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1 of 1- Trance90
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My head is messing with me
My wife of 15 years recently came out as “not straight “. We decided to try an open on her end relationship, she is dating another late bloomer and they have yet to consummate their mutual attraction. My wife she doesn’t want to leave our family and does enjoy sex with me. I told her to explore these feelings she has and to always be honest with me. I have this little feeling in my in the back of my head that worries when she has her first experience her feelings for me will change. I was asking those of you with similar experiences what you think, because to me I do worry that feelings change especially if this other woman changes them for her. I am going to support her no matter what she chooses because her happiness is important to me. Sorry if rambled to much
- morpheus
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Re: My head is messing with me
It's hard to tell for sure, what is happening, or what will happen, cause it's very personal for every case.
In my opinion, your both feelings won't be the same again. Everything changed already, just not by your side. I don't think that the other woman is important here, it's your spouse's feelings that changed (or been not supressed anymore).
I don't believe in possibility to keep love the same level as it was. Cause intimacy is more than just sex for me, it's all about trust and feelings. And i don't know, if it's possible to
be equaly loving person for both - husband and lover.
I like the idea of keeping your marriage, i just don't see, how i could handle it myself. So for both of you it could be a different point of view.
I also see that you are sacrifising your interests for her's (i want her to be happy). But i don't see were is your happiness. It is as important, as her's. You both won't be happy if it's only about her.
- lily
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Re: My head is messing with me
Trance - it's not surprising you're feeling messed with. I hope you are reading here and getting the basic points - they know about their same sex feelings from an early age or at least the same as us, ie onset of puberty - this is something she has kept hidden from you for 15 years, why expect honesty now?
gut feeling - what do you think came first, her meeting this other 'late bloomer', or when she told you about her same sex attraction.
it's not a little something she kept hidden from you it's her primary feelings - it matters a lot.
at some point you are going too want to sit down and think about what sleeping with a lesbian has done to you. after I knew my ex was gay there was a time when I found myself thinking through my memories, particularly the early ones - based on a gut feel from that I reckon it took about three weeks of sleeping with him to lose confidence in my own sexuality. It happened so fast and I didn't notice it was happening at all at the time.
Not sure why I didn't notice but I think maybe it's because I was already just wanting to please him, do better because it was my fault, too busy being in love with him, caring about what impact I was having on him rather than noticing the impact he was having on me. I trusted him to look after me as I looked after him.
He had an entirely different take on things but he wasn't telling me that.
- MJM017
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Re: My head is messing with me
lily wrote:
based on a gut feel from that I reckon it took about three weeks of sleeping with him to lose confidence in my own sexuality. It happened so fast and I didn't notice it was happening at all at the time.
Hi Lily, True for me when he lost interest a yr after our wedding . Slowly I froze my sexuality. I stopped wearing trendy clothing, styling my hair and wearing makeup. I wasn’t attracted to anyone and made sure I didn’t look attractive so I wouldn’t cheat & further ruin the marriage. Was sure it was all my fault.
Trance, please look at the MOM section of this board. This will not be an easy road for you or your spouse. Get all the support you can. Wishing you two the best.
No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa
- lily
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Re: My head is messing with me
Hi MJM,
yes big things and little things. Things he did and things he didn't do. It was maybe a month or two after we started sleeping together that he kissed me down there - wow that was nice only he never did it again. That is just a sample, I can't bear to go through the whole humiliating list. These are the big things, and omg, just dipping my toe in and the list is endless - he wouldn't let me cuddle up on a cold night. Looking back it's so much rejection, didn't want me kissing him, oh it just goes on and on and yes, agreed - actively I am repressing my sexuality it's all my fault, sway my hips and it's distasteful, and then when we are older my friends are advising me and slowly I realise he has been talking to them, complaining I am not affectionate, don't spend enough on his gifts, and don't ever initiate sex - my charming little fake husband.