It's true...watching gay porn does not mean a man is gay.

And even when a man watches gay porn because he is sexually attracted to men, that doesn't mean he isn't sexually attracted to women, or that he can't develop a deep emotional relationship with a woman.  What it does mean, however, is that he will always be attracted to men.

The long-term effect of "always" is extremely important to understand.  Because the attraction is permanent, the man must decide on a minute-to-minute basis whether to suppress or indulge in it.  Suppression works, especially in the short-run.  But long-term suppression has consequences.  It makes men very irritable, critical and withdrawn.  In time, this negativity poisons relationships, especially with the spouse.

ca32128 - In the near-term, you can have a terrific, fulfilling marriage.  But the decision in front of you isn't about what tomorrow or next month or even next year will be like...it's about how you will feel in 10 or 20 years. 

There's a reason so many mixed-orientation marriages fall apart after 20 years.  That's when the reality of "always" comes to roost.

Are you prepared to commit to a man who is already struggling with his same sex desires, knowing that those desires will never go away and will either require them to be regularly expressed or repressed? 

Can you be happy being forever tied to a man who regularly watches gay porn? 
Are you prepared to open your marriage in the future so he can have sex with men?

Just as the attraction is permanent, so are those questions.  Literally, they will never go away.  They may be "out of sight, out of mind" for periods of time, even years, but they will always come back.  And each time they do, you'll both be a little more exhausted, tired of rehashing the same problem over and over.

You can't know the future ca32128, which means you face a very difficult decision.  Do you trust that works for you today will continue to work in 10, 20 and 30 years?  Or do you walk away now because you don't want the chance of being 40, 50 or 60 and looking back on a life of regret?

Last edited by Cameron (September 10, 2016 1:37 am)

You just described the demise of my 30 year + marriage to a tee. Thanks for validating once again it couldn't be saved. Agree Wendi T, great idea to be posted in the general section as Required Reading.

I prefer "not straight" as a label more than gay or bi.  I find it's easier and more accurate to describe what I'm not than what I am.

Based on what you've previously said about your husband, my belief is that he's been so blocked by his conservative/religious upbringing, that he's hasn't allowed himself to try to understand who he is.  Essentially: the subject has been so taboo within his own mind that he hasn't gone there.  It's therefore a relief, now, to finally take a break from the deeply-ingrained fear and spend some time trying to figure himself out. 

Because he doesn't fully understand his attraction to men yet, thinking about it doesn't predetermine how he'll label himself in the future --- it just improves the accuracy of whatever that label will eventually be.  This means that, as painful for you as it might be, you'll both get more clarity sooner if you encourage him to think about men.  You can do that by asking open-ended questions and being positive about what he says, no matter what it is, just as a therapist would.  If you {quite understandably) don't want to play that role, encourage him to find one so he can understand himself that much sooner.

ca32128 - I would encourage you to trust your gut instincts about the future of your marriage.  All your perceptions above seem on-target to me. I completely agree that your husband needs to dig deep and think, that one night of thinking is nowhere close to enough, and that he definitely should have figured this stuff out before marrying you. 

Unfortunately, he doesn't seem anywhere near clarity when he sees his behaviors as a third-person would.  It's almost as if he's saying, "I don't watch gay porn, that's my secret identical twin!" 

He doesn't even appear to be intentionally lying, which is a little frightening.  He's just SO far from understanding himself that he can't even look in the mirror and see reality.  To have that little self-awareness at his age is pretty amazing...and it strongly suggests it will take him many years to figure himself out.  He's lucky to have you for support.

As helpful as you've been, I think your husband would tremendously benefit from attending a face-to-face support group.  My impression is that part of his lack of self-awareness is because he's completely isolated himself from others who have similar thoughts and attractions.  If there's an LGBT Center in your area, check their website for a schedule of meetings.  He'll be petrified to go but listening to others talk about their attractions will really help him put his own thoughts in context.  If there isn't a Center nearby, encourage him to read and participate in the Empty Closets "Later in Life" on-line forum.

As for your fears about being able to trust again, or that you are so damaged you'll have to live the rest of your life alone, those feelings are completely normal.  MANY straight spouses feel that way, especially while they're in your position.  I encourage you to start a new thread here about your fears.  You'll get a ton of support and you'll see how others have largely overcome those fears, especially after they meet the right person.

Although these are painful days, better years do lie ahead.