OurPath Open Forum

This Open Forum is funded and administered by OurPath, Inc., (formerly the Straight Spouse Network). OurPath is a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to Straight Partners and Partners of Trans People who have discovered that their partner is LGBT+. Your contribution, no matter how small, helps us provide our community with this space for discussion and connection.


BE A DONOR >>>


You are not logged in. Would you like to login or register?



August 20, 2019 9:03 am  #1


no idea what to do

I have been married for over 40 years and hubby has informed me he is transgenderl and feels female.  yesterday he informed me he has felt this way since he was 8.  claims he never said anything because he dad would have beaten him up and thrown him.  probably.  my question was why were you willing to date me?  claims he was expected to date.  fell in love me and thought if he married and led a normal life everything would be fine.  I do not doubt he loves me just not nearly as much as he loves himself.  I feel that my entire life is in tatters and he is so self absorbed that he is lala land.  he  claims to not understand why I am upset after all he loves me.  this was not part of the deal.  I am a wreck he is a wreck.  I have no where to go.  can't tell my or his family.  can't tell my friends.  he has lied and mislead me for years.  my heart is broken, my sense of place and in the world is shattered  I cried all day yesterday, most of the night and still am.  he just blandly demands that I accept this.as normal and ok.  I can't eat or sleep,  ii feel like I am choking.  I am terrified, embarrassed, hopeless and I must be some kind of colossal idiot.    he has been shoving books and articles on the subject at me for a few months.  yesterday I pointed out to him when he started again on the subject that all of his crappy books and articles told me to accept him and be kind to him let him do what ever he wanted.  none of his material looked at the situation from how I might feel.  that was the straw that broke the camels beck.  he went ballistic.  the situation turned into a screaming swearing match.  this morning when he got out of bed I was sitting in the chair crying when he walked by and said  "good morning, how are you this morning/"   I told him.  the screaming, swearing, and accusations started all over.  he  slept all night I sat in the back yard and cried.  I have to stop now I can't see well enough to type.  thank you  

 

August 20, 2019 9:43 am  #2


Re: no idea what to do

I am sorry you are going through this Libby, this is definitely the group no one wants to have to be a part of. I tell my trans husband that all the time. That while I am glad i found this place i am furious i needed to find this place. I am 39 and we have been together 20 years and have a 5 year old so while not together as long as you I can understand the furiousness at your husbands attitude as mine has the same. 
Because he loves me that should mean we can cohabitate and raise our daughter as friends. Just because there is no intimacy anymore I am welcome to find that with other men so that should make up for what I have lost with him. Like he should get a prize for husband of the year because he has given me this option 
All his co workers and friends have told him how brave he is for living his truth and coming out but as i told him the minute he came out
of the closet he threw me into it and locked the door. While I have told some friends and one family member about my husband it does not matter because i still live two lives. A work life when I wear my rings, or my political charity life where I wear my rings, or family friend events who dont know and i wear my rings but dont at home. 
We have had many screaming matches because he thinks I am falling into societal norms and that if I was not so one sided on how I see things I coould be better with this, that it is my friends influence on how I feel but bottom line is i married a man and he is no longer a man 
I have taken every photo of us down because i cannot look at the man i married, the only ones up are the ones of him my daughter and i but today they are going into his bedroom so theyre up but not in my face evrey day. My walls like my heart is bare anymore 

 

August 20, 2019 10:29 am  #3


Re: no idea what to do

I was married to 30+ years to a gay-in-denial husband so I can't help you with the trans issue but if you have been married for 40 years you probably are in or near retirement and I can offer some suggestions on that.

Right now you are at the beginning of this whole mess and you will need to take care of yourself physically, mentally, spiritually and financially because you husband is only looking out for himself. Make an appointment with your family doctor and let him or her know what is going on so that high blood pressure, sleeplessness, and any other physical effects can be treated.

You will need a clear head to see where you want to go so getting an experienced counselor to talk things out with - one just for you - is important. You need a safe place to cry and be heard. If you are religious you may find yourself drawing closer to your faith or angry if you think it betrayed you. Don't beat yourself up for your feelings but accept them as where you are at now. 

A lawyer is not the best person to burst into tears with but the one person you need to consult when you feel up to it. Make copies of all financial documents so that he or she can let you know where you will stand under the laws where you live if you separate or divorce. Transitioning is expensive and you want to secure your share of marital assets before his bills deplete them. Retirement can last a long time and you don't want to be looking for work at 85.

Sorry if I sound cold and calculating. This is a journey none of us expected to take.
 


Try Gardening. It'll keep you grounded.
 

August 20, 2019 11:00 am  #4


Re: no idea what to do

I too am sorry you joined the club no one wants to join, but there is great support and advice here.  I will add to the others comments, you are 100 % valid in how you feel.  Your husband has changed the terms of the marriage contract without your consent and you have a right to your dissent. Had you wanted to marry a woman you would have chosen a different path.  The terms he presents void the social contract you embarked on.

Some folks on this site accept the situation and stay in MOMS( mixed orientation marriages) and those of us that leave respect their choice to stay. But that’s the whole point, he changed the terms, but it is YOUR choice not his or anyone else’s on what you should do, especially advice from those that honor his ‘bravery’.  (Forty years to disclosure while consuming another’s life strikes me as cowardice).

Abby’s advice is a good starting point to get yourself stabilized physically and emotionally then you can start to examine your options more objectively.

Wishing you strength and courage on this journey,

ADSJ

 

August 20, 2019 11:38 am  #5


Re: no idea what to do

I am so sorry this is happening to you. I have been grateful for this message board as it has a lot of sanity saving advice and kind, supportive posters.

Abby’s advice is spot on.  It is not cold or calculating. Spouses in our situation are often guilted into feeling sorry for the  other spouse’s new LGBTQ+ status. 

You may want to think why he is telling you this now after 40 years of marriage?  He has not been eight years old for a long time. Am assuming his father passed away many years ago.

I wish you the best as you navigate through this.


No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 
 

August 20, 2019 1:29 pm  #6


Re: no idea what to do

Libby,
    I'm sorry this has happened to you.  I know that it feels as if your husband has taken leave of his senses, and you are wondering what went wrong and hoping he starts acting sane again soon.  I know it feels as if you have fallen down a rabbit hole into a surreal world in which everything is topsy turvy--which includes his making you into the one with the problem.
   I know all this because I, too, have lived it.  My ex came in one day after 32 years of marriage and announced he was "a woman in a man's body."  Unbeknownst to me he had been "exploring" whether he "might be trans" for about three years before he made his announcement.  It's likely that your husband, too, has been "exploring" this question for a good long time that you have been unaware of. 
      I say that because it's important to remember that you are just now hearing what he has long been thinking over. You are in shock; you need to make sure that you care for yourself.  See a doctor.  See a lawyer.  Work with a therapist who has experience in relationship trauma.  You might want to make some space around yourself; sleep in another room, or go away for a few days, to family or friends, or even just by yourself.  When your husband is pushing, pushing, pushing you need space, and perspective--and getting out of the situation even for a few days can help provide this.  I know this will be hard to do, but try not to get lost in figuring out "why" he is the way he is; better to spend your time figuring out what it is YOU want to do now, and how to make that happen.
     Your life feels as if it's in tatters because it is.  Your husband has decided to shred it.  Unfortunately, life as you knew it, your marriage as you knew it, is never going to be that again.  The research says that once a man makes this announcement, he doesn't renounce it, and the urge never goes away, even if he goes through a binge-purge cycle with women's clothes.  You are going to grieve the loss of so much, and it's going to hurt unmercifully. 
    You do not need to live in his closet.  Your life is your life, and what he has introduced into your marriage makes it part of your life.  It's SO helpful and SO freeing when you are able to talk to someone in your life about what is happening. 
    Last thing: you need resources (other than the SSN Forum) that are for YOU, and are not designed to browbeat you into "accepting."  I'm pasting in a list below; these are resources I have found to be helpful to me:

Resources for wives of men who decide they’re transgender:

Academic and Professional:
  Michael Bailey, "The Man Who Would Be Queen."  It's available online and downloadable.  Bailey is a research psychologist at Northwestern Univ.
 
 Donna Chapman and Benjamin Caldwell: “Attachment Injury Resolution in Couples  When One Partner is Transgender”
Journal of Systemic Therapies, Vol 31, No. 2, 2012, pp36-53
(full text of article available online)

  Anne Lawrence, "Men Trapped in Men's Bodies/Becoming What We Love."  Lawrence is a trans person and an MD, a psychologist who treated (now retired) trans identified males.  Lawrence maintains an online presence and there are articles there.
 
http://www.annelawrence.com/autogynephilia_&_MtF_typology.html
 
Autogynephilia: An Underappreciated Paraphilia Anne A. Lawrence Department of Psychology, University of Lethbridge, Lethbridge, Alta., Canada
 
https://pdfs.semanticscholar.org/3eb9/a449b840ef525436454c4f658b8d364d194f.pdf
 
 Anne Lawrence's article on "wounded narcissism" (aka "narcissistic rage") available on the website, is also useful reading.

Memoirs/Accounts by Wives
 
Those who left:

 Christine Benvenuto: "Sex Changes."     A memoir

   “Naeferty”  (a pseudonym)  Naeferty ran a blog about her experiences with her own trans identified male partner.  Read the post "Gas Mark Six" and the comments.

https://makemorenoisemanc.wixsite.com/mysite/post/a-plea-for-help-for-feminists-from-a-trans-widow
 
A podcast: How my ex-husband’s transition made me feel
https://www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/p06xvbsc

   

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (August 21, 2019 11:52 am)

 

August 20, 2019 2:04 pm  #7


Re: no idea what to do

Libby,

So sorry.  You are in shock.

Take a breadth..read the first aid thread here..  Start building your support system (you did that by posting here).

This is not your fault and you didnt do anytbing wrong...it is all him.

Your in the start of a season,  a valley in your life...but it is not your end or destination.   

I will add this for others here also..it goes beyind the gay or trans...the fact that he can walk by you in the morning and not care really about your feelings..  That he thinks he can scream or yell and that will somehow make him right...that in itself is a scary narcissistic thing..  That trait can turn out to be worst of all..

Baby steps..wiahing you strengrh and comfort on your journey..


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

August 20, 2019 2:27 pm  #8


Re: no idea what to do

StraightSpouse 1979
Next time he tells you that you have fallen into "societal norms" you can say that from your perspective he has fallen into the trans cult.

 

August 20, 2019 6:11 pm  #9


Re: no idea what to do

OOHC 
That is exactly how I feel
His mother I thought was more so on my side with this telling him she is tired of this new age shit and to man up and take care of his family
but not she more so says to me that she feels our daughter needs us both and to try to stay for her sake

 

August 21, 2019 8:39 am  #10


Re: no idea what to do

libby, I'm so sorry for everything you're going through.  The pain of it comes across in your post.

Sometimes (especially in the beginning) it feels like you have no future, but you can't take comfort in remembering the past because you have suddenly learned the past was fake all along.  It's so hard to take it all in.

 

Board footera

 

Powered by Boardhost. Create a Free Forum