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1 - OutofHisCloset
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the past rears its ugly head
I don't know that I'm asking for support, but this happened to me in the past couple of days, and has been on my mind, and you are the only people I know who can understand, who know what this is like, and I need to talk about it.
So...
I'm four and a half years from disclosure, eighteen months from moving out, and eleven months out from divorce. I'm no contact with my closeted cross dressing/autogynephilic ex, and, for the next nine months, a thousand miles away. In the past few months I've actually been fairly amazed at how little he has crossed my mind. Even when I have thought about the issues surrounding transgenderism, such as allowing self-identified transwomen into female spaces or female sport, I have not thought about HIM.
My ex and my son, who knows nothing about his father's closeted life, are living in the same town. My ex continues to work at the university, in the same department, where we were both professors (I officially retired at the end of the past academic year, in July 2019, two months ago).
My ex is on sabbatical for this academic year, and from experience I know that when he is on his own for months at a time he tends to ramp up his cross dressing and other sexual activities and retreat further into his fantasy world. When this happened before, he started crossing boundaries at work, and started dropping broad hints to others--declaring how he was emotional, etc. So I wonder/worry whether he will at some time this year let his cat out of the bag. What he does is up to him, and it would be a relief to me to have it out in the open. BUT: I worry about my son, and his reaction should this happen, and I want to be able to reach out to him if necessary.
A couple of days ago, I asked a friend of mine--who knows--who is also a colleague of my ex's, if she would let me know if she sees that he has shaved his beard, because I wanted to have some early warning system in place in case I need to be ready to talk to our son, and I know from experience that shaving is a sign my ex has crossed a threshold. It was very a very important move back in 2015 when he disclosed to me, and to him signified he had crossed the line of presenting as a woman (because in his twisted version of woman "women are smooth"). When he decided to stay in the closet, he grew back his facial hair to sport a Van Dyke beard (rather than a full beard).
After I made this request but before I could tell her why I wanted this info, she volunteered that in fact he is now sporting a full beard. This immediately threw me into a whirlwind of questioning that runs the gamut of response.
One strain of thought: Has he finally, as I always hoped he would, come to his senses, gotten help and desisted? Did I act prematurely? Was I not supportive enough as a wife? You know: the old "it's my fault, something was/is wrong with me." Hopium (Chump Lady's term for the addictive and self-destructive properties of hope) and the belief that my behavior could change or control his.
On the other hand, there were these thoughts, all of which at base stem from "You know from experience and time and indeed from his own mouth that he is not going to give up his belief about himself and change." I know this to be the truth, as I saw it demonstrated over and over again. Six years of his decision that he was trans--three lived in secret (at least from me if not from the ex student he revealed all this to) before dropping his trans bomb and three after--tells me he isn't going to change.
But despite calming myself over that fear, there were other thoughts:
Is he engaged in some internal testing of himself? (He has a history of such tests, mostly around compulsive or addictive behavior: eating, drinking, sugar, etc.)
Is this a form of "deep cover," a more extreme form of the "camouflage" he considers wearing men's clothing to be? Does it indicate that he's ramped up his activities, so he needs to make efforts to shore up his public image so no one will suspect?
Has he jumped on board the "grow a beard for philanthropy" train precisely so he can enjoy his sick sexual pleasure of shaving it off (feminizing himself)? A dangerous game, and again, a sign that he is ramping things up, and I need to be on alert.
In other words, I've been playing the "what could it possibly mean?" game. Back rushes the uncertainty of those years of not knowing, of him refusing to take anything off the table but leading me to believe he was happy with his current expression, before moving the goal posts again. Back rushes my concern for my son, convincing me that I made a mistake when thinking I was protecting him I did not tell him the full truth about why we were divorcing, and left it up to my husband--without giving him an ultimatum that if he didn't tell within a specific time then I would. Once again I'm consumed with anger over the unfairness of his masquerade, presenting himself as what he is not, and thereby deceiving his colleagues about his motivations, and secure in his secret life allowing them to believe that I was the problem.
I learned from this that I need to have not only no contact with him, but no knowledge of him. My reaction surprised me; I thought I was beyond the reaction I actually did have. I need to continue to police those boundaries.
Last edited by OutofHisCloset (September 29, 2019 8:59 pm)
- Rob
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Re: the past rears its ugly head
OOHC,
You know my reply.. no contact. When my kids say anything about the other house I cover my ears and say lalalala.. I just dont want to know anything.. its interesting...my parents will ask and if they ask my kids they will talk freely about their mom.. I just dont want to know.. she is not a significant part of my life now. Even now as I type this I question whether she has any right to the space in my head to let me put down thoughts here. The answer in all truthfulness is ...no she does not.. She has really have forfeited all rights and privileges to my time, antention and resources.
I also would not doubt yourself.. even if he "changed" and goes and marries a woman say,,,could you do that again knowing this would/could/will all rear its ugly head again.. The anxiety will eat you up. Not your problem now. Its truly a gift from God to free of the hurt.
Yeah we understand here .. we loved/love our spouses. But they will hurt us...even hearing about them hurts us.. wish them the best and move on.. NO CONTACT.
PS: Marc and Angel has quote today;
You are not the past. You are not what happened to you. You are what you choose to become in this moment. Let go, breathe, and begin again...
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- beingatpeace
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Re: the past rears its ugly head
I've been on Chump Lady these few days - thank you for recommending to me and some disclaimers. I'm not familiar with your ex's sexual orientation, I'm just starting to know more about GID and the whole gamut of issues that come with MO rels.
I'd like to think I have some experience with people's character and what I've seen so far, some basic traits/characteristics/behavior (hidden or disclosed) do remain constant for the most parts.
Whatever he is doing, maybe he doesn't even know! He is just going with all the whims and fancies of his desires. Like an untrained mind. For most ppl, following desires is like a game of Simple Simon.
You've gone through so much and it's not easy. Oh, I know how hard it can be. Our minds are always telling us something. The thoughts, sticky with our emotions and memories. We have to peel it off. Separate the truth. Isolate it. We just gotta remain an observer and not be swayed by these thoughts. Just as they come, they will go.
Just let things be.
Final disclaimer - all these are easier said than done. I'm guilty of not walking the talk at times.
I wish you clarify and endurance. Remain calm.
- OutofHisCloset
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Re: the past rears its ugly head
Rob,
Yes, definitely...no contact! I've been no contact, and taken steps to remain so. I think what took me by surprise is that even hearing about what he might be up to threw me for such a loop. Now I know that no contact has to go beyond actual contact with him. It also means not allowing him into my thoughts AT ALL.
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Thread Starter- OnMyOwnTwoFeet
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Re: the past rears its ugly head
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Last edited by OnMyOwnTwoFeet (December 11, 2019 9:23 pm)
- Rob
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Re: the past rears its ugly head
Fwiw his growing a beard to me means he could be too lazy and depressed to shave.
Just review Tom's top 10 ways for dealing with your narcissist;
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- walkbymyself
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Re: the past rears its ugly head
Can you explain your decision not to tell your son? Is there a plan to come clean to him at some point?
Relinquere fraudator, vitam lucrari.
- Whirligig
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Re: the past rears its ugly head
It sounds like the effects of trauma to me OOHC. I haven't talked much about my experience with the first (suspected now) GID in my life but I still, occasionally, over a decade later will have anxiety, feelings of panic, and unexpected crying episodes if he comes up in some way.
This garbage lasts for a long time. It's nothing wrong with you and doesn't reflect on your coping skills or progress at all. It's just the nature of the beast. It got a lot better the further away I got but even now it rears up when least expected. Thankfully not much. Months go by, sometimes years, until something unexpected touches a nerve I didn't know I still had.
My most recent experience was arguably as devastating as it was precisely because it was so similar to the first go around. And yet less because knowing the pattern got me out of it, limited as it was, a helluva lot faster. No way was I going through that again.
I think you are remarkably strong and have done so well to move forward and free yourself that you shouldn't be hard on yourself or doubt yourself for this. Try and use these traumatic reminders to your benefit if you can. I'm sure you are, honestly, already, but here's hoping your situation continues to improve.
- Leah
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Re: the past rears its ugly head
Dear OOHC,
Whirligig is so on point, it is the effects of trauma and being emotionally tied to his rollercoaster that any little tidbit of information about his process sends you into that space of what is happening, how do you mitigate the damage to yourself and your son, what does it mean etc, etc etc.
Rob calls it out right - no contact is the best way and I also get caught up in these mental holes where you wonder - was I somehow to blame, could I have saved my marriage if I were more x, y or z! We loved our partners, we felt for them and this empathy is now a traumatic trigger. I think no contact is so difficult after long marriages in which you had an intelligent level of companionship and understanding. They are not monsters, just flawed humans that do not have our level of empathy. Otherwise they would have treated us differently. You were understanding enough. But it is hard to be out of a relationship after so long. I am struggling so much still with getting into mental contortions at times. I have to stop it and institute a kind of mental no go zone, stop those thoughts immediately because I just end up in a place of grief and mourning again, which maybe is just more processing of a very long standing trauma. Feeling my feelings is tough when so many of them are of loneliness and grief still after so long. Untangling the skein indeed OMOTF!!
But be easy on yourself, the loops are untangling. And the mind can be allowed a few loops now and then! OMG I have been on some doozies!
OMG isn't kinda hilarious all this talk of beards!!! MY name is beard and I am legion as Kel said! haha.....
Been here, wrote about it here
- OutofHisCloset
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Re: the past rears its ugly head
All,
Yes, hearing about my ex, even for the reason of wanting to set up an "early warning system" in case I needed to be there for my son, animated the trauma of that time, including all the second guessing and wondering (the "untangling of the skein"), but I was surprised by my response, because I had thought I was past that. And I mostly am.
Walkby, Your question about my son has been on my mind the past few days, and I believe that the secret of his father's sexuality that I continue to keep is something I need to address, because I wouldn't have had to be thinking of my ex at all, in any capacity, if that secret weren't still sitting like a weight on my relationship with my son.
I have explained before, I think, that although I told my now-ex (when I told him I had seen a lawyer and wanted to divorce) that I wanted an honest relationship with my son, my now-ex flew into a rage when he heard that, and browbeat me out of telling him directly. What I told our son was that we were not splitting up because "we grew apart," but because of an issue with his father, that was his father's to tell him, and that although his father knew I was telling him this, I also knew that if he (our son) asked him (his father), his father would say "Some things are private," because his father had told me he would say this, and refuse to tell him the truth.
This was a mistake on my part, and one I regretted then and continue to regret, because it discouraged my son from asking his father--because why would he ask his father if he already knew his father wouldn't tell him the truth--and it didn't require of his father that he tell; it simply transferred the consequences of my now-ex's cowardice from him to me, which his life in the closet had done to me all along, from the moment I knew.
I've let that mistake stand, because I didn't know how to remedy it, and because our son seemed to be fine without knowing, and I didn't want to rock his boat. However, the further out I get, the harder it feels to tell the truth to him, and the more I worry that he will either say, "Why tell me the truth now?" or "I feel betrayed you didn't tell me the truth then" (despite it not being my responsibility to tell this truth, but his father's).
The further out I get, however, the more imperative it is to me that my son does know the truth, because I still want an honest relationship with him. It's important to me not to hide from him, just as it was important not to continue to go along in my job having to hide away from all my friends/colleagues (my now ex and I worked in the same department of the same university), which I found intolerable (even if someone didn't have to know, and I wouldn't have told everyone, I felt I was living under a bell jar and living a lie, which I found so intolerable I withdrew from shared governance work). There's also the possiblity that he will hear it from someone else in my family, as my mother and siblings know the truth.
So your question, Walkby, has spurred me to think about how to remedy this situation with our son, why I need to, and how I might go about doing so. Someone else here said they told their spouse that the spouse had a certain amount of time to tell the children, and if he didn't, then she would. (I'm sorry I can't remember whose solution this was.) I thought it was the right solution at the time; I intended to do that myself, but, as I say, allowed myself to be browbeat out of it. I am now going to do this.
Phoenix has asked me a couple of times whether I would be willing to take a more active part in the SSN, but because I am still keeping my closeted spouse's secret from our son, I have felt unable to do that, because I didn't want him to find out about his father from the internet (say if he searched for my name and it came up attached to the SSN). So I have decided I will be presenting my ex an ultimatum: either you tell him, or I do. And I will tell my ex why.
I won't do this right away, because I am currently living a thousand miles away from our son (who in any case is in his last year of a degree program) in order to help my aging mother. But I have said that I will help out in this capacity only until next May (which gives Mom and my siblings and me time to plan for her next step), and then I will return home. My idea right now is that once I return home (and my son has that degree, so the news can't derail him academically), I will demand our son be told the truth--whether by me or his father within a time period I will give him. It's important for me to take this "shoe" of our son's discovery and remove it so that it is no longer hanging over my head. I'd rather deal honestly with whatever fall-out comes of telling him than to continue to lie by omission and hide from my son; I can't believe it's a good thing to maintain a dishonest relationship when we could have an honest one. I also think it's a necessary step in my own recovery and healing.
PS: yes, it is hilarious, "all this talk of beards." I confess I hadn't connected my ex's actual beard with our collective status as a beard!
Last edited by OutofHisCloset (October 3, 2019 1:36 pm)
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