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  •  » Don't know what to do...I just want it to work... advice?

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    October 30, 2019 5:11 am  #1

    Nate1234
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    Don't know what to do...I just want it to work... advice?

    Hello,

    I am confused and don't know what to do. Any advice is welcome.

    My wife came out to me six months ago while deployed overseas with the military. She didn't know what to do. Over the phone I asked if she wanted a divorce and she replied yes. My heart sank and my world was broken. I continued for the rest of the deployment trying to stay busy, connect with new friends, and seek professional help.

    She is now home. We have had our ups and downs upon her return. Every returning member from a deployment has troubles reintegrating. Ours was even tougher with the elephant in the room.... my wife wanting a divorce.

    I questioned everything... and I mean everything. I questioned if what we had was real, if it was my fault, and what could I have done differently. She replied... yes it was real, however, I don’t love you romantically. It isn't your fault. You couldn't have done anything differently. However, I do believe some of what I did didn’t help the situation. I feel I complicated it for her. I feel pressuring her to have sex and try things didn’t help.  I was distant and jealous of her success which also further drove the wedge into our marriage. And not providing space to communicate about a sensitive topic didn’t help. Other than this one issue we are perfect for one another. We are each other’s best friend.

    My wife and I are very open and honest with each other. It is something we treasure about our relationship (despite what is stated above). During a conversation the other night she stated “I don’t want to label myself.” (Meaning herself as gay). This statement has me questioning, if she isn’t gay or doesn’t want the label then where the hell am I in the relationship? If she doesn’t want a label then why can’t she explore her identity with me supporting her until she figures it out? This is what has me confused.

    Thanks!
    Nate1234
     

    Last edited by Nate1234 (October 30, 2019 5:12 am)

     

    October 30, 2019 6:47 am  #2

    lily
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    Re: Don't know what to do...I just want it to work... advice?

    Hi Nate,

    firstly welcome to the board.  The main thing I want to say is just the simple fact that you are confused says something.  Your wife's been herself all her life after all.  Why are you only finding out about it now.

    "I don't want to label myself" seems to me to be a phrase that women sometimes described as bisexual use a lot.

    Your wife is telling you she doesn't love you romantically and it isn't your fault and that is her being honest with you.  And her wanting a divorce before going any further shows character.  

    Look after yourself, you will have a future again, it's around the corner but tough times ahead, so look after yourself and don't dwell on your faults or errors but put an arm round your shoulders - be your own best friend.

    wishing you all the best, Lily

     

    October 30, 2019 6:59 pm  #3

    lily
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    Re: Don't know what to do...I just want it to work... advice?

    sorry, but thought I should add that come to think of it really the more likely explanation for why your wife wants a divorce now isn't because she is caring about you so much as that she might have a strong girlfriend.  

    and the hope that she will figure herself out?  if she is like any of the bisexual women I have met, you won't ever get any satisfactory answers - it's an endless stream that never gets to the lake.

    Last edited by lily (October 30, 2019 7:01 pm)

     

     

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