Dear What- 

Thank you for so accurately articulating the (FALSE) negative self image held by the great many of us Str8s whose confidence, sexuality, awareness and life (SELF) has been systematically destroyed over years by a parasitic, narcisist GID pervert that deceived their way into our life. 

"...after years of no interest in me sexually, I figured I was simply unattractive, ... why would any sane/normal person find me attractive?" ... it's a real uphill battle to reformat my brain to seeing beauty & attractiveness ... The worst part is, I don't know if the challenge of dating & finding a new mate is even worth the effort".

I was emotionally empty and socially lost after toughing out 36+ years with a GIDX wife to ensure my son was raised right.  After stepping out of the FOG, I spent 7 years keeping myself safe from more abuse, then healing.  
Then, I realized I wanted and deserved more from life -- in particular an honest, hetero companion !!!  Then, I realized I was expending more energy to keep myself locked away and safe than it might take to put myself out there and try to get what I wanted.

When I changed my perspective from "What I can't do" to "What I want in my life", doors opened, I grew, good people arrived in my life and (at 68) I'm well embarked on the nice, balanced life I’ve always wanted.  

Be patient, keep focused, do what you must, then build the better life you deserve. 

Best luck - John
 

John wrote:

When I changed my perspective from "What I can't do" to "What I want in my life," doors opened, I grew, good people arrived in my life...

Well said, John. This is where I am too. Can you say what happened to change your perspective, or how it happened? It will be different for each of us, but I think that's helpful information to share. These forums spend a lot of energy and time offering support, commiserating, normalizing for each other, all of which is necessary, but I wish there were a proportional amount of discussion about how it gets better. Because it does get better, but it's work that we have to do for ourselves and on ourselves.

One such moment for me: long after the divorce was over, I was thinking how she was still making me miserable, and then it hit me, "That's crazy talk." I hadn't seen her, spoken with her, been near her for months, etc, and yet I was telling myself she was still making me miserable.  By that point, she had nothing to do with it anymore, really; I was keeping myself miserable. But I think we have to go through it until we tire of it, to get to that place in our heads. That was just one of several "ah ha" moments for me.

Last edited by BryonM (September 14, 2016 1:43 pm)

Responding to Bryon -

Q:  “Can you say what happened to change your perspective, or how it happened?”
 Thanks for asking, Bryon.  Your question helps me reaffirm where I’m at.

A.  My positive journey accelerated when I finished healing past wounds (ie. looking in the rear view mirror)  — I was 7 yrs past my divorce being final; only needed psychs for a minor tune up every few years, my prostate cancer hadn’t recurred; I fully understood how I’d let myself be so duped into a false marriage, son & DIL were off on their own lives; I was financially stable again, clients were happy; I appreciated that Str8s’ passage thru dark times enables us to light a path so that other Str8s might easier find their own way from the gay thing... 

I was sufficiently healed to set goals and look forward  – Phase V of Wendy’s Recovery Map http://www.southfloridaconnects.com/uploads/2/4/5/9/2459046/wendys_recovery_map_2012.pdf

During my healing time I’d thoroughly studied the cursed Narc-Gay Thing on SSN and other sites, ate right, exercised, valued family, etc.  and worked fun volunteer and paid jobs.  Repeat success attaining client goals showed me I should do as well attaining my own personal goals. 

So, I threw caution to the winds, quit listening to my negative programming, and set out to build the ME that I always wanted.

Successfully sailing your ship through this nasty GID thing, then breaking past the storm to blue skies makes one a wise and seasoned sailor.  Confidence and experience gained from this nasty passage gives strengths for dealing right well with life’s difficulties.    

I’m enjoying that.

Best to all - John

You guys sound so strong.  I'm a month out of the cruel gay closet and I am relieved. Sleeping better. But I get sad sometimes and I'm a bit adrift.  Its uncharted waters and I'm just feeling my way around.  I somwtimes feel like...an abused animal..they opened the cage door but I'm afraid to go out because the cage is all I've ever known.

WendiT wrote:

I lost everything my house, my keepsake, my marriage, my past and what I thought would be my future.  But very early on I learned to embrace gratitude. Every day I would find something to be grateful for.  I did not have anything so I would be grateful for a beautiful sunrise, a temporary roof over my head, for the phone not ringing with problems.

The shattering and fracturing force of the truth of our lives is so devastating.  It is usually unexpected and unplanned (who has a Plan B for oh, my spouse is gay?).  That is why the recovery we make and the lives we build again are so sweet and lovely.  That is why so many of us can say to newcomers that "Yes, you can do this and there is life after TGT".  It is because from the undefinable pain and sorrow we begin to really appreciate and be grateful for even the simplest things in our lives.  We rebuild on stronger foundations and we begin to live our lives, not theirs.  The adversity we face makes us stronger and makes life sweeter.  Just remember to embrace the good stuff that occurs along the way.
 

That was so well put. "The shattering and fracturing fore of the truth of our lives..." Even though the truth is painful, it is so much more valuable than the lie. I have found that the lying, though, begins to come from me - to myself. I already don't trust her, but now I need to question myself and my motives. If I'm lying to myself, that is as damaging (maybe more so) than her lies.