Thank you everyone for the advise. 

Tonight was the worst. It is her last night in our bedroom (if everything goes as planned) we both got home after a long day and just sat there not talking. She could tell that I am(was at the moment) struggling with all the negative emotions. She would ask how I was and I said it was rough but that I was coping. She kept pushing and wanted more details about my feelings which forced me to handle them all at once and I'd start to break down (despite my best effort). I had gone the whole day without crying. I did cry but only a little. She took those feelings on herself and then lashed out at me because she is dealing with her own feelings. I didn't fight back. At one moment I tried to touch her arm to calm her and let her know I do care about her. She recoiled with a look of disgust like I was about to infect her with the plague and said any physical touch with me made her even more miserable. There was no point in doing anything. She's hurting, tired, hungry and also lonely. So instead of enjoying our last night together and acknowledging what it was and being okay with it the night became of steaming pile of shit. Now here I am at 3am typing this up because I've been away for the last two hours.

It does testify why we do need our own space. I think I will bunker up quite a bit for awhile but try not to affect the kids by it.

She wants to be the one who moves out of the house. She isn't making good enough money for her standard of living. Can't seem to find an apartment she likes within 20 minutes. And doesn't want to live at her brothers house down the street even though he has room and we have lived there before. She doesn't want to live in the town next to us (10 minutes away) because she grew up there and it has triggers? or something. She does coincidentally want to live right near where her girlfriend is though (/shocker). She continues to say that her girlfriend isn't that kind of relationship.  I asked her how disconnected she needs to be from me and the kids in order to move forward. She got very offended and said it had nothing to do with the kids and they she will always be there for them. Except of course when she has her personal workouts in the morning with the girlfriend or when she has to work late three or four nights a week (girlfriend works there), or when she just wants to smoke pot and chill with her girlfriend for ahile. She said she didn't like how I was insinuating that she was leaving the kids and said that she would leave them out of spite if I brought it up again. So yeah, that was fun. I only want our kids to see their mom. Fuck me right? I get used as a live in babysitter while she gets to focus on herself. Not that I mind spending time with our kids. I relate to them a lot better than she does.

She is really upset are herself that she doesn't have better means to provide for herself. This is by her choice. She took the time to get her masters degree in IO psychology (graduated in 2018) and instead of trying to get a high paying job she wants to work her passion in the fitness industry working for a startup crossfit gym making $15 an hour. She feels trapped with me in our house. 

Some advise someone told us is that you need to look for the little things that a positive in order to make it through this. So here are some:
- I found some videos on  youtube that have helped me build self confidence and got me through the day
- Her childhood friend who our family visits every now and again reached out to me and offered support / comfort.
- I had a really good workout even with her there
- I do get along with her most of the time. Usually no problem if we are talking about something other than our relationship
- Got some minor improvements made on the house. One step closer to the basement apartment that can provide additional income.
- My mom texted me, she doesn't know the divorce is back on yet. But it's good to know someone cares.
- I still have my job and survived a huge layoff. But this has impacted my performance hard.
- I've been reading "Think and grow rich". and it has been motivational
- The weather is still nice even though it rains
- I am able to meet my basic needs. Except for sleep at the moment lol. Bed is a little chilly right now .
- I have a good support form of people who are able to empathise with me and provide support. Thanks everyone .
- My kids are handling it well and are able to pretty much continue their daily lives.
- A mutual friend has been posting good motivational items on facebook. Clearly geared specifically for us but it still is nice.

So yeah, just taking this one day/hour/minute at a time....

 yes bunker up and look after yourself.  

glad to hear you have a bit of a support team forming, and yes I bet you are able to relate to the children better than she can.  

wishing you all the best, Lily

Just checking in.

One week after we decided we were getting a divorce it hit me. Like hit me like you see in the movies where the emotional pain is so bad you fold in half. I could physically feel my heart strain and tear. So much so it was like a pulled muscle for the rest of the week. I felt like begging her to stay. Telling her we could do a sexless marriage and that would be okay as long as we stayed together. It felt so bad knowing that I was going to be alone a lot. Like half of my body was just lost in a car accident. She came home after being out with her girlfriend and comforted me. I hated myself for wanting her comfort so badly. I did not want to dump on her emotionally either. I know she is going through the same thing. Truth be told though her hugs that night helped more than any hug I had ever gotten in my life. She understood where I was coming from as we both get hit by it in waves at different times.

Later last week we had talked a few times and she started to grasp that she had been building an emotional connection with her friend from several months before we first decided to get divorced. She did not intentionally do it and I believe her but she can kind of see it. Ultimately her relationship with the girlfriend didn't matter. It was the catalyst to helping us see her true nature and what has been causing problems in our marriage since day one. We still both know and understand that divorce is the best course of action. She has even come to terms that she will need to quit her job if her current employer doesn't step way up with a raise and insurance. She deserves it. She has literally paid for herself at least four five times over in the last year (made them her annual salary in profit x 5). We will see what comes of that.

Right now she is living in the other room and we still are on very good terms. She tells me about the things she is scared of in this new life style and I support her the best I can. We are working towards getting her a separate space out of the house but it is going to take some time. I still miss her so much every day. When she is gone I hear every car coming down our busy road and hope that it is her. Partly so I can say hi and see her, partly because I get lonely as fuck.

Having a hard time talking to my mom about the situation. She does her best to listen but I can feel the silent judging happening over the phone. Then she tries to sneak some Jesus in to the mix like that is going to help. Jesus isn't my/our thing. It used to be. Infact this entire situation came to be because of organized religion, but that is another story for another time. 

Here is to moving forward. The pain is slowly getting better every day. Suicidal thoughts are coming far less frequently. Some great advice I saw this week about break ups is to remember that the pain is only temporary like all situations in life both good and bad they never last forever.

I've been focusing on myself right now. Trying to fill my free time with things I like to do. Let's hope thing keep getting better.

Str8guy,
   It does get better as others have stated.   Each passing year, day, hours.  Sometimes its just about getting through the next hour and celebrating that success.   I am three years out from his disclosure and I still have rough days, however they are fewer and farther between.  I still have moments of hurt, anger and deceit.   I journal a lot when I am feeling the pain, it helps get it out but not taking it out on anybody.