So the quiet around here thread got me thinking a little bit why Im not on here as often as I was ..   But the forum here as a godsend when I was going through this  and still  gives me a  place where I can express my perspective and people get it.     Here's a random post/thought from me today...

I'm 3 years divorced and have slowly put my life back together..  Im doing well and  from time to time I looked back with that 20/20 vision that you can only experience from being away from the trauma and dysfunction.  I've had several of those moments..like the end of the Sixth Sense movie where it hits you but is shockingly clear..

I looked back and cannot see the TGT much..  some signs in the bedroom but nothing screaming gay.. No ,  I look back though and see the narcissism.. a slow insidious narcissism that my GX had even when we met..Talking to old friends and family they saw it... but being I lovvved her...they could not warn me...

I was reading this article from this poor individual talking about CPTSD;    
https://www.elephantjournal.com/2016/10/living-with-c-ptsd-following-an-abusive-relationship/

..and I can identify quit a bit  with the PTSD....the  fear and triggers...   One thing mentioned was the gaslighting..  "One aspect of the aftermath of the relationship that affected me most was the daily gaslighting that I endured. This left me finding it difficult to believe anything people would tell me, and I analyzed, questioned and dissected everything. .."

And I thought yes..   my GX pointed it out how negative I was sometimes..always questioning and analyzing her...and I felt bad about it...  but would end up doing it gain..it wasn't like me.. I did realize it..
 
And now looking back I realize OMG...  I was doing that because what she said sometimes in all her conviction was not true.. it was totally false... My questioning her was really me trying to inflict reality into the situation.  She did it all the time...i.e. ..  "you don't  like the way I fixed that faucet (the one that is still leaking violently...the duct tape not stopping it)..your so critical and negative.  
Why don't you like me going out with my girlfriend..your so critical and negative..

I can assure you  I noticed how uncritical and non-negative I am now...  When friends or family tell me something I can take them at their word...I no longer have to question or analyze things for truth.   I can voice my opinion without fear of rage or weeks of silent treatment.     I look back and see how I was..   but I can also see how I was reacting to a slow insidious narcissistic  person.

I encourage anyone one going through this not to be hard on yourself for your actions..  do not jump on their bandwagon of comments against you.   Even if their comments have some truth your actions are there for a reason.
Deep in our bones our actions are sometimes trying to protect us..


 

Last edited by Rob (November 10, 2019 9:01 am)