Maybe what they are asking you is to consider if this is an option for you, to help you set some boundaries for yourself and your marriage. If your answer is no, and it's being asked of you, or possibly being tossed out as an option by your husband, then you know what you need to do.

If what is being suggested is that your husband be allowed to 'have his cake and eat it too' (i.e. Stay married to you and live a gay life 'on the side') and that is simply not an option for you then that's all you should need to say.

Most people go into a marriage expecting fidelity. Expecting to 'forsake all others'... 'Until death parts us'. Be very clear where your boundaries are. I mean... When you got married what did you sign up for?? Your husband can't move the goal posts now and expect you to happily play along. YOU are still reading from the script. It's HIM who has gone off script. HE needs to take responsibility for that and accept that you don't have to change anything if you don't want to.

YOU get to decide how far he goes off script before you leave the scene.

Last edited by Steve (September 12, 2016 6:27 pm)

L&S -

It sounds a little bit like you aren't sure yourself what you do want, but you already do know what you don't want; is that accurate?  Like others have said, the therapist's job is to help you discover what you want, and to explore options with you. It is not the therapist's job to tell you what to do or how to do it. Early on in therapy, if they are anything at all like my therapist, they will be asking you a lot of questions upfront designed to help you clarify your thoughts, wants, needs, etc. If you aren't sure of what you want, then tell the therapist that, so that s/he knows that "uncertainty" is your starting point. If you can identify what you don't want, include that too. Their job is to help you fill in the blanks, but not to fill in the blanks for you. But they need to know where and what the blanks are. And if you yourself aren't sure what the blanks are, then they need to know that too.

A good therapist is able to take feedback from you.
A good therapist does not become argumentative with you.
A good therapist does not fix the problem for you, he teaches you how to fix it yourself.
A good therapist works himself out of his job, meaning he teaches you to become independent, even from him.
A good therapist makes no promises but offers hope.
A good therapist admits and explains his mistakes, but does not defend them, and he knows the difference.
A good therapist will ask difficult and painful questions of you.
A good therapist does not ask favors of you.
A good therapist does not give you a fish, he teaches you to fish.
A good therapist listens and empathizes without coddling you.
A good therapist will (tactfully) help you see where you get in your own way.
A good therapist does not claim to have all the answers and admits it when he doesn't have an answer.
A good therapist is licensed and credentialed and will show you proof of his education and training.
A good therapist will not have a dual relationship with you; he is your therapist, not your buddy, not your lawyer, not your minister, not your neighbor, not your teacher. He is your therapist, and nothing else.

On the other hand, if you are repeating a pattern of starting therapy and leaving to find another therapist, and this is a pattern because you can't find a "good" therapist, consider that the problem might be you, and not the string of therapists. After all, if this is a pattern that keeps happening to you, then the common denominator each time is you. (I am talking here about one-to-one therapy, not couples counseling.)
 

Last edited by BryonM (September 12, 2016 9:44 pm)