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September 26, 2019 9:38 am  #1


G, B or Q? And he's made me confused

Hi all,

New member here and am thankful there is a support forum like this. 

My partner and I have been together for 6 years, are best friends and have always had an amazing connection from Day 1. He pursued me hard and like those "soul mate" connections - we've been at ease from the first time we met, no games. Just straight up, being who we are. We've never really fought and have had highs and lows in life. But we knew we were in for the long run and took the challenges one by one. We are both religious/spiritual. We have similar temperaments, values, humor - the whole nine yards.

I thought we valued loyalty, honesty and commitment. He really respected me and many of my family/friends can see how much he loves and respected me.

As for sex, it's been hot and heavy for 4 years. The last 2 years, we've been separated by distance due to work/family/immigration matters so we haven't had sex. We've always been in contact and worked hard to close the distance, because he wants to marry me. We've never been overtly sexual. It's all very sensual but within "sensible" limits cause we're traditionalists. He doesn't really check out women, but I thought he's a gentleman. He has friends of both sexes.

We managed to close the gap, having come so far and endured LDR. 

Then here comes the surprise, out of the blue.

He asked for a break to search himself because he isn't interested in having sex with me, but he is deeply affectionate and still talks about the future. He admits he has feelings for men but has never cheated on me. He grew up in a society and religion that doesn't tolerate homosexuality. He's had thoughts of men but always shuts it down. He tells me this is a phase. This is a relationship challenge that we can overcome. He won't be in contact for 6 months while he sorts these matters out.

Now my best friend has turned into a stranger.

After reading the threads here, it doesn't look good. I have so many running thoughts and scenarios in my head. I'm thinking of myself and the future, I want to have - the future that has always included him as my husband. But if he has such feelings, he's not straight while I am. And the future feels like it's vanishing daily.

I don't know why I am here cause it feels like I'm asking for certainty of who he is. How can anyone know, when he is confused? Does he even know?

I just have to share my story. I truly believe people need to live an authentic life. I also believe people have to be honest with themselves. I don't want to be duped or lied anymore when I have been faithful and treated him as my equal/family. I just can't believe how could he do this to someone he claims to be his forever? Who stood by his side when he had no one/nothing and was always championing him.

Thank you for reading. 




 

Last edited by beingatpeace (September 26, 2019 9:42 am)

 

September 26, 2019 10:11 am  #2


Re: G, B or Q? And he's made me confused

It doesn't look good, indeed. Actually it looks like "many years of he, trying to understand himself and you, trying to not lose sanity" thing.
I'm glad you read the stories and wrote here yourself. I know that it helps, even if it doesn't seem like this right now.

 

September 26, 2019 10:27 am  #3


Re: G, B or Q? And he's made me confused

morpheus wrote:

It doesn't look good, indeed. Actually it looks like "many years of he, trying to understand himself and you, trying to not lose sanity" thing.
I'm glad you read the stories and wrote here yourself. I know that it helps, even if it doesn't seem like this right now.

Thank you for your reply.
It's been really hard to wrap my head around it because I have no tools to deal with this. It isn't just a "regular" betrayal. It's hard to explain but I think many at this forum understands this "duality" of realities we're all going through.

Yea, me not losing sanity because I never thought I have to second guess someone's sexuality.
 

     Thread Starter
 

September 26, 2019 2:56 pm  #4


Re: G, B or Q? And he's made me confused

Everyone in here knows that feeling. You're deep in rabbit's hole now, Alice. Now you have to find your own way out. You have to be prepared, that eitheir choise won't be easy. Well, at least, you couldn't tell anymore, that your life is boring.
I'm not a professional. But what i see from my own experience and from other's stories, is that people who has shifted axes of sexuality doesn't really know themselves, what and who they are. It's hard for them (and for those, who are around), cause in most cases they've been hiding everything from everybody for a very long time. Even from thelselves. In classic situation they just wants "everything to be ok" for everyone. But their own nature doesn't let do this. It's really hard to live with these kind of shapeshifters, because they do harm unintentionally. They would hide from problems that arise, they won't think rationaly, because their rationaly world has just blown up. After that comes reconsilation. With new "me", new world around and new feelings.
I don't know, if it's really a good idea to be near that kind of people when they shapeshift. They just explode from inside, so even if they really love their family, they do harm.
Take care of yourself, do your daily things. Answers will come, when you'll need them. 

 

September 26, 2019 3:51 pm  #5


Re: G, B or Q? And he's made me confused

If your partner has unilaterally declared that you are to have no contact for six months, you have been given all the information you need to have.  That he is trying to keep you on the string IN CASE he decides he's not courageous enough to come out is a really shitty thing to do.  
I think reading all you can on gay men in denial and closeted gay men is a really good idea, so that if he comes sniffing around after six months you will be forearmed and forewarned.

 

September 27, 2019 7:07 am  #6


Re: G, B or Q? And he's made me confused

morpheus wrote:

...is that people who has shifted axes of sexuality doesn't really know themselves, what and who they are. It's hard for them (and for those, who are around)... 

You've given me a lot of substance to deliberate and ponder. Everything you said actually makes a lot of sense and as the fog starts to dissipate from my mind/heart, I know I'll be able to get my own truth and live with it. I don't want to live a life of regret or feel like I gave up on him. I also can't be with someone that doesn't know himself. It's not a way to live. It's so complex.

I wasn't never confused about our love and him. Now, of course I am and it's a weird place to be.

It's so weird that I am struggling to "love" myself. Like what does self-love/self care even mean? But I know I love myself enough to seek help here.

How did you get to this point of acceptance?  How did you untangle yourself and saw things truly as they were? When did your heart catch up with your mind?

     Thread Starter
 

September 27, 2019 7:12 am  #7


Re: G, B or Q? And he's made me confused

OutofHisCloset wrote:

If your partner has unilaterally declared that you are to have no contact for six months, you have been given all the information you need to have.  That he is trying to keep you on the string IN CASE he decides he's not courageous enough to come out is a really shitty thing to do.  
I think reading all you can on gay men in denial and closeted gay men is a really good idea, so that if he comes sniffing around after six months you will be forearmed and forewarned.

Thank you, OutofHisCloset. I like your username.
They really pushed us into their closets, a place we never asked to be in.

Keeping me on a string, ha! His selfishness turned into a "gift" that keeps giving. I keep asking myself "who is he? Is this the man I fell in love with?" 

Have you written about your story here? I'd love to read it.

     Thread Starter
 

September 27, 2019 7:41 am  #8


Re: G, B or Q? And he's made me confused

Have I written my story?  Hahaha....yes.  An early entry was to the Straight Spouse blog, in Nov. 2016, when I wrote a short essay called "Uncoupling."  I first wrote on this Forum in September 2016; you can search for my user name using the "Search" feature above, which allows you to search by user.  I used the Search feature a lot at first, to read the posts of those whose stories either resembled mine (whatasham: I forever thank you for opening my eyes and letting me know anger was acceptable!) or whose perspective I found particularly helpful (jkpeace, who was determined not to let her then-husband's acts poison her heart).

 

September 27, 2019 10:09 am  #9


Re: G, B or Q? And he's made me confused

Great! I'll look it up.

     Thread Starter
 

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