Thanks for this thread ADSJ!  Almost every post here resonates for me.  Especially these things—which might be almost everything!

—Silencing of our grief, and the LGBT spouse’s pain, bravery, and happiness as paramount, and how this becomes us somehow being bad for even expressing our pain.
—Feeling alone
—Not sure how to navigate this
—How to seek help for our children when we ourselves do not feel healthy. 
—Feeling stuck—how to encourage honest and healthy family life now, and help our children have healthy future relationships—which requires acknowledging what has happened—but when mental health and the law insist that honest discussion is disparaging the other parent
—family milestones leading to the gay spouse pushing boundaries/upping their self focus
—challenges with adult children—they are living their own lives now

Beyond these, for me, the distance my kids are putting between me and them, their anger, while continuing to connect with their dad (young adult daughter and young adult son).  Also: their grief at losing their sense of their own past—we straight partners all know this disorientation and loss and whirlwind as we have experienced it ourselves. 

“Do I even have any happy memories from here anymore?” Expresses my 17 son a few days ago.  And he hates his dad, and me, and our house, and our neighborhood, and our church, and our community, and he wants to live on his own in a car.  And the 20 min later he disappears in the car out the basement door.

He points out that I was a part of it.  And by me pulling back thenpretty curtain so we can all deal with real, it is like they feel I have also thrown the happy memories into the garbage heap of “what is real?”  That even the happy past was all fake.   And we all have to pick through the rubble of the tornado to see what remains intact.  And they blame me for this loss even as they know this was the right thing for me to do.  And they blame me to my face.  And they blame me behind my back to each other.  And they even blame me for this in conversation with their dad! 

And this—my genuine happy past with my children—becomes another thing I feel has been taken away from me by my gay husband (or bisexual or straight-who-wants-men-for-sex or whatever he chooses to call himself, and who has told me “sure OMOTF, people think you are the bad actor and they tell me I am a good man, and even when I say I was not a good husband I also say how I did not understand what you wanted because you would not communicate it well or early, and I tell them I wanted to work on things, but you did not think I was enough, and I can’t  control what people think, and they have no right to know my intimate sexual information” ). 

What a horrible horrible lying liar who lies.  And he pushes this narrative with the children too—“I loved your gorgeous and talented mom, but she would not go the distance.”  But I am not supposed to counter this with “umm, your dad is a manipulative lying liar who lies.”  Because that would be disparagement. 

The happy past will come back as we all reprocess, I believe this, but it will be different.

Abby—I love your vision from the future, and how your children have seen you life a healthy and independent life where they can come and gather in your home.  A vision for the future feels so so important to me!

Last edited by OnMyOwnTwoFeet (September 2, 2019 11:20 am)

a_dads_straight_journey wrote:

I’m interested in hearing how and when kids made peace with it. I’m not looking for direct advice, just hearing other experiences and lessons learned. I’m sure others are interested too.

I don't know whether my daughter has actually made peace with it.  I think her goal may be to learn to function and maybe even thrive.  I think in our case, the gay issue is all mixed in with another issue, which was my husband's narcissism and passive cruelty towards both of us.  Asking a daughter to accept a parent's orientation is one thing, but asking her to accept a lifetime of lying and dysfunction within the home is quite another.

ASDJ,

I wish I had answers, but I only have questions too?  I’m struggling and need support and yet cannot broach the issues with my sons.  I told my adult sons that I felt their father was gay, only to have him then deny it and diminish me.  It has made any conversation on the subject impossible.  They understand their father cheated on me, but they seem to think that the sexuality part is of no consequence somehow.

So parenting never ends even though they are adults, but now I am a fully single parent and just have to trust they will be okay. 

But the lifetime of lies must impact them too and I wish I could help them process it, but I’m still struggling myself!  And we are too far apart really for family counseling - if they would go!

I’m so sorry Ellen and OMOTF, this experience is isolating in the extreme!  We are put into this impossible position through no fault of our own.  And yet my son said to me, you aren’t a victim Mom!  I’m thinking the hell I’m not!  I’m not weak, but one can be a victim of a terrible accident and not be at fault!   Our culture hates the idea of not having control of our fate.  That it shows some sort of weakness.  But this fate that has befallen us was not a choice!