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November 3, 2019 8:14 am  #31


Re: A FRIENDLY MESSAGE FROM A GAY EX-HUSBAND

mumof3

Sean stopped posting and coming onto the forum some months ago.  You might try searching for his name with the search feature, and reading his posts, because what he has said in response to others who have asked similar questions will tell you what you want to know: yes, your husband is gay.  

(One of his threads was very very long, so I can't believe this is the only one, unless he has asked to have all his posts removed.)

 

November 3, 2019 8:50 am  #32


Re: A FRIENDLY MESSAGE FROM A GAY EX-HUSBAND

Thank you for replying.
Given all I wrote, it is ridiculous to imagine otherwise, but nevertheless it is a shock to have someone say those words to me: "Your husband is gay".
And yet in another way, the simplicity of those 4 words takes away the ifs and buts that I have spent so much emotional energy on. Nothing can change it; so I have to deal with it as a reality, not wish it away. 
Whether he accepts this is another matter. 
I am having that conversation with him later this afternoon. 
I hope wherever you are in re-building your life, you have people around to support you. Thanks again for taking the time to reply. 

 

November 3, 2019 4:44 pm  #33


Re: A FRIENDLY MESSAGE FROM A GAY EX-HUSBAND

Mumof3

Regarding  closing comments of your long post, yes - it is the perennial dilemma of the Straight Spouse, somehow stick it out for the stability of the children or leave to have a relationship with integrity.   Best wishes as you sort this out but you seem to have a rational command of the issues. 

All the best,

ADSJ

 

November 4, 2019 1:58 am  #34


Re: A FRIENDLY MESSAGE FROM A GAY EX-HUSBAND

Mumof3–

You are in a difficult spot in this journey. Reading your post, it seems you already know your answer inside. It is very hard to accept. You sound like you are moving in the direction you have to! If I had to give you my opinion after reading your info, he is gay! 

I went through a similar situation over the past year. I’m almost 2 months post divorce now, and although it’s been the most difficult thing I’ve ever done, it is also giving me peace. Many stories here (mine included) the spouse denies ever acting on these “fantasies” but when the story goes deeper, that spouse usually has acted outside the marriage already. My spouse also was having huge life altering events at work and began the obsessive gym routine, selfies, change in clothes & hairstyle, lack of regard for anyone else’s feelings including mine or the grown kids/grandkids. He obsessed over the diet & protein shakes, etc.  most of what he did, he did with obsession and by the end, I felt like I didn’t even know the person I had been married to for over 32 years. And honestly, I had not known him at all.  He was a gay, greedy, self-centered, lying, cheating, worthless person. He put on a very convincing front for many years, to me and the other people in our lives. Now I know!

Best wishes to you to get through this tough, tough time!  Please dig for more though, there is usually more to find or figure out!

 

November 8, 2019 9:08 am  #35


Re: A FRIENDLY MESSAGE FROM A GAY EX-HUSBAND

Thank you "control" for your reply and support. I am definitely in 'figuring out' mode. He and I have had a long and what felt like an honest conversation about it and now I am processing all we discussed and deciding what I need to do, if anything. And letting my brain and emotions just get used to what I now understand and didn't before.

 

November 8, 2019 9:14 am  #36


Re: A FRIENDLY MESSAGE FROM A GAY EX-HUSBAND

a_dads_straight_journey wrote:

Mumof3

Regarding  closing comments of your long post, yes - it is the perennial dilemma of the Straight Spouse, somehow stick it out for the stability of the children or leave to have a relationship with integrity.   Best wishes as you sort this out but you seem to have a rational command of the issues. 

All the best,

ADSJ

 
Thank you ADSJ for your reply and support. He and I have had a long and what felt like an honest conversation about it all and now I am processing all we discussed and deciding what I need to do, if anything.

I do believe we have a relationship of integrity - there is no infidelity or interest/ intent in doing anything sexual with anyone else on either side - so it feels more an issue of mutual fulfilment than anything. I am getting my head around all this and may be back to share more or seek more help in due course!

I really appreciate everyone's support, thank you.

 

November 9, 2019 12:40 pm  #37


Re: A FRIENDLY MESSAGE FROM A GAY EX-HUSBAND

You are welcome and I truly hope you both can make all the pieces of the puzzle fit.  My ex declared she needed to act on her desires which was unfortunately a deal breaker. 

All the best,

ADSJ

 

November 20, 2019 7:10 pm  #38


Re: A FRIENDLY MESSAGE FROM A GAY EX-HUSBAND

SEAN!!!!! I missed you man! I hope you're still checking in from time to time and I hope you read this.
Its Angie, and I have an update.
    Its been a while (about a year now since I last wrote on this forum) so for those who don't know me, I joined this group about this time last year. I was a newly-wed back then (married in April of 2018) and I was already struggling with some of the common experiences that many straight spouses go through...the lack of sex or affection in general from my GIDH, the gaslighting, the lying, the silent treatment in order to shut me up and not bring up TGT. I was feeling so hopeless and alone and couldn't imagine my life without my husband. I struggled with feeling like a failure because I was just married and already thinking about divorce.

So over the past year I fought for my marriage. I drug him to counseling, I prayed, I attempted to talk things out but the gaslighting continued. Near the end, I started to really show that his behavior was getting old and he began to change... but by then it was too late. I was not going to allow him to suck me back into a sexless, loveless, dismissive, roommate-marriage. I was so close to being free that even the thought of working it out with him was NOT AN OPTION!!!

   Weeelllllll fast forward to today. I am two months out from getting a divorce. I told my GIDX that I could not live in secret anymore and that whether he is gay or not, I deserved better treatment. I told him i needed to move forward with the divorce process. He was NOT happy with that. He cried, he yelled, he blamed me, he cussed me out, he said outlandish things to try and get a reaction out of me, he dragged his feet.... but he signed those papers. We have a court date this upcoming Monday and then 2 months from that day I will be free. 

    As I look back on my marriage I realize that my husband is not a bad man... he is just wounded. He protects himself from facing his shame by projecting it unto me. Our culture needs to end homophobia... there would be no straight spouses if we just loved everyone for who they are. I understand that now and I forgive him even if hes never apologized. 

   Although, I am going through this and its so painful I have moments when I can not contain my joy that I was strong enough to say goodbye and set myself free. Now I have a chance to find someone who is not afraid to love me. I am so happy and so grateful for everyone here especially SEAN!!! Your words were the ones that snapped me out of the trance I was in. I finally saw things for what they were and my life back then was a literal nightmare but you guys woke me up... So thank you. Thank you Thank you Thank you! IM FREE!!!!

I am saying all this because I want anyone who feels the need to leave your marrige to know that its gonna be ok. There is hope! I thought i would never see the light at the end of the tunnel. I thought I would be better off if I stayed because at least i had someone that could tolerate me. I wanted to stay because it was familiar and I didnt know what life looked like away from the GIDX. But here I am... Im still alive...Im ok. I am happy even on my own. IT GETS BETTER!!!!

Last edited by angie1 (November 20, 2019 7:13 pm)

 

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