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1 of 1- Sue
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Tips on staying cool, calm, and collected while being gaslighted ;-)
Hi, everyone,
My GIDSTBX and I are meeting weekly with a parenting coordinator. These are professionals available in just 9 states at this time. They are trained mental health professionals who take additional training in the family court system and how it works.
These meetings were my ex and his lawyer's idea.
During these meetings, my STBX has started to gaslight me. He tells me I remember conversations that I am POSITIVE about incorrectly. He claims he is bi and not gay. He tells me over and over again that the end of our marriage is my fault. He accuses me regularly with statements like "she always ends everything in a dramatic pool of tears" or "she always emotionally hijacks" our meetings.
What happens is that he is so accusatory and angry and so very very determined that he and his boyfriend are a separate family who should be able to parent any way they please, without any input from me or even conversation with me, that I get frustrated, scared, angry, and hurt. I am an NF on the Myers-Briggs. I wear my heart on my sleeve. Ironically it used to be one of the things my spouse, who is very unemotive (one must learn to be when one is hiding one's true sexuality for decades on end), said he loved about me.
Now the tables have turned. I am over-emotional, pretty much crazy, and untrustworthy.
The real truth is he's a huge pussy (pardon my French) who can't co-parent because he's afraid to be in the same room with me and the kids without his boyfriend (whom he considers a parent after knowing for 11 months) to back him up. He will do anything to avoid discussing our children with me and makes important decisions without talking with me routinely. Please know I do not expect him to run it by me every time someone sneezes. But big situations like a depressed child, one child bullying another, or issues with school, should be discussed together before being discussed with the child.
We actually came to agreeement on this during our last meeting. Then, you guessed it, he backed out via email because I can't control my emotions so he's uncomfortable having to "police her emotions" as well as his own. He also wanted to make sure that I understood that his boyfriend is a parent, and I just have to accept that and allow the two of them to make decisions. They'll be happy to share them with me later on.
First of all, I've never been given a chance to have a family meeting or discussion with the kids and my ex so he could see my behavior. He's just positive I will be out of control. Excuses, excuses, you bug damn wuss.
Here's what I do need help with. When the abuse starts and especially the gas lighting, I feel very, very sad, and angry. I usually do cry. I feel so undermined and like I am talking with a brick wall who thinks he knows everything and can control everything. It's hugely demeaning and frustrating. And hearing everything is my fault is just the nail in the coffin.
Do any of you have any mental tricks for staying calm and perhaps responding in a way that turns the tables in a meeting such as this? I could really use help. I would not define my STBX as a narcissist, but his current behavior is certainly bordering on narcissistic. I am positive, should he look in the mirror and assess what he has done to me and the kids, his head would explode. So it's easier to remain in denial and ground me into the concrete with his boot heel. He stays so cool while he does this. Help me keep my cool so I can fight back and win!
Thanks, all.
"You want a man who messes up your lipstick, not your mascara."
- John
- Unregistered
Re: Tips on staying cool, calm, and collected while being gaslighted ;-)
Sue-
Alas, you want the best for your kids and a sane life for yourself; Your Out X wants the game to continue and to Win in front of his new sweetie pie; and Your parenting psych is over his head dealing with spaths. .
Maybe try Gray Rock
Or consider:
1. Scheduling private sessions with another psych (Debate Coach) to help you recover from parenting counseling and prepare for its next round?
2. Sharing materials below with your parenting counselor?
- Why NOT to do therapy with your GID spouse: and
- A therapists prayer about narcissists:
- “The Sociopath Next Door” book by Stout to explain who you’ve been gamed by and spaths’ cold, reptilian world view.
Best - John
- Rob
- Member
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Re: Tips on staying cool, calm, and collected while being gaslighted ;-)
Sue,
These parenting meeting sound useless. If you must go I suggest lots of pills and to remain stoic and on topic.
His boyfriend is not the parent of your kids and has no legal connection to them. No good dwelling on it..just get out of or finish the stupid meetings.
You cry because you feel and are a moral person. You feel the violation of basic morals. You know the Gaslighting is lies. These selfish exs of ours do not care about anything but their lovers.
I suggest no contact with him..make sure the kids have cell phones to text you about everything..he does not sound like he can put the kids first. He already is putting his boyfriend above them. Just get your parenting schedule finalized and go no contact.
Have your lawyer send his lawyer email..do not engage in email with him.
Last edited by Rob (September 9, 2016 9:57 pm)
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- BryonM
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Re: Tips on staying cool, calm, and collected while being gaslighted ;-)
Sue:
I'm confused by what I'm reading, I'm trying to picture the scenario.
When you meet with the parental coordinator, who is in the room - only the three of you? Coordinator, you and your STBX? How does the coordinator react to the way you and your STBX interact with each other? Or does he focus ONLY on legal, court-system matters? I mean, is he only there for legalistic issues, not inter-relational issues?
Where do these meetings take place? I hope not in your house. I would want them to take place on neutral ground, or ground unfamiliar to him. Definitely not on ground where he has held control in the past. The coordinator's office, a public coffee shop, anywhere where the STBX cannot assert authority without drawing undue attention to himself.
Are you able or permitted to see the parental coordinator on your own, or can he only see you when you are together, ie, must STBX always be present? Can you ask for the coordinator's supervisor to be present at one of your sessions with your STBX? Anything that throws your STBX off his game, and without warning.
Can you call it what it is, and explain it to the coordinator in front of your STBX? ie, "We straight spouses call his behavior 'gas-lighting' and it means twisting things around to make it look like we're imagining things. We all know it when we see it, and that's why we even have a word for it." And the second he starts doing it, you say to the coordinator, "this is a perfect example of it...." and explain how you see it as gaslighting.
Keep your focus on the coordinator at all times.
I know the tendency is to get frustrated, angry, and break down, but when you do that, you are proving your STBX right. Keep that in mind. You don't want to become exactly what he says, if he's saying that you become emotional, irrational, unstable. Prove him wrong by not going there. I know it's hard, because he knows exactly which buttons to push.
Some tricks I've learned were: to avoid eye contact with my ex while we were going through the divorce; to act as if she were not present in the room, to ignore any attempts to goad me, and to focus only on my lawyer, the judge, the clock on the wall, anything but her. As far as I'm concerned, she's 100 miles away. Not respond to anything she says or does. Bite my tongue til it bleeds. Anything I had to do to not give her an inch over me and show no response to anything she was saying... until she finally went too far and too petty, and I called her out on it, in front of everybody. It stopped her in her tracks.
What's the one thing that drives a narcissist crazy, that they can't tolerate? Ignoring them. It's f-ing hard, but if you can pull it off...
Call it what it is, but for the coordinator to hear it, not your STBX. Remember, you have to believe and act as if your STBX isn't even in the same room with you, so the only person you could possibly be talking to is the coordinator. Keep your eyes and focus on him/her.
Last edited by BryonM (September 13, 2016 2:10 am)
"I have given you my soul, leave me my name!" - John Proctor, The Crucible
"Question everything you've been told; hold fast to what is true and good." - I Thessalonians 5:21
- Rob
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Re: Tips on staying cool, calm, and collected while being gaslighted ;-)
Thumbs up on your last post Bryon.
That is what I meant by stoic. Indifferent. Not moved. What they are doing is morally horrible on so many levels..but best to get through the business of the divorce process and get away from them. The lawyers and legal system are all business...even on the kids..they do not care if our STBX is satan himself.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7