OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum » My intro

Str8guy · September 24, 2019 9:08 pm

Sorry about the removed post. After I posted it I felt it was a little bit too raw and intimate.

My story

My wife and I were married at M25 and F23 while in the mormon church. We had a very short courtship, only about 8 weeks. We started off really well while we were dating. The wedding night came and sex was pretty awkward, but given that I was a virgin I had expected this. I was her second guy so I didn't question her orientation at the time. Come to find out she didn't feel any kind of a connection from it.

Fast forward about five years. Sex basically is pretty bad. About once a month if that with the exception of the 8 month hiatus while she was depressed from postpartum. Around that time I discovered she had some interest in female bodies which would make he bi sexual.

Early this year (2019) she fully embraced that she like women more than men. Sex has been bad our entire marriage. We have tried many many things but our routine ended up being she lay on her back and fake it until I go then she gets the hitachi magic wand until she goes a few times, or visavera. Emotionally we connected in a way that we love each other dearly. She is my best friend in the whole world and I devote all my time and resources to her. She also felt like she devoted all of her time a resources to me. However, neither of us felt romantic love. More like a familial love and we were best friends with benefits.

Some time last month we were talking and she disclosed that she didn't like male genitalia at all. She expressed that if she would never have to put a dick in her mouth again that it would be the best thing in the world. She would still do oral sex because it gratified me. But this is where my nightmare came true, I was fine being with someone who was bisexual as it meant I could still please her. But this meant she really had no desire for men at all, including me. The only way she is attracted to me is emotionally which would sometimes carry over physically.

At this point I told her that I think we need to get a divorce. Not because I don't love her with every ounce of my soul but because I didn't want to force her to be with someone she found repulsive and that many of the other issue we have (been in counseling about a year) we likely related to this. I emphasized that I want her to be happy and that she should know what it is like to be aroused by her partner. That her sex life was like black and white when she could have a color relationship with a women. We cried a lot and she asked me not to push her away like this. Then I asked her what she would do if the rules were reversed and I told her I was gay. This is the point that she understood. She said then I would let you go and cry my heart out. I told her that is exactly how I felt. We agreed it should be done.

The next day came. It felt horrible. We hadn't told anyone. When she came home from work that night I suggested that maybe we could work on it or at least try... (to be continued).....

Ellexoh_nz · September 24, 2019 10:43 pm

Str8guy....Welcome to the Strategies for MOMs Board. Both of you deciding divorce was the only option must have been heartbreaking. And if, in the end, it's what happens.....how brave of you both! to see and feel each others pain. To want the best for each other.

You're able to have conversations about this without it breaking down into argument? It may take a while to get to the other side of this and communication....if you're both on the same page.....is your best tool

Again....welcome to the Forum

Str8guy · September 25, 2019 9:55 am

@Ellexoh Thanks for the welcome

And now the continued intro

After I suggested that maybe we were being too hasty she said that she didn't want to go through this morning process any more that if we could break up in the future then we might as well keep on planning the divorce. So we did.

The next day I found out from my work that I would likely need to move to keep my job. I let my wife know that I would be moving with my job to the other state (Utah) since I now had no support system here in her home town (PA which we moved to last year). She was upset by this and nodder her head and walked off. At this point I think she realized the full magnitude of what a divorce looked like. Even though I offered to give her the house that has about 50k equity and take the ~100k debt we have (80% her student loans) she realized that she cannot afford to support herself let alone the three kids (which I would have also paid child support for). The next day we had a pre scheduled trip to go to a cabin together. She decided to go up without me and invite her girl friend and her parents.

For clarification her "girl friend" is a co worker who happens to be trans (female to male no surgery who is attracted to women) who she spends all of her free time with and goes to bars and clubs with and has even left family get togethers (leaving me with the kids) with her personal friends just to go be with this girl friend. She tells me she has boundaries with her and that they have had a define the relationship talk where she said she was clear that the relationship couldn't develop into something initiate and that they were just friends. Her girl friend said that she wouldn't want to do anything to tear our family apart. My wife does not consider her friend a girlfriend but just a really good friend because they have a lot in common.

Anyway, back to the intro. My wife invites me to go up to the cabin and stay for a bit and then asked me to leave for the evening before her girl friend got there. At this point we still had an understanding that we were getting divorced. I leave and the girlfriend shows up drunk and horny a few hours later. My wife isn't big on drunks but said she was getting aroused by what her friend was saying. I guess they talked until 4 or 5 am about drama in her girlfriends life and they slept in separate beds. Wife said nothing happened and I believe her.

The next day I was expected to come up sometime in the late afternoon, but after I texted her in the morning she invited me up right away. I went up and ate breakfast with my wife while her girlfriend was sleeping off her hangover. During our breakfast she said that she really didn't want to break up and she does want to try to make things work. All I want is to stay with her and for her to be happy. She said she thinks that is possible.

The next week went by ok. I got news from my job that I wouldn't need to move but she said she was willing to do that if needed. We understand that intimate time together is strained now. We had one good session and one really bad session together. Our counselor is working with us to help us resolve other relationship issue but doesn't really know about the girlfriend. I'm going to bring it up in my personal session next time. I think I need to ask my wife to break up with her friend for now and focus on us if she wants us to work.

So things we are trying to work through:
1. Getting my wife to distance herself from the girlfriend so we can focus on us and I don't feel like I'm competing
2. Figuring out how we can meet each others needs. My main love language is physical touch, she enjoys cuddling and even some kissing, but as soon as things start looking sexual she has to push through it mentally and focus on our emotional connection. Her main love language is quality time, which is what she is getting a lot of with the girlfriend.
3. Working on my communication with her. this is something she has asked me to be better at with her and I have made progress
4. During our 72 hour period where we were going to get divorced she said she roomed many of her mental barriers and opened up the possibility of being with a women. She seems to be struggling putting those barriers back up. She said she is going through a form of mourning because she realizes to stay with me means that she is basically living a celibate lesbian life.
5. We started counseling about a year ago. When we started she wanted more quality time with me. Since she started developing the relationship with her girlfriend she started asking me to not spend time with her. Like please don't come to the bar/clubs/friends house/gym with me. But her girlfriend is always welcome to go. Her girlfriend seems to always be welcome to join us to our personal time together when we plan it at the gym.

Now that I type this out I can see how big of an impact / problem this friend is causing. I don't have a problem with my wife spending time with friends. That's ok. But her girlfriend has been lonely for a long time. Never wants my wife to go home. She also texts a lot and invites her over to cook for her and / or hang out and smoke pot. My wife and I don't drink or do pot much together. Maybe during special occasions but she does this a lot with her girlfriend.

Sorry for the long intro and the scattered thoughts. Really just typing this out as I go.

I do want to see if we can make this work, but we have some big hurdles.

lily · September 25, 2019 1:55 pm

Hi str8guy - yes a huge amount of your post is talking about your wife's girlfriend - not surprising, this is a very hurtful situation you are in - all about the wife, all about the girlfriend, all about what will make the wife happy Nothing about what will make you happy.

To care about your wife's happiness rather than your own Just Makes You Great Husband Material. Nothing Wrong in what you are doing. This is about what your wife is doing to you. But if you are caring for her and she is caring about her and her girlfriend who is caring about you?

If she were straight and going out with a boyfriend you would know it was wrong of her, the emotions you are coping with - as you say she needs to stop seeing the girlfriend if you are to stay together but if she stops seeing the girlfriend you know, like we do, she will not be happy.

With three young children it is very hard to do anything else but both look after them and the finances, so my suggestion is this - as far as the bed goes, don't try and make it work, not fair to either of you. Start thinking of yourselves as co-parents rather than husband and wife. Now you can help yourself rather than be stuck in the anguish of being cheated on by your lesbian wife while you are still loving her as a wife and wanting her to be faithful to you. And I am so sorry to say it but the first thing on your plate is to grieve the loss of the wife you thought you had but it turned out different to what you had believed in. Look after yourself.

wishing you all the best, Lily

Last edited by lily (September 25, 2019 2:00 pm)

Julian_Stone · September 25, 2019 2:16 pm

Hi Str8guy,

You still have so much of your life ahead of you...and if there were no children involved, I would say "run like your hair is on fire" as they say around here ....You seem like such a kind, understanding person, and I'm so sorry you are going through this. It sucks. Boundaries are completely acceptable....and necessary, really. You did not agree to a "girlfriend" when you got married. You didn't agree to any of this. I know the desperation to make it work for the children, but will either of you be happy if you stay together?

Ellexoh_nz · September 25, 2019 3:07 pm

Str8guy wrote:
@Ellexoh Thanks for the welcome...it's good to have a new straightspouse posting on this board
And now the continued intro

After I suggested that maybe we were being too hasty she said that she didn't want to go through this morning process any more that if we could break up in the future then we might as well keep on planning the divorce. So we did...and I can tell you're both still in a quandary about divorcing or staying together. I get that. Sometimes it comes down to a financial decision yes?

The next day I found out from my work that I would likely need to move to keep my job. I let my wife know that I would be moving with my job to the other state (Utah) since I now had no support system here in her home town (PA which we moved to last year). One of THE most important things in this mindfuck is knowing the importance of having a support system. Without it you may lose yourself. She was upset by this and nodder her head and walked off. At this point I think she realized the full magnitude of what a divorce looked like. Even though I offered to give her the house that has about 50k equity and take the ~100k debt we have (80% her student loans) she realized that she cannot afford to support herself let alone the three kids (which I would have also paid child support for). The next day we had a pre scheduled trip to go to a cabin together. She decided to go up without me and invite her girl friend and her parents...so her parents aware of the situation? For clarification her "girl friend" is a co worker who happens to be trans (female to male no surgery who is attracted to women) who she spends all of her free time with and goes to bars and clubs with and has even left family get togethers (leaving me with the kids) with her personal friends just to go be with this girl friend. She tells me she has boundaries with her and that they have had a define the relationship talk where she said she was clear that the relationship couldn't develop into something initiate and that they were just friends. Her girl friend said that she wouldn't want to do anything to tear our family apart. My wife does not consider her friend a girlfriend but just a really good friend because they have a lot in common.

Anyway, back to the intro. My wife invites me to go up to the cabin and stay for a bit and then asked me to leave for the evening before her girl friend got there. At this point we still had an understanding that we were getting divorced. I leave and the girlfriend shows up drunk and horny a few hours later. My wife isn't big on drunks but said she was getting aroused by what her friend was saying. I guess they talked until 4 or 5 am about drama in her girlfriends life and they slept in separate beds. Wife said nothing happened and I believe her.

The next day I was expected to come up sometime in the late afternoon, but after I texted her in the morning she invited me up right away. I went up and ate breakfast with my wife while her girlfriend was sleeping off her hangover. During our breakfast she said that she really didn't want to break up and she does want to try to make things work. All I want is to stay with her and for her to be happy. She said she thinks that is possible...your wife sounds very confused.

The next week went by ok. I got news from my job that I wouldn't need to move but she said she was willing to do that if needed. We understand that intimate time together is strained now. We had one good session and one really bad session together. Our counselor is working with us to help us resolve other relationship issue but doesn't really know about the girlfriend. I'm going to bring it up in my personal session next time. I think I need to ask my wife to break up with her friend for now and focus on us if she wants us to work.

So things we are trying to work through:
1. Getting my wife to distance herself from the girlfriend so we can focus on us and I don't feel like I'm competing
2. Figuring out how we can meet each others needs. My main love language is physical touch, she enjoys cuddling and even some kissing, but as soon as things start looking sexual she has to push through it mentally and focus on our emotional connection. Her main love language is quality time, which is what she is getting a lot of with the girlfriend.
3. Working on my communication with her. this is something she has asked me to be better at with her and I have made progress
4. During our 72 hour period where we were going to get divorced she said she roomed many of her mental barriers and opened up the possibility of being with a women. She seems to be struggling putting those barriers back up. She said she is going through a form of mourning because she realizes to stay with me means that she is basically living a celibate lesbian life...this is what my partner has said, that he will be giving up all his gay/bi desires. He has no close friends and there's nobody in the picture so to speak
5. We started counseling about a year ago. When we started she wanted more quality time with me. Since she started developing the relationship with her girlfriend she started asking me to not spend time with her. Like please don't come to the bar/clubs/friends house/gym with me. But her girlfriend is always welcome to go. Her girlfriend seems to always be welcome to join us to our personal time together when we plan it at the gym. R'ships that are good and trusting have no issue with one of the partners having social time apart. Add the straightspouse/ gay/bi situation to it and it's a whole other beast....with mistrust

Now that I type this out I can see how big of an impact / problem this friend is causing. I don't have a problem with my wife spending time with friends. That's ok. But her girlfriend has been lonely for a long time. Never wants my wife to go home. She also texts a lot and invites her over to cook for her and / or hang out and smoke pot. My wife and I don't drink or do pot much together. Maybe during special occasions but she does this a lot with her girlfriend.

Sorry for the long intro and the scattered thoughts. Really just typing this out as I go...never be sorry for the length of your posts. We all understand, and empathise

I do want to see if we can make this work, but we have some big hurdles.

Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (September 25, 2019 3:09 pm)

morpheus · September 25, 2019 4:33 pm

I've been living like this for 14 years. Everything you wrote could be related to my story. It's practically identical.
What you both are doing is trying to hold tsunami with bare hands. It's fun and romantic, but not worth it.
Sorry to tell you that, but if your wife would like to be with you, she would stop all her friendships by her own choise. Not because you told her, not because it's something councelor mentioned, but because she cares about you two.
But, i guess, she won't. Not because she doesn't understand importance of trust, but because she feels like "something is not right with her". I mean, you couldn't make her love penises and you would always feel guilty when having sex. I did, atfer her disclosure. I mean, she couldn't stand sex with men, including you. What are we talking about. These things doesn't change "in 72 hours" and her barrier to love women would never come back, or she would feel depressed all the time.
Of course, there could be miracles, and she may become men loving woman. But, hell, why should i lie to you? It won't happen. I don't know, how you would deal with kids support. I have only one kid and he stayed with me (it was mutual decision with wife). But what i know is that sooner you'll end it, sooner both of you could start a new life. Better for both of you. Better in that way, that both of you would see things as they are.
I'm sure that she's a good person, but this thing just doesn't work.

a_dads_straight_journey · September 25, 2019 5:18 pm

Str8guy,
Sorry you are here. I read your first post before you pulled it. ‘The blank stare’ - I know exactly what you are talking about, decades of it. Any intimacy felt like ‘taking’ and you can’t give to someone who can’t receive. I got tired of trying and rejection, it wears you down. In the end of the marriage, 3 years with no intimacy before she admitted TGT was even the cause. Its quite a dilemma - intact family vs healthy intimacy. Open marriage then? I was confident my ex-wife could find the lover she wanted but I was not interested in a partner that would want me if I was in an open marriage. I chose to leave. I was fortunate and managed to make the finances work but I still grieve what my children had to accommodate. I have no answers for you only more empathy than you can imagine. Take very good care of yourself through this.

All the best,

ADSJ

Str8guy · September 25, 2019 9:12 pm

I appreciate the feedback.

These are all really hard things to read.

I want to give it more time to see if we can get it to work. My wife really is amazing, she is such a strong women. It is hard to see her barely holding things together from this stress. She really is afraid I will just leave her with all the kids. Anything I say now though she believes is suspect like I've done something to lose her trust. She lost her shit today towards one of the kids. He's 13 and just being a 13 year old punk kid but she almost kicked the door down after she slammed it shut. We are dealing with him looking at porn and losing all of his privileges and then blaming everyone but himself. She is just mad that all he can think of is himself. Really atypical behavior for her. Also note I don't think she would ever do anything to physically harm the kids, but she did emotionally shake all of them.

After she calmed down I went and hugged and spoke with each of them and let them know mom is under a lot of stress right now. She does love them very much and her anger isn't towards any of them but with herself. She expressed to me that she hates herself and doesn't want to be this way.

I went to our room where she was on her phone. I asked her if she needed more time and she said no. She felt bad about it but really feels like no one likes her right now even though we all do...

She was able to calm down and she later apologized to each of them.

The night was fairly chill after that but she has been on edge lately. She can blow up at the slightest things. I guess we'll see what comes in the next days / weeks. Just taking it one day at a time right now.

Ellexoh_nz · September 25, 2019 10:28 pm

Str8guy....you're being the nice guy, and letting her get away with not shouldering the responsibilities of a mother and wife. Does she not realise you're both going through this! (I know she does but it seems like she is aware you're okay doing all the emotional carrying and and also okay with the emotional reactions from her...which is, to put it bluntly, just a load of bs.
Why was it you who hugged your kids and excused their mother.....and not her?

Index
» Strategies for MOM's
» My intro - Strait Husband and lesbian wife

September 24, 2019 9:08 pm #1

My intro - Strait Husband and lesbian wife

September 24, 2019 10:43 pm #2

Re: My intro - Strait Husband and lesbian wife

September 25, 2019 9:55 am #3

Re: My intro - Strait Husband and lesbian wife

September 25, 2019 1:55 pm #4

Re: My intro - Strait Husband and lesbian wife

September 25, 2019 2:16 pm #5

Re: My intro - Strait Husband and lesbian wife

September 25, 2019 3:07 pm #6

Re: My intro - Strait Husband and lesbian wife

Str8guy wrote:

September 25, 2019 4:33 pm #7

Re: My intro - Strait Husband and lesbian wife

September 25, 2019 5:18 pm #8

Re: My intro - Strait Husband and lesbian wife

September 25, 2019 9:12 pm #9

Re: My intro - Strait Husband and lesbian wife

September 25, 2019 10:28 pm #10

Re: My intro - Strait Husband and lesbian wife

Index
» Strategies for MOM's
» My intro - Strait Husband and lesbian wife

Board footera