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1 - Tackleberry
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Bisexual wife - straight husband - advice!
I have been with my wife for 17 years (married for 12) and she recently expressed to be that she is bisexual. I sort of knew this from the beginning but she was never open about it, especially to me. She told me of a 3 month relationship that she had with a woman but that was it. We have always had a “not so great” sex life and I think our lack of intimacy has a lot to do with her not feeling comfortable expressing her bisexuality to me. Anyway, that has changed now and we both want to be more open and I FULLY support her bisexuality. We have had a renewal in our marriage where we feel so much more open now.
But I am still struggling and still processing this new identity, obviously. We want to stay together and love being with each other. Like when we both think of the future together, we see us together doing everything. But I am afraid I will not be enough for her sexually, and I think she wants to express her queerness. Which again I fully support and want her to. I just have these doubts of how it will work, if she’ll want to be with a woman, or have an open relationship. I’m just in this rollercoaster of emotional doubt and confusion. I think it’s compounded by the fact that our sex life has always been not so fluid and great. It’s actually better now, but I still worry.
How do we incorporate her “bisexuality” into our sex life together without having an open relationship? We’ve talked about watching sensual lesbian television shows together like the L Word and I have also expressed to her that I would be willing to fantasize with her about other women, or to incorporate more bisexual fantasy into our love making.
But...I just feel lost and my head is a mess. Any advice or help on how to make this work would be so so appreciated! Thank you!!
- lily
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Re: Bisexual wife - straight husband - advice!
Hey Tackleberry, (nice name) I know you're hoping for helpful advice on how to have a nice sex life with a woman who is same sex attracted but I just want to suggest the possibility that it actually can't work that well. So here you are, you worry about not being enough for her and you talk about being more fluid but it's not you who wants to open up the marriage or discuss lesbian sex while you're making love, is it.
I know it seems hopeful at the moment but it's not likely to be long before it is back to the normal 'not so great'.
Look after yourself, wishing you all the best, Lily
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Bisexual wife - straight husband - advice!
Hey Tackleberry...welcome 
This is a tough situation to get your head around. But if you can, first of all, pause from thinking of the ways you can make this okay for you and your wife...and honestly consider is this really what you want? An open r'ship with somebody who's obviously kept secrets from you...just so you can hold onto what you don't want to lose.
Some couples can do it. You maybe one of those. But once you say "okay" to an open r'ship..you lose something you'll never get back.
KIA KAHA
- Let.It.Be
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Re: Bisexual wife - straight husband - advice!
I feel just like you Tavkleberry. But in my case is the other way around. I’m straight and 3 months ago my partner of 5 years came out saying he is bisexual. I found straight spouse yesterday and finally I see I’m not the only person in the world going through this.
I feel just like you. I keep thinking how can we embrace his bisexuality in our marriage in a healthy way for both of us, I keep brainstorming how can we make this work and I feel a bit frustrated cause I couldn’t find any story here of a couple that actually made it work (and I would love to find them! I can’t believe there isn’t any).
Are you going to therapy? If not i think you should cause it’s the only thing keeping me sane and reminding who I am in the first place.
I don’t know what I am going to do in the future but I’m not discarding anything just yet.
I just came to say that you’re not alone that I feel the exact same- same doubts - and I hope this is some how comforting.
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Bisexual wife - straight husband - advice!
Let.It.Be wrote:
...I feel a bit frustrated cause I couldn’t find any story here of a couple that actually made it work (and I would love to find them! I can’t believe there isn’t any).....
Welcome to the Forum Let.It.Be
There will be couples who make it work. But I don't think they post as much as those who feel their marriage/r'ship
is over. If you type in YazPistachio into this Forum search box you might find info on other sites that have a more couple-committed outlook with advice tailored for this
KIA KAHA
- UserNada
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Re: Bisexual wife - straight husband - advice!
TackleBerry, How is it going now? Are things stable for you or the relationship?
- lily
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Re: Bisexual wife - straight husband - advice!
an interesting statistic - in all the time I have been here I have seen numbers of women divorcing a reluctant GID spouse.
But not one man.
The men who are getting divorced are the ones where it is the wife who wants it.
Davin is most proactive divorcing man I've seen - if I remember right it was his wife who initiated but he stuck his ground when she changed her mind early on in the piece. And there have been other men who held their ground against last minute changes of mind but none where it is the man who starts it.
- TangledOil
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Re: Bisexual wife - straight husband - advice!
I’m in your same position, but a woman with a bisexual husband who recently figured it out and revealed. Things were horribly stressful in the beginning, but they’re much better now. I’d love to hear how you’re doing.
- TangledOil
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Re: Bisexual wife - straight husband - advice!
The negativity in this thread is depressing. Around 85% of bisexual people end up with opposite gender straight people. I think it can work. It doesn’t always work, but marriages in general don’t always work.
- Julian_Stone
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Re: Bisexual wife - straight husband - advice!
The negativity in this thread is depressing. Around 85% of bisexual people end up with opposite gender straight people. I think it can work. It doesn’t always work, but marriages in general don’t always work.
I'm sure it *can* work, but that hasn't been the case for many people who find themselves on the Straight Spouse boards. TBH the happy, successful couples probably aren't posting about their relationships on the Internet...because I definitely have difficulty finding those stories. Most of us don't find out about our partner's non-straight sexual orientation until years into a marriage, so it's emotionally jarring to say the least....difficult to compare to your average marriage, I think.