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1 of 1- Flengle
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1 month later.. what now?
I’m 27 and living in the UK.
I have been with my husband since we were 15 in high school. We have been together a total of 12 years, two of those married.
4 weeks ago, he disclosed that he is gay.
When we first started going out in high school, he had told me his was bisexual. I was okay with that as we were in a monogamous relationship. I had asked him a couple times since then if that was still the case and he still felt he was bi (as we were teenagers when he had first disclosed this). He had told me he wasn’t and he was just a confused teenager and to some extent it was “cool” at that time to say you were bi. I accepted this.
But now he is saying he is definitely gay and he thinks he has been repressing these feelings due to feeling dirty due to a childhood abuse incident (which I knew about).
He says that our relationship was real and he did mean everything he said on our wedding day because that’s what he wanted at that time.. but now it’s not.
We are splitting up (I wanted to try but he didn’t) but are still living together at the moment for the short term. He has moved into the spare room. This is due to finances, me having nowhere else to go, and also because we both do want to stay friends. We have always been best friends, first and foremost, throughout our whole relationship. At some points over the last 12 years, he has been my only friend. This (thankfully) is not the case anymore.
Living together has been difficult at times as I’m still very much heartbroken and sad and angry and struggling to deal with all this. Whereas he’s in a very different place, in that this is a weight off his shoulders and he’s wanting to explore this part of his life.
He admitted to me yesterday that he went on a date on Thursday with a guy. He doesn’t think it’s going to go anywhere though. I know since we have technically split up but I can’t help but feel that he is cheating on me. It has only been a few weeks and we’re still living together in this kind of limbo stage.. I thought he would at least have the respect to not pursue anyone while we’re still living together but clearly not..
Really I’m wanting to know how to navigate this initial ‘limbo’ stage. I feel like I don’t know how to act around him now and he is saying the same. I am still very much in love with him and I’m finding it very hard to deal with this transition to a place where I can’t tell him I love him or reach out for his hand or ask for a cuddle while I’m crying. Things at home at still quite the same but also very very different and I just don’t know how to cope with that..
Does anyone have any types on how to stay living together and how to continue to be friends?
- morpheus
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Re: 1 month later.. what now?
First of all, get some professional to help with your thoughts. That was crucial thing and helped me a lot. Even one visit would make you feel better.
Second, please, understand that things happen. Don't ask yourself why, what could you do better or blame yourself. I know, that it's hardly possible, but you may try to concentrate on what you'll do now, not the past.
Also, it's pointless to blame your spouse. He is not the same person you think you know.
I would advise you to separate from him as quickly as it's possible. It's really toxic to be with him. You both live now in different dimensions, so it's pointless to try to find common spots.
I'm also in doubt about the "best friends" idea. I banned my wife from social networks, cause i find it hard to know that all info there is not for me anymore. I think you should ask your husband to refrain from new relationships till you would live separated. he should understand that himself, but it's different dimensions now, as i told, so you have to draw new lines yourself.
take care of yourself, the worst is behind already.
- lily
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Re: 1 month later.. what now?
Hi, you know what, there's friends and there's friends. What sort of friend is this? I can remember back to being 27 and how old you feel and that is your biological clock ticking, 27 is a good age to start a family. In terms of a lifetime though, 27 is young, a lot of living ahead of you and still time to meet a man who can love you back.
So I ask again, what sort of friend is this? I am going to guess that the oh I am gay is directly linked to interest in a man but instead of saying that, he is ooh I might be gay but I meant my wedding vows at the time. Just like a spider will always spin a thread so he will always spin a yarn, it's in his nature, he will always want to look good and there is no accountability to be had as a friend let alone a lover.
Your entire young adulthood has been spent on him. Terrible as this is I can help you find some perspective - I was 19 when I met my ex and gave him 40 years. Terrible as this is I have a wonderful sense of life now.
I know you are asking for tips on how to stay friendly but first advice is build a support team for yourself - doctor, lawyer, any supportive family and friends you can confide in.
my tip for staying friendly is to pick a pillow put your favourite slip on in and start cuddling it and confiding in it as if it were a teddy bear. switch your allegiance from gay husband to pillow teddy! that way you are not pushing on him emotionally - he's gay, he has a gay emotionality, let yourself float away from him. and at the same time, don't talk about his being gay - let him settle back to normal.
Look after yourself!
wishing you all the best, Lily