TaC.....hey there, welcome to the Still With Your Partner board. What am I hoping for? That I can get through this and survive, and be happy & content with my choices. 
I have an old friend who was one of the first people I told about the bombshell that shattered my life.....she said "honey you just have to rip that plaster off and stop tugging at it slowly" But my circumstances, and the history of us, means that I've decided I'll do it all in my own sweet time There's no measure....no hard & fast rule that says if you don't get out RIGHT NOW! you'll regret it for the rest of your life. There are forum members who will tell you that you'll regret it but they're not you. 
There was a blog I read...early into this Mindfuck....by a gay man who told his wife he was gay, they stayed together, both 'allowing' the other a sexual freedom, and by all accounts their decisions were mutual & compatible...blergh! 
So that's one choice (it'll never be one of mine) 
There was a point a few months ago when I started to focus on myself, and where *I* was going. I no longer wonder whether he's still being dishonest, still emailing others. I don't let myself get emotional about it......

.....I'll continue this soon  
 

tornandconfused wrote:

Thank you Ellexoh_nz . Ya, I am just curious to know the thoughts/logic of others who want to stay in it.  Me too! always interested in how others are managing....navigating it 
I don't think I'll ever get a straight out admission, but I do feel we are getting closer to an unsaid (but known) kinda thing.I guess I was lucky, in a way...I got an email that told me things he thought I'd keep to myself (and have never shown anybody except my counselor) and I kept that email, and my response to it more as 'proof' if it should ever be needed. 
I am not even sure how I would handle it if I did, honestly. And you will never know unless YOU bring it into the open. Start responding to his anger in a measured and quiet manner with your own thoughts and emotions (deep breaths  
I don't know if unsaid but known qualifies as = open relationship /  sexual freedom, but I know I wouldn't be 'okay' with that. Sounds like you're still wrapped in the safe cocoon of "nothing said/nothing wrong/everything's okay". It's not okay. You can feel that it's not....right? At some point you need to open the conversation and start telling him how you feel. It'll feel like a thousand bricks crashing down (his angry words) but just step back and watch them fall, he's expecting you to not step back, waiting for you to scramble and tidy all the bricks up apologetically. Don't give him a reaction he expects

Right now, I just feel like...I know what's going on, I don't want too 'see' it (or even talk openly about this 'other' relationship). I used to beg and plead and cry. Never got any definitive answers or admissions. So I stopped beating myself up about it. But your partner DOES have another r'ship? Boy oh boy....I'd be outa there. That's the conversation you NEED to have. 
But I also don't want to continue with the angry outbursts (on his part) Stop accepting them then for what seems like no reason, or the constant plight to 'fool' me. Ffs....tell him you're not fooled! If this is what's happening and this is the road he are taking, I just want respect as his WOMAN (the woman that everyone else thinks I am to him...his significant other). And I feel like if he could accept it himself, then he could stop being so mean to me? It's not respect when it's done with anger

You know...if you're going to have a beard, respect your beard. If we are pretending for the world, we need to pretend (to a certain extent) all the time. Be nice. Respect the fact that this is a lot for ME to deal with. And Respect ME even when we are not in front of your family, don't just discard me and disrespect me when they are not around. His friends at least have their priorities straight...they have wives and they make sure their wives are 'okay' just like any other man would do. They don't get angry when their wives express that they feel neglected (or whatever). They don't just treat them like hamsters (feed/house them). They will always go HOME to their wives at night. Hell wives have to keep up a facade on their end TOO! I know this board....the MOM board.....may appear  to be here to help people stay in their marriage/r'ship.....but I've gotta say TaC....you're getting a raw deal. You get Disrespect AND a lot of belittling as well. Never compare the r'ship with your partner with those of his friends. Start looking at how YOU are being treated. 
 

Know what I mean?

TaC....do you have children, and have you told any family or friends about what you're dealing with?
 

tornandconfused wrote:

Ellexoh_nz , so...I have brought it out into the open. Meaning...he knew when I started suspecting (because I told him and asked questions). He knew when I finally became 'sure' of it. But he has never actually 'admitted' it (or denied it, for that matter). He does know that I have been hurt by this (knowing that i lost my man, to another man). It's only 'open' because they are co-workers and the apartment they spend most of their time at (together) is the 'jobs' apartment. So they have an 'excuse' to be there all the time, alone together. 
I don't understand how you're okay with how he's treating you. Even if, in the end, you stay together....he's treating you like shit. Not only is he having cake and eating it to....he's telling you to wrap it up because he's going out to eat at somebody else' house

They've been friends/coworkers for over 15 years (way longer than I've been around), so it's like...they are living in this 'relationship' that (unless you're one of their spouses) no one would ever question. so he doesn't admit that there's a relationship, but there definitely IS. To the point when he's here with me, he has to explain why he wont be 'there' that night (when it should be the other way around), and doesn't even realize that he giggles at his phone when the friend texts him (that young giggly giggle that we do when we 'like' someone). Disrespectful 

I compare the relationship because...hell...his 'friend' has a wife at home (all his friends/coworkers do). And this 'thing' they are doing...they're both doing it. It's just that...it seems the friend has his priorities straight and makes sure his wife is 'okay'. I guess I'm like...DUDE...if you're gonna try n do this...take NOTES! This guy isn't going to trash his picture perfect life to maintain what you all are doing. And when he goes 'home' and he WILL, you're gonna be left standing there...ALONE (because you couldn't...prioritize?). Is there any chance you could talk to the wife of the your husband's friend?

Overall, I guess he is really self-centered oh....you think? and isn't considering how this is affecting anyone else. Just wants to do what he wants when he wants and ultimately...he probably deserves to be left alone in the end. I'm just like...I'm trying be understanding and not to just skip out on him (hoping that he will one day accept himSELF and decide if he even wants to have a beard. Stop thinking about HIM....start wondering why you're willing to accept crumbs from a man who brushes them off the sheets of a bed he's been in with another man

Yes, I have a son (not his). He is 16 and has aspergers. I have talked to his mom about this 🤦‍♀️. Not accusing him of anything, but we talked and I told her all the things that were happening and her response was 'i mean...i don't believe it' (i think she meant, she didn't believe he was 'gay'), even though I never said that. She took the stance of...maybe you just weren't the one for him and maybe he really is destined to be alone (I was thinking...ya...except HE IS NOT ALONE he is with that guy!). And yes, initially I was soooo confused, hurt, and desperate...I did talk to people (my sister, and couple friends). Now I know that was a mistake (I didn't know about places like this forum back then). The only safety net there is that my family/friends do not know him. He incorporated us into his family, but all my fam is far away. I just used to HOPE to find out about another woman (so I could understand why he changed with me), and all signs said YES he met someone and is with another woman. Only...there was never any other woman...only a man. I think sister has known all along because asked her last year about the male bodybuilding mags (under the bathroom sink next to his porn?) and she laughed and whispered to me that he had the same mags at their parents house and she had wondered before. Then later when I certain he was seeing someone else, all she ever said was "I'm pretty sure there's no other woman". Those were here exact words, and the only words she would ever respond with (almost as if...she was trying to tell me without telling me). You need to talk to your sister, confide in her, ask for her advice....sooner rather than later

I did recently get myself a car and have been able to be more independent, which has allowed me to now respond more like you said...measured and quiet. I used to get all emotional and start spilling my guts and crying etc. Now I just watch him go through all the phases from being nice, faking like he wants sex, to making himself angry (usually to get out of it), to placing blame, to telling me 'this isn't going to work and he wants to be alone' (to have a reason to stay at the other apartment for a while). It is quite...amusing now, actually 😂. 
Go see a lawyer....know your rights. Don't tell your immature husband. 

Just trying to take it one day at a time and let time reveal what is to become of us. 

tornandconfused wrote:

Ellexoh_nz - first...you sound like my sister lol. I already know what her advice is. I know what my advice would be to her. But I am not saying that I am 'okay' with how he's been treating me (at all). And I agree with evvvvvverything you are saying (disrespectful, treating me like shit, all of the above). My sister also really wanted to reach out the guy's wife, but I forbid her to do it. Because if there issues don't have anything to do with 'that', I don't want to make my own situation worse by getting her all upset and curious. Ya know? I do know if I knew of a possible ally going through the same shitstorm as me....I'd want to take a deep breath and say to her "could we sit down together and talk?" You don't know that she's fine with it. Talking strategies with a woman who's husband is doing yours...so to speak....gets that closet door open a bit

Plus (to clarify) he is NOT my husband! So I at least don't have to worry about legal stuff. If you're living together then of course there's legal stuff. I've been with my partner over 30 years, never married but it's still a legal issue.  But he does take care of me and my son totally (financially), so that's another reason I initially was feeling 'stuck'. I really do love him though. And the reason I am thinking of 'him' is because I think something terrible 'happened' to him (prob 20 years ago) and he was left these...desires. And I can tell that it's something he hates about himself, but can't help it. So...I guess I am just trying to be compassionate (even though it has been at the expense of my own heart, and it is getting harder). Just because 'something' happened to him (maybe) years ago doesn't mean he gets all the compassion & understanding. His support is his way of keeping you as his cover. You're okay with that?

I've had experience with this with my own brother (passed away in 04), so...from a totally different position. So now that I know what's the underlying reason for this behavior, my self esteem is returning, and I am able to not take is quite as personal. But it is personal! This is YOUR life that he twists to suit himself. So I'm giving him every opportunity to open up and allow me to be a friend through this Friends don't treat each other like he treats you... if nothing else [while also working on setting boundaries]. Setting boundaries is rough now because I had started feeling worthless for a while and forgot that I needed to respect mySELF (before I knew what was going on). But I do have my limits, and I know I will have to leave if things don't get better...fast. 

Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (October 30, 2019 6:52 pm)