OurPath Open Forum
This forum is for discussion of issues related to Mixed Orientation relationships only, that is when one partner is heterosexual (straight) and one is Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender or Questioning.
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- Rob
- Member
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Re: Moving on - when is it truly over?
Bryon,
Yeah whole support system..therapist, priest, etc. I stopped going to my pychyatrist as he really just gave me pills.
I'm ok.my kids are actually the youngest "at risk" from me...and my family is great. I'm doing much better now that I don't have an evil ex swearing at me each day. I was a professional as not letting them (or anyone) see that their mom just got back from staying in a hotel room with her girlfriend and just screamed every swear word in the English language at me.
Fwiw: I'm sure your brother meant well and is nice but his comment sounds a tad selfish. I found kids some the best people to be around through TGT and divorcing a narcissist. They are innocent of our spouses evil and remind us what is true and right despite our hurt. I would encourage people to play with my kids if they were hurting. Ie.. your wife just dumped you...go throw a ball around with my kid and recall what life is really about...one will feel in their bones that kids want them around. A direct contrast to the hatred one can feel coming from a raging gay spouse.
Last edited by Rob (September 5, 2016 12:52 pm)
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- MrsLonely
- Unregistered
Re: Moving on - when is it truly over?
Hi All
Reading all this scares me to death. My own situation scares me to death. Some of you left without any proof or his/her confession. They almost never come clean.
I don't want to be in a marriage where I always have to wonder if his longing for men rather then me. But I am worried that I might be wrong too. Just wondering how to be sure. Still did not confront him directly about his sexuality. Working on getting proof which seems impossible at this stage. His always a step ahead of me.
How does one start to find a path out of this jungle? How do you trust your instinct and know you not ruining you and your kids life for nothing.
- Rob
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Re: Moving on - when is it truly over?
Mrslonely,
I hacked my lezex early on and had all the proof I needed. But it mattered little..her treatment of me..ie sudden emotional and physical discard was proof enough.
Basically my body and mind could not take it any more...ie was shaking with trauma . Thats when I knew it was over and I needed to accept it.
You are not ruining your kids lived...ours spouses did that long ago when they betrayed us. My lezex chose her friend over me. Don't let them make you think it's your fault.
Last edited by Rob (September 5, 2016 12:58 pm)
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- Daryl
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Re: Moving on - when is it truly over?
MrsLonely wrote:
I don't want to be in a marriage where I always have to wonder if his longing for men rather then me. But I am worried that I might be wrong too. Just wondering how to be sure. Still did not confront him directly about his sexuality. Working on getting proof which seems impossible at this stage. His always a step ahead of me.
How does one start to find a path out of this jungle? How do you trust your instinct and know you not ruining you and your kids life for nothing.
Are you happy? Is he at all interested in doing what it takes for you to feel happy, fulfilled and cherished? If the answer to both is no, then why continue? You don't need proof of some sort of wrongdoing to end a marriage. That it may be dysfunctional and one party doesn't want to repair it is enough. Staying in such a relationship may do more long-term harm than leaving.
“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
- Judy
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Re: Moving on - when is it truly over?
I've seen no Gay bashing here and no resentment other than the initial shock of discovering we've been living a lie. Who would be okay with that? I can't imagine what person would want to be married to someone who didn't have any passion for sex with them? That seems unlikely and a confirmed failure to me. I just deserve to have a man that desires me instead of other men and I don't want to share with another man either.
It's your right to do so if you wish.
Does it really have to be over? Have any of you considered acceptance and trying to work out some sort of open relationship with your gay husband/wife. We love each other and part of me wants to run but part of me wants to work it out no matter how difficult. Maybe this forum isn't for me. There seems to be a lot of anger, resentment, and frankly gay and partner bashing in these threads. Is there any one out there that is making an open MOM work?311
- Judy
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Re: Moving on - when is it truly over?
Mine surely didn't come clean. I asked him several times and that was met with silence and staring at the floor or computer. I can't imagine thinking any marital partner I had didn't have the right to know my sexual preference or that it had changed. Why cause someone so innocent in life so much agony. It's about responsibilty to your spouse or partner AND being a kind human. It's not that he's Gay - it's that he didn't tell me for 46 years and that resulted in my wasting my time thinking what I had was genuine when in fact, it was all just a lie. I just could not hurt anyone like that.
Hi All
Reading all this scares me to death. My own situation scares me to death. Some of you left without any proof or his/her confession. They almost never come clean.
I don't want to be in a marriage where I always have to wonder if his longing for men rather then me. But I am worried that I might be wrong too. Just wondering how to be sure. Still did not confront him directly about his sexuality. Working on getting proof which seems impossible at this stage. His always a step ahead of me.
How does one start to find a path out of this jungle? How do you trust your instinct and know you not ruining you and your kids life for nothing.
Last edited by Judy (September 11, 2016 6:05 am)
- whatasham24
- Member
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Re: Moving on - when is it truly over?
I've seen no Gay bashing here and no resentment other than the initial shock of discovering we've been living a lie. Who would be okay with that? I can't imagine what person would want to be married to someone who didn't have any passion for sex with them? That seems unlikely and a confirmed failure to me. I just deserve to have a man that desires me instead of other men and I don't want to share with another man either.
It's your right to do so if you wish.
Does it really have to be over? Have any of you considered acceptance and trying to work out some sort of open relationship with your gay husband/wife. We love each other and part of me wants to run but part of me wants to work it out no matter how difficult. Maybe this forum isn't for me. There seems to be a lot of anger, resentment, and frankly gay and partner bashing in these threads. Is there any one out there that is making an open MOM work?311
I think part of the reason for a delayed realization that these arrangements are not in fact workable to the str8 spouse, is that at the time no one realizes how much this will affect their lives, spirit & sanity from having a nonexistent sex life. Most couples, no matter how close they are, ever really talk about their sex health. Most people ASSUME all kinds of things: We'll get back to having sex when xyz happens & we are less stressed, maybe he/she is going thru something that makes them not desire sex, not just not desire ME, I'm too scared & insecure to bring it up, what if he/she tells me "I don't find you attractive anymore, I've met someone else, I'm gay". We are all too damn scared to talk about it with the risk of finding out something we can't handle. So we put it off. For decades sometimes. And we tell ourselves this must be how everyone else lives as well, so no alarm bells go off & we don't demand more from relationships & love. We replace Intimate Love with Friendship Love: He/she loves me because he works hard for his family, makes dinner for me & throws me the odd bone of affection, he is still around.
When we are young & newish to the relationship, we don't realize how much it really will affect our emotional self, sanity, health & confidence by not having sex & just focusing on all the other qualities of our "fabulous relationship!". Hence the proverbial question "Surely WE can make this work if there are so many other couples out there that have been married in a sexless partnership for decades? We get along so well & I love him so much in all other aspects of our life!" No one knows the toll a sexless, intimate free relationship takes on all the facets of our lives. If anyone had a foresight pill & saw themselves, many years later, how lonely they truly were, they would no doubt get out & move on.
In short, whether it is the NEW relationship being presented with the stay/go question or an ESTABLISHED partnership, people need to put "What about the sex?" conversation at the TOP of the list of factors on to stay or part ways.
- Judy
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Re: Moving on - when is it truly over?
I had over 100 conversations with DH about the absence of sex in our 46 year marriage. He would answer my questions in one word and was completely uninterested. I could see doing that with me wasn't something he wanted and so on we went until the next conversation. You can't pin down a narcissist or a Gay man who didn't have the balls to tell his straight wife he was Gay. No empathy. He cheated everywhere on me. With women initially and then one man with a possibility of a second male while I was at work. I don't miss him. He is a vile man in many other ways as well. He lies like I breathe.
- Kel
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Re: Moving on - when is it truly over?
Rob -
You said you stopped seeing your psychiatrist because all they really did was give you pills. That's all they do, really. They are a medical doctor who went through a complete medical education and then specialized in mental health as it relates to medicine. Vs. a psychologist, who went through training for mental health from a counseling perspective. Psychologists can't prescribe medications. Regular doctors can, but they don't focus on psych meds, so they refer to a psychiatrist. I've always thought it must be a pretty boring job.
Kel
Last edited by Kel (September 14, 2016 8:28 am)
You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
- whatasham24
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Re: Moving on - when is it truly over?
Judy, you are a lot more brave, honest & forthright than me. I was too afraid at the beginning of our marriage to find out he wasn't attracted to me, that I went from a "hot trophy" to a fat mom. He switched like a light bulb the minute I got pregnant. It never returned, so after years of no interest in me sexually, I figured I was simply unattractive, to anyone. Period. Over the years if someone blatantly hit on me or flirted I was suspicious & chalked it up to "that guy must be weird, why would any sane/normal person find me attractive?" Now, at 50, when stuff isn't as "firm" as it was when I was 25, it's a real uphill battle to reformat my brain to seeing beauty & attractiveness, even though I am definitely not that judgmental with anyone myself, giving sincere compliments out freely to even complete strangers. The worst part is, I don't know if the challenge of dating & finding a new mate is even worth the effort.