"how did you overcome your fear that it won't happen again?"

Keep your eyes open and don't get lost in the fuzzy-wuzz of feelings.

Flags are always there. This time don't make kind excuses for them. IE: his sex drive is a little lazy because of weight or age. Look it in the eye with zero qualifications and say "our drives don't match" instead, and leave it there.

Most of us arrived here because we created excuses for flags and alarm bells.

I actually went about this like an employer. Sounds odd, I know, but think about it. Would you hire a man that is incompatible with your business and watch him drag it down losing rep and money days, weeks, months, years? Why are we willing to accept into our most sacred space, our personal lives, those people by making excuses for them? I quit doing it.

I now go about admitting people into my life as I would hiring them for a position. It's the most important position we can ever hire for. Friend, lover, companion, confidant. My excuse making days are over. Measure up, or don't get the position. 😉

Rob,

"​i can look back and see how kind and loving I was and am..but how she said I was not.  How I lived under her warped viewpoint. How her morals were wrong and her screaming loudly or lying did not make them right."

That is some major gas lighting and without details, just reading your words, I'm disappointed with people. I can relate to a lot of your logic, I'm the same as well. 
I'm really sorry you had to go through all that. Dunno about you, but I've always felt like our time here is short and treating each other with kindness is the only way to go. And yet so many people totally miss the mark on how to be human and living life in a wholesome manner.
I'm glad to see you're nearer to the light and living in reality and not a life of sham. 
You deserve to be happy. You deserve to be surrounded by good people who has your best interest.

Lyonene, 
"I now go about admitting people into my life as I would hiring them for a position. It's the most important position we can ever hire for. Friend, lover, companion, confidant. My excuse making days are over. Measure up, or don't get the position"

Haha, yea that's a good way of seeing it. Makes total sense. I hear ya about not making excuses and having the partner step up. 
Tying in with Rob said earlier, we learn to enjoy our company and your message about getting respect we deserve. What happens if nobody steps up? 
I've lived a fulfilling single life but there's always this underlying need of spending my life with a bestfriend/lover. I thought I found it in him but it was a lie. And I guess the scary reality of never finding love again - this is a raw nerve for me. So weak. Bleh.

ADSJ,
Interesting that your wife kept mum. I wonder what thoughts ran through her head to see someone else live authentically when at that point, she couldn't?

Thank you all for sharing and showing me support. I'm really learning lots from this forum and Chump Lady.




 

Last edited by beingatpeace (September 30, 2019 7:43 am)

And if he doesn't you can still have a great life! I'm a long-time single who also really hoped to find someone (how I ended up here) and have accepted that at this point I am unlikely to get married and have children. It's still possible to be happy. That ache and struggle with loneliness may never go away but I also really enjoy being able to do things just because I want to! Oh yeah! Want that? Buy it. Want to go there? On your way. No hideous compromises. No painful fights. No lies. Especially that for me. No more crappy lies or liars who tell them. I get to choose not to allow that in my life. My suggestion for being single, for however long it lasts for you is just to find things, no matter how small, that you enjoy. Make friends! Travel! Try out some hobbies! Eat that food you like! No matter how long being single lasts for you, make it work for you and not against you. You got this.