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1 of 1- De_Profundis
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Ugh, why do I even read other things on the internet?
I follow a FB group that is just relationship advice and other chit-chat -- I never post there and rarely comment, but sometimes it's interesting reading. Well, recently I saw a post from someone who had just come out as transgender to his wife. The OP went on to say that their years-long marriage and even longer relationship was probably destroyed and that he was now locked in to a room at work crying his eyes out.
More than 100 comments last time I checked, and although I didn't read all of them, I did not see even one from a person wondering if the spouse (whose marriage just exploded) was also in another room somewhere, crying her eyes out. The comments were just a wall of hearts and support and "you're so so so so brave." A few added that "maybe she'd come around, but if she doesn't, then you wouldn't want to be with someone who doesn't accept your REAL SELF anyway."
(I'm sometimes amused by commenters on this group who offer advice to people who have been married for decades. From the comments, I'd guess that most of them are aged 15-25 and have no idea what that level of solid commitment looks like or feels like. They advise throwing away a 20-year marriage like it's no big deal. Charming!)
I hope the abandoned wife finds her way to SSN. I'd have suggested it in a comment, but (a) the OP would probably never see it, eclipsed as it would be by a massive amount of heart emojis and virtue-signaling from all the other commenters; (b) it might get some unsupportive people infiltrating SSN and making us feel less safe; and (c) it would probably get me banned from the group (which I guess wouldn't be that bad, I probably waste too much time there anyway).
- De_Profundis
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Re: Ugh, why do I even read other things on the internet?
Oh, and I forgot to add -- in a subsequent comment, the OP mentions that he had already told several friends, who were all supportive, causing him even more shock when his wife did not respond the same way. What I wanted to say to him:
(1) Of COURSE it's easier for friends to be supportive; they have no reason to feel betrayed or deceived as a spouse would. How stupid are you?!
(2) So now your wife knows that you not only put off telling her for a long time; you didn't even give her the respect of being the first person to hear it from you. She was lower priority than your friends.
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Thread Starter- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Ugh, why do I even read other things on the internet?
Omg.....you know you should post a comment don't you? You may regret not doing it.
Carefully worded of course. Nothing to inflame the situation but hell....this person's wife could be reading and wondering why she hasn't been mentioned...as a casualty.
Betcha there are other readers wanting to say something
KIA KAHA
- StrongerThanIKnew
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Re: Ugh, why do I even read other things on the internet?
Makes me want to join the group and comment. I hate the "You're so brave" comments. In reality, it should be "You're so selfish." because, well........, it is the height of selfishness.
- MJM017
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Re: Ugh, why do I even read other things on the internet?
DF, As a gentle suggestion, staying away from these groups for now may be better for you. A lot of people do not understand having married an in the closet LGBTQ+ --- unless it happens to them.
I tried reaching out for support among friends and family when I filed for divorce. They did not and still don't believe me about the abuse and his closeted status. My GIDXH was a tall guy with an athletic build. He looked like an US NFL player. Plus he was a charming guy. I deleted my FB account after our separation on my attorney's advice. He stayed on and slandered me to my own relatives and friends. It's not hard to do w/my relatives -- they are very conservative and men's opinions are "fact." Friends don't like to be in the middle of trouble or think divorce is contagious.
My parents and a sibling believe me because they spent a lot of time with my GIDXH.
Please seek support from those who believe you and honor your feelings. Hugs to you and sending good thoughts your way!
Last edited by MJM017 (August 7, 2019 3:04 pm)
No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa
- a_dads_straight_journey
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Re: Ugh, why do I even read other things on the internet?
A post as simple and objective as ..
Hmmm... let’s see the husband just changed the terms of the marriage without the consent of the wife and who is getting all the sympathy? She married a husband not a wife.
Or an automobile metaphor ...
Hmmm...if I ordered a loaded F-150 from the dealer and got a Pink Mary Kay Cadillac instead wouldn’t
I feel duped?
But after thinking about it I expect both of these would still offend...
No one can truly understand it unless they’ve been through it...
Last edited by a_dads_straight_journey (August 7, 2019 3:20 pm)
- OutofHisCloset
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Re: Ugh, why do I even read other things on the internet?
ADSJ,
Yes, then she'd get the "s/he's still the same person inside" crap. To which I always say, if s/he's still the same person inside then why does s/he have to transition? Why is it always the spouses who are told to be willing to change their entire sense of themselves and the marriage and not the person who wants to blow everything up? If you're still the same person inside, then just keep living as the person you are. The fact is they AREN'T the same person: they want nothing more than to be an entirely different person, down to the their biological sex. They want to dress differently, act differently, have sex differently, take a new name, get new friends, and abandon past pursuits and take up new ones. How, exactly, is that evidence of "the same person"?
Most people haven't given the whole trans thing any more thought than they would to an autonomic reflex--until something goes wrong with their own.
- StraightSpouse1979
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Re: Ugh, why do I even read other things on the internet?
Hmm sounds like something my husband would have written. He told me that he told lots of people who said that if I didn’t stay then I didn’t love him anyways