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August 6, 2019 8:00 pm  #1

My stupid plan

Since I found my wife’s texts with her new friend saying she needs to have sex with her to see if this gay thing is for her. She has no idea I know about this or even her friend. I am going to let this play out between them so then I will have an idea if this is an experiment or for real. Each night I have to stay up longer than her to get her phone so I know where in this damn farce I am. Waiting for her tell me to visit my friend for the weekend so I will be out of the way. What shit this is.


August 6, 2019 8:21 pm  #2

Re: My stupid plan

Sorry you're going through this. Keep in mind that playing spy can be damaging to yourself if it goes on for too long. Once you know enough, you know enough.

At some point I believe you have to move to the "tell me what's going on" conversation. I'd suggest revealing little of what you really know and see how honest she becomes with you. That will give you some valuable insight on what directions are possible.

I know this whole situation sucks so be kind to yourself.


“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer

August 6, 2019 8:43 pm  #3

Re: My stupid plan

You'll only keep up the surreptitious checking of her phone til it dawns on you that this behavior....hers and yours....
isn't one that belongs in a stable & happy r'ship, where there's trust & honesty.

I've been there, done that....the relief I had when I realised it didn't matter how much I snooped or how much I discovered/didn't discover, this shouldn't happen if my r'ship was all good....the relief was palpable, and allowed me to take another step forward to sorting out my life.

KIA KAHA                       

August 6, 2019 10:54 pm  #4

Re: My stupid plan

My divorce is in progress now.  There came a point after all the lies for years & some recent admission of same sex attraction (minimal), I knew if this person valued me, cared for me, or cared for our children, grandchildren or the wonderful life we had the ability to have them there would be no reason I would need to be wondering about all the unknowns & thoughts/activities he may or may not be involved in.

It seems simple now that if he respected or cared for me or our family, we would not be in the situation we are in. No more questioning him, trying to figure out about TGT or if he loved us at all. The only resolve I could see was divorce with no contact ASAP. 

No reason to delay the inevitable any longer. They are self-centered and only concerned for themselves or we would not be in the spot we are in! 

Can’t wait for my divorce to be final!  I don’t need a self centered, using AHole taking advantage of me any longer.

Best wishes for a good outcome for you. It is definitely difficult any option we choose!


August 8, 2019 6:36 am  #5

Re: My stupid plan


Go for it..   But as a former straight spy/snoop I can tell you it will eventually eay you up..make you shake with trauma when she goes out..ie..are they shopping or having sex?  Why should i have to wonder.

You are in shock so take time to be kind to yourself and stay in reality.

As for your plan..at some point I ask where she was going one night knowinf full well where and what she was going to do..i beg her to stay home with me amd the kids...and she chose to see her girlfriend...that told me all i needed to know.

So you can ask at some point but dont be surprised when she lies to your face.  At that point its best to start getting all your finances etc in a row and think how to separate..being prepared gives uou some control over your life. 

So so sorry.

"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7

August 9, 2019 9:43 pm  #6

Re: My stupid plan

I would echo what the others have said - snooping will eat you up. You’re going to bargain with yourself about her behavior and what you think you know is going on. Also, don’t be surprised if she is doing this with full knowledge you naybe snooping.   Given how easy it is for people to use apps etc that you couldn’t access. My experience is the cheater and the AP have many options.
Take the high road and be strong.


August 12, 2019 10:48 am  #7

Re: My stupid plan

Hi Trance.  
I agree snooping is poison.  My advice is to confront her.  Second piece of advice is to email her and lay out all of the evidence you have and hold nothing back and demand the truth.  Stay calm and reasonable as hard as that is.  My reason behind the email is they will be on the defense and twist and warp everything, you forget what you wanted to say or they twist it around on you and you're at a disadvantage because you're emotions are running high.
Once they get caught up in lying they can't bring themselves go back and say that oh actually you're right I've been lying all along, they keep trying to reinforce the lie with more lies.  The best you can hope for is if you lay it all out in the email she'll realize there is no point in trying to lie and come clean.  Also because this is written and all documented be careful not to say anything you wouldn't want someone else to read...like a judge if it ever comes to that.  Good luck.


August 12, 2019 1:28 pm  #8

Re: My stupid plan


About snooping, it depends on your purpose. It’s a painful discovery. I tend to want to minimize my pain and tend to accept nice sounding explanations from the wrongdoer. I snooped to keep reality in check.

Laurence, I wonder if my GIDXH let me see the gay FB post on purpose. Taunting me to be the angry, bad person to make him look innocent and sweet was his style.

Trance if your partner denies, my GX did so in crazy making ways like these — https://www.google.com/amp/s/money.good.is/articles/gaslight-your-coworkers/amp

Last edited by MJM017 (August 12, 2019 1:29 pm)

No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 

August 12, 2019 4:50 pm  #9

Re: My stupid plan

I confronted her last week and we aired the laundry she said it all with no prompting from me. She stated she wants to stay together and do as well. I said if she ever wants to leave it’s her decision. As this this is the second time this happened to me (first was LTR girlfriend). I am done with the hunt, I don’t want to look for another relationship. Somehow we are both happier then we have been in awhile. So I told her to discover herself as she states sex with me is good, and is not looking for a replacement. I have decided she can have a open relationship on her end as long as we are both honest and communicate. I was afraid to post this because I am sure you guys who gave wonderful advice will say I’m nuts but I had to share.

     Thread Starter

August 12, 2019 5:27 pm  #10

Re: My stupid plan

My only guidance is that you not lose yourself and you find the level of reciprocity that you can thrive with. For those of us that leave our MOMS, our spouse offered terms in the relationship that we cannot live with. There is insufficient reciprocity in meeting needs.

I don’t think anyone here judges those that stay, if they can find a way to make it work for both party’s needs.

All the best,



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