Donna7

Hang in there.  We walk by faith.

My hands are bloody (figuratively speaking) as i desperately try to scratch and crawl my way our of this gay narcissist closet.

Hi Confused 123, 
I am a new member here but have been following posts on Straight Spouse network for about two years now.  I joined last week so that I could respond to you and to find solace with others who have experienced similar pain.  I've tried to write this post for nearly a week but then I kept deleting it.  Finding the right words without anger and personal pain is incredibly difficult when one is also suffering...
Even though I'm not sharing the lengthy posts I have written, know that I too have suffered from a similar realization.  I have endured your pain.
It's my nature to research and learn things I don't understand. I am a Registered Nurse now but have had an inquiring mind since childhood.  I have found that in trying to write my responsive post to you, I have had to process much of my own turmoil. Putting my thoughts and feelings into words has been a very cathartic experience for me.
My research brought me to a book called The Bisexual Option, second edition. Its written well by a doctor who happens to be bisexual.  The first time through the book, I had the belief that this writer was simply trying to establish some normalcy to his own condition.  I didn't believe there was any difference between bisexuality and homosexuality.  The "bisexual" was simply in a state of denial. To be bisexual is infinately better than being gay, so I thought.  I read that book, trying to be open-minded.  This was about two years ago.  I was trying to gain a balanced understanding of the bi-polar views on this topic.
It's taken a full two years for me to process and accept that the man I still love and have for 30 years is, indeed, bisexual. 
I went through all of the tumultuous disbelief, anger, etc that I'm sure you and many others have experienced. But in the end, I had to accept that my husband is the same man that I loved, still love, and have for 30 years.  No one knows every facet of another person even when we decide to love them.  We love them for everything they are and are not.  We learn more about people through ongoing relationships.   We take the good with the bad if we truly value them.  Marriage is no different.  We don't divulge every facet of ourselves to others for a variety of reasons, and others don't either.  We are all a package deal. One cannot separate the facets of a person and only take the parts we like while discarding the rest.
The more processing I did, the more I realized that my husband's bisexuality had nothing to do with his relationship with me.  It didn't change his love for me either.  It pained him greatly to see what I was having to go through.  He had been in denial of this truth for most of his life also.  He didn't choose to be this way.  He never acted on his impulses either during and up to the time of his self-acceptance and his "confession" to me.  He had been hurting for so much longer than I had! 
Because of the strength of our relationship, I told him to go and find out if this inclination was real or if it was curiosity.  I loved him that much.  I had hoped that he would re-think it and not follow through.  I had hoped that if he did try this, that he would absolutely know that this wasn't for him.  Well, he did try it. He does like it.  He isn't cheating on me and doesn't have a personal relationship with anyone else, nor does he want that.  He only wants sexual satisfaction in a way that I am not able to give.  It doesn't change who is. He is my best friend.  I have come to realize that his bisexuality is not a deal breaker here.  It's a small part of who he is.  I don't like it but that doesn't really matter because we aren't supposed to try and mold our friends to fit our vision of who we want them to be.  We accept them fully, for who they are and have the courage to welcome changes in our understanding of each other as we move through life.  Life is change.  I encourage you to reach past your comfort zone and get some unbiased views of bisexuality.  Read, study, process, so that you may make an honest assessment of your relationship with your husband.  Stop running, turn around and look.  See the man you have loved for so long and try and accept his imperfections.  I know that he has hid this from you, he cheated on you by not telling you. Its possible that he never disclosed this to you because he believed you wouldn't be able to handle it.  Maybe he didn't want to hurt you, or worse yet, lose you.  I know that this means he didn't have enough faith or trust in you to be able to handle this.  He should have.  He was wrong.  But, in the big picture, there is forgiveness. Its out in the open now.  Yes, you have choices to make but let them be with a clear head, an understanding mind and with the knowledge of the love that has held you two together for so long.

One more time and this makes three!  Lol.  I really don't like silly rules like having to post three times before sending a PM.  It probably stops many from honest expression.  What I said was for you and you only.  Unfortunately, everyone else has also read it.  I'm not ashamed of it. I just mean it was meant for you only.  Please feel free to begin a private dialogue with me, if you feel so inclined.  I'm finally coming back into the light.  For those who need help through this, I'm willing to take your because you're not alone in the darkness.

Jean,

I find your perspective very interesting.  I'm Trying to decide whether to divorce or stay with my husband of 25 years.  I'm Wondering how to communicate privately with you about this topic.

Lily - I just want to say how much I was struck by your comment about how you felt your former spouse wanted to compete with you.  I had not thought of that being related to the gay thing before; thought it was just unique to my marriage.  I have never seen that behavior mentioned before as being part of this whole thing. I used to wonder so often why my husband seemed to want to compete with me all the time, rather than be together with me, join with me, in life.  Now I know.  Thank you for that thought/comment.

Also just loved the "industrial strength chicken" concept.  Produces a great visual. Very funny.