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1 of 1- Here always
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Emotionally confused
My husband and i met at age 4, started dating at 16, married at 20, daughter at 24 (now she is 17) and son at 27 (now he is 14), decide to quit forcing our marriage at 42. 22 years of marriage over. My future plans have all been blown out of the water. My husband is gay. He refused to admit it to himself and tried to by married but he was miserable and it poured out onto me. I do love him but i know we are over as husband and wife. I hope we grow and stay close as friends. But i am so hurt and jealous. Two weeks after we called it quits he had a boyfriend. And now not even 2 months later he is moving out. He is a good man and father. I know he will still take care of me (and the kids). But it hurts so bad and this whole thing is fun for him. He gets a new life, home, furniture, love interest and freedom while here i am mourning and stressing about how i can pay bills on my salary alone.
I know i am being selfish and having a pity party but this hurts!! And i want to be strong and encourage and support his new endeavors but i also want him to realize how hard i worked for him and how much i sacrificed. I have no friends that want to listen to my cry baby thoughts. I feel so alone. And i miss him warming my feet at night in bed. And hugs, oh man do i yearn for any touch. Or someone to ask how i am.
I know it will hurt less down the line. But now my heart and my head are battling and it sucks
- OutofHisCloset
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Re: Emotionally confused
You are not being selfish and you are not having a pity party. It's perfectly ok to wish your soon to be ex husband well while simultaneously grieving for your loss. Of course you are grieving! You lost a husband with whom you spent 22 years building a life. Now that life is gone through no fault of your own. It is ok to be hurt; it is ok to grieve. And yes, it is difficult to watch your spouse treat the break up of your marriage as a cause for celebration that he can finally be himself when for you the break up brings financial worries and loneliness.
Don't beat yourself up for what you are feeling. What you are feeling is both normal and legitimate.
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Emotionally confused
Here always wrote:
I know it will hurt less down the line. But now my heart and my head are battling and it sucks
The truth is.....we have to get through the hurt first before we can start to feel anything else. We all get through the Mindfuck in our own way but the grieving for the futures we thought were ours, and the loss we feel for the person
who destroyed it comes before we can have a clear, hopeful view of a life after it.
I'm amazed you say nothing about any anger you feel. I found indignation about what was kept from me, the lies that were told, the reasons for his change of manner towards me...helped me get things in place (legal things) if
they are needed in the future.
While I'm doing this step by careful step.....you seemed to have taken a gigantic and brave leap and not taken into consideration your emotions. It sucks you have no shoulder or soundingboard in the shape of a friend (no family member at all?) because....and I apologise if I'm wrong.....I think you forgot to be angry at the man who fucked up your life, and I think talking to a counselor would do you the world of good.
I just want to hug you and sit down and talk with you
KIA KAHA
- Here always
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Re: Emotionally confused
I am not really angry. I figure he has no control over being gay. It sucks that he denied it for so long and gave me false hope for 22 years. Or that he will no longer be my husband but he still loves me and now i understand that it is not the love a husband should feel for a wife. I just worry that my emotional roller coaster will ruin any future friendship. I am hurting and lonely and just want to be touched or have someone want me in that way. My focus now is on him adjusting to his new lifestyle and our kids.
This is just so messed up and i don’t know how to be ok with this whole thing.
No more family vacations or holidays. I miss the little things already like listening to my husband sing in the car. Or having me feet warmed at night. Or knowing he will be there when i get home.
I am jealous that he is living in the downtown apartment we dreamed of having and he is getting all new stuff and my house is a construction mess in every single room. And he isn’t there to finish the projects. And now i can’t even afford to eat out or buy the new winter coat i wanted. And he has so many new friends and a boyfriend and it hasn’t even been two months yet.
Ok so maybe i am a little angry but then that makes me angry at myself. This whole thing is just such a mess for me.
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Thread Starter- lily
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Re: Emotionally confused
Hi,
You know the sentence that stood out to me was "I just worry that my emotional roller coaster will ruin any future friendship."
He's dropped this bombshell on you and you're supposed to suck it up or risk losing his friendship?
The decision I made was to use my anger to help myself - get a lawyer and push through a divorce settlement. He was a complete cow to divorce.
you have done nothing wrong, you got misled - like all of us here. Give yourself a hug, don't be angry with yourself in time you will come to feel really good about yourself.
it's a complete bitch that he dumps all the half done projects and goes off to live the high life. you're entitled to your feelings about it.
wishing you all the best, Lily
- OutofHisCloset
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Re: Emotionally confused
Granted, he can't help being gay. However, he does have control over his actions. Whether one of those actions was to deceive you after he realized he was gay I don't know. I do know that if he has walked away and left the house with a lot of unfinished projects and doesn't intend to finish them or make arrangements for them to be finished then you ought to be angry. And to hire a contractor to finish them, with the bill going to your soon to be ex-husband.
Also, your "focus now" cannot be on him and his gayness and his new life. You can't help him be gay. You can't help him adjust to being gay (not that it sounds as if he needs your help). Your focus has to be on YOU and your kids. You might want to work on establishing some boundaries, so you aren't devastated by news of his new fabulous life, because the less you see and know of his new life the better it will be for your emotional state and your healing.
- Here always
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Re: Emotionally confused
But that is one more way i will lose him
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Thread Starter- lily
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Re: Emotionally confused
you think the nicer you are to him the better he will treat you. It works the other way, the shorter, the more difficult you are with him, the nicer he will be to you.
you only get one shot at divorce and then you live with the consequences for the rest of your life - unfinished projects and no Winter coat says a lot about what he's offering.
Get some help on the ground - doctor, lawyer, family members who have your back. Talk to them.
- Rob
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Re: Emotionally confused
herealways,
Your post compelled me to write as you seem like an empath like us...
" ..And i want to be strong and encorurage and support his new endeavors.."
"My focus now is on him adjusting to his new lifestyle.."
..and then you write about the hurt and anger you're rightly feeling...
As Gandalf said about Saruman in Lord of the Ring .. he cannot be both tyrant and counselor.. These spouses cannot be both a good spouse and a gay cheating spouse. They cannot be both a good friend and a spouse with an apartment and lover. Their acting like its normal or morally ok does not make it normal or morally ok. His saying he loves you but his doing what he did makes his words meaningless.
Build your support system .. on top of your list should be a lawyer. A therapist and priest/pastor can be on there. It is right and just ...if he wants to live like he is without being divorced then he should have no problem with you changing the locks and asking your permission to see the kids.
Last edited by Rob (November 19, 2019 10:59 pm)
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7