MJM017, thanks for your comment. Maybe i have not made it clear. I'm not questioning her right to meet with son - it's important not only to her, but to our son too, i guess. I'm questioning the logic to not tell him why she left home, but still, take him to her lover's living place (or, maybe, she won't?). I know, that she won't get her own place for a long time, cause she is currently unemployed, so she lives at her friend's appartments. Even if she'll meet in neutral places, would she hide her homosexual friend all the time? If she won't hide, then again, what's the point to not tell everything. He's 12 years, he understand things better than she, i guess. 

Last edited by morpheus (August 8, 2019 3:29 pm)

I think being honest with children in a sensitive and an age appropriate way is the best way forward. They're more perceptive than we give them credit for and it keeps the doors open for any conversations they may need to have.

What I'm trying to get across to my 10 year old son is it's OK to be who you are and to love who you love when you're both adults. It's secrets, lies and bullying that are not OK.

I guess one of my biggest fears is that if he would also be transgender, he would equate that with being abandoned because I left his dad.
For this reason I've never spoken out negatively about his Dad's changes but I do call out any bullying behaviour.

I don't think I'd handle it differently if he was older but I guess I'll only understand the difference with a teenager in a few years...

I wanted to reply and thank all of you for your helpful insights, advice, and personal stories.  I always felt it important to tell my children personally, and altogether, and to do that before speaking with my husband.  I had a "safe plan," and it went well.  My children were upset (21 son), worried (15 son), validated (24 daughter), compassionate (17 son).

I kept thinking that "lying is not love."  And I had an earworm of a religious choral piece that my grandfather had composed, called "The Truth Shall Set You Free." 

However, I also was very concerned that my children would not trust me if I told about their dad's sexuality.  How could they trust me with their own secrets?  Would they be able to understand the different nuances, of how when you are in a relationship, then the secrets are not your own?  I finally decided to just tell my story and focus on the abusive dynamics--because I believe the hidden sexual secrets are about abuse and manipulation too.  In telling them my story, I included how at a peak of emotional hostility from my husband, I discovered his phone history.  I told the kids "he had been looking at images and at sites for being with people who I could never be."  Something kind of lame like that.

The next day, my 15 yr old text raged at me for 45 min, then raged in my face for 50 min.  He told me I would have to live my life knowing I was selfish and had failed and not tried everything I could.  He said I cared more about my selfish selfish self than about him.  He got mad about "So Dad looked at what, dating apps?"  He also was just full of grief that if I could have just told him, or told all the siblings, they could have intervened and told their dad to stop it and change his (abusive) ways.  He also had so much grief about how he had learned his parents were not the people he though they were.  We were GARBAGE PARENTS! 

Then he also told me he had watched a TED talk about how marriages fail (and cheaters cheat) because they do not have enough sex.  Basically, my 15 son was suggesting that my husband was looking at "Dating apps" because I was not putting out enough.

I did not like that one bit.  I accepted the raging, and know I am "the safe parent."  But I was not going to allow my kids to think the marriage failed because I had not had enough sex with their dad.  Son kept pushing, and I told him finally, "Your dad was looking at sites for having sex with other people.  For decades.  I cannot stay married to someone who does not treat me with decency."

I kept thinking of all the advice others gave me here in this discussion, which I had finally swayed from.  I felt so mad at myself.  However, my therapist said, how could I expect myself to know just what was best.  I also realized that I was getting the fallout from the choice I made, but that I would have had different fallout if I had told all--I just did not know what that was.

However, it convinced me that I needed to push my husband to come clean with the children.  I had been asking him this for a few weeks. I had been telling him, "there is so much grief here, can you please share the truth with the children?"

As someone posted above, I had learned already that he just would not negotiate.  He would not have done it, IMO.  But I basically pushed him, based on 15 son's rage and grief, which husband had overheard.  He (husband) was super willing to just let me be the fall guy.

But something clicked for my husband, and he did it.  He came clean.  There is much more to this story. 

The children are in shock, I think.  But I could see how my 15 son was suffering from the same "great betrayal" feelings I have felt--of learning that his life was not what he thought it was.  I also later got an earful from 21 son expressing similar things but in his own personality.  "You all SUCK!  I can't STAND you!  It is all FAKE!"  Because of all this anger and suffering--and the other two children in their own ways--I believed it was better for them to know it all, and all at once--as quickly as possible.  I told my husband that for the sake of the kids, if he did not tell them, I would, but that I was giving him a chance out of respect, and out of my belief that this would help him heal his relationships with his children for the future.

I sat in on the dad-and-kids meeting, which made him mad, but I said it was my story too, and I deserved to hear what he had to say.  My husband gave me a chance to explain why I wanted to be there (he was peeved), and I said that the truth can be painful, but it is better than living in the fake.  I said I had wanted to tell them more when I spoke with them before, but that I believed that some of the story was their dad's to tell.  I had also sent husband an email before his therapy appointment that week, pretty much appealing to his sense of honor to love his children by stopping the lies.  To "restore truth to the foundation of our family" or something like that, so that our children could process and have happier lives.  I elaborated on the grief and anger of our 15 son and how traumatic it would be for the kids to have to reprocess additional information in the future.

Not only did my husband talk with them about his sexuality, he also talked about his abuse of me and the children--and how he wanted to be a "chain breaker."  He said that his mother had asked him to do this very thing when he was a teen. 

In the things my husband said, there was still an undertheme of "I wanted to make it work with your gorgeous mom," but "I wasn't enough for her."  UUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHH!

Still, it was amazing.  At one point beforehand, I found myself thinking, "you are not brave, you are a coward, because I had to push you to this, and you have worked on yourself at my expense--a year of emotional traction."  However, it is still his work, and really amazing that he did it.  Yes it came at my expense, but he still did it, and that required a lot of courage.  So I am trying to honor that.  I have never seen him so anxious as he was in the days before.  I am still so incredibly angry and hurt about it all.  But I do give him credit for this incredibly hard thing he has done--to be so honest and risk so much.

So now--rollercoaster craziness continues.  I am genuinely worried about my kids.  But I believe this was best.  My husband was able to tell his story, the children can process all the trauma at once, and (I hope) they know they can trust me to keep their secrets and to make sure they have the truth.  This will take time, but i belive my children will have more healthy emotional lives because of this.

Obviously this will take time.
 

Last edited by OnMyOwnTwoFeet (August 12, 2019 11:51 pm)

You did the right thing.  You pulled the band-aid off in one stroke. Kudos to you.  Your children will hurt for awhile, they too have just lost an identity ..., of their parents and their parents’ marriage and an intact family.  Anger is the first phase of grieving and teen anger is the worst. You now have a foundation of truth to build on as they come back with questions and you can build the narrative and the new life.

All the best,

ADSJ

For what it’s worth, my therapist once told me the safest parent endures all the anger. That’s been my experience with my teenage son.  15 and 16 were tough years. He’s 17-1/2 now and I see some light at the end of the tunnel.