to him only to the extent and in the ways that you help or hinder him.  He says YOU have "checked out"?  I'd say it's your husband who has checked out--he doesn't want to be man or a husband.  He wants, in essence, to have his cake--his transness--and to eat it, too--his marriage.  The only person who is going to be asked to compromise, and to remake her ideas of marriage, her sexuality, and her self, is you.  They don't compromise.  They don't stop wanting what they may agree not to do, and they don't stop pushing to make it happen.  Every time they get you to accept the next step (going shopping with him, say), they begin pushing for the next one.  And as a transwoman online says, they will spend a lot of money in pursuit of their addiction, so protect your finances. At the very least, cancel the joint credit cards.

   You say that you and he want to stay married, but you also say you don't want to be married to a man taking hormones.  He, however, wants to take hormones.  There's a fundamental conflict here that is not gong to resolve itself (especially when he is getting those "affirming" messages from his therapists and his group). For him, the conflict is going to be resolved when you agree to let him do whatever he wants, and you accept it.  Or you two retreat into a standoff similar to the years of his crossdressing.  My now-ex told me that even though he had at present decided not to get an orechiectomy and had decided to stay closeted, he would not guarantee that he might not change his mind down the road.  It sounds as if you, too, are in such a contingent situation, and recognize that  it's no way to live, never knowing what might happen, always being in reactive mode.  I told my now-ex that I couldn't live a contingent life.  I don't see how the conflict is going to be resolved for you if you stay in the marriage.  

Here's the bottom line: is what is going on in your marriage, are his actions, acceptable to you?  




   
 

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (November 22, 2019 11:08 am)

OutofHisCloset.- Thank you.  You put into words some of my thoughts.It is so hard to just say this is it, after 28 years.  I am willing to meet with a therapist with him, but as you said I am in a waiting period.  That's what it feels like....

You have said a lot and given me some things to think about and to read.....it will take some time to digest all of this...

And I've never blamed myself for his drinking and I refused to let him gaslight me about it....

Yes, my husband is an addict.  When we first dated, he was bulimic....it seems he goes from one addiction to another...there have been some online sexting issues too with men.....I grew up with a father as an addict....

I'm still unsure of what I want to do...and he knows that...but you have definitely given me lots to read and think about...thank you...