Daisy,

So sorry.  On top of the gay thing and lying there is the anger where they turn on you.. I was discarded when I threw up the slightest boundary. ..ie..no I will not share you with a woman.
Don't expect any remorse or compassion ..simply anger.  I think the anger is because we know their truth and they can't seem to own it. It matters little..even if you stayed  he would still do whatever he wants..  dont buy into their drama and anger...  in my case my ex was actively cheating...she then tried to guilt me with all kinds of silly things as the reason she was divorcing me..ie..you didn't take out the trash. Stuff she never mentioned before. It was like the logic of a 4 year old trying to cover up a wrong doing.   
I urge you to get a legal parenting schedule.  Our spouses as you've seen seem to turn on us throwing away all honor and  decency in their anger.

Daisyduke wrote:

 He called me weak, a liar for breaking a promise (I actually did not tell him I would keep this secret) he stated he wasn't gay and he told me my moving out was basically my problem and he'd "see about helping me get moved and resettled". He was drunk again and he seems to have simply thrown in the towel on caring.

I've never seen this kind of hostility from him, I feel shocked by it. I'm really hurt that he's being unkind towards me. I've lost a fabulous best friend.

Your "best friend" has just let his mask slip down.  You just got a glimpse of his true self.  It is shocking, isn't it?  It is ugly and mind blowing and incomprehensible. But it is the truth. Believe what you saw. Don't try to explain it away.  Just act on it.  Let that pit in your stomach help you spring into action and move.  If you have friends or family you can temporarily stay with until you get your own place, stay with them.

The first time I saw my "Best Friend" turn from Dr. Jekyll into Mr. Hyde was confusing, puzzling, and down right scary.  I had know him for 3 years and been married for 1 year. He had always been charming, affable, kind, loving, etc.  I was so confused.  I had never seen anyone flip emotions or personalities so quickly.  I had no idea what I was dealing with and I made 1001 excuses for his behavior.  I convinced myself it was a fluke.  But it wasn't.  It did not happen often, but it would continue to occur once or twice a year.  Each time I would feel ambushed, puzzled, and scared and each time I would excuse his behavior.  What I was really doing was slowly acclimating to his crazy; like a frog in a slowly warming to simmering to boiling pot of water (per Steve).  I spent most of my marriage wondering where Prince Charming had gone, when he would return, and what could I do to make that happen.  It never did. Towards the end of our cohabitation it would occur more and more frequently. One minute he would be fine and the next he would turn. It was like living with two separate people; one good and one bad and I would never know who was going to walk in the door.  In the end he ripped the mask entirely off and I fled with the kids when even his friends opined that he was a danger to us.  

I think I wrote this to you yesterday: "when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." 

He is not your best friend.  He is not Straight or monogamous.  He is not who you thought he was.  He is not for you and he is not a healthy or stable influence on your child(ren). 

Finally, reduce the amount you "tell him" what you are thinking and what you are planning.  Not all, but some of our X's have become violent at the end of the relationship.  Be smart and be careful and get out.
 

Last edited by WendiT (September 12, 2016 11:08 am)

His smug and unaffected face, then trying to seem interested and caring enrages me.  I have horrible thoughts running thru my mind today. 

And he actually thinks I'm going to move out but stay with his while he explores all this????

Hi Daisy,

First off, I'm so sorry that you're going through all of this.  It's like a bad nightmare, I know.  The only people who truly seem to understand what you're going through are those who have been through The Gay Thing (TGT) themselves.  Our stories are not the exact same as yours, but the more you read, the more you'll realize that we've all suffered through very similar scenarios of being lied to, deceived, and having our lives hijacked.  The people here won't always tell you what you want to hear - but they will tell you what they think you NEED to hear.  While you will find much compassion here, we aren't here so much to pat your hand as we are to help lead you away from things that lead to further destruction, devastation and injury.  So many of us here have gone through endless loops of trying to make it work, only to realize later in retrospect that we should have just ripped the bandaid off MUCH sooner.  So we advocate that for our brothers and sisters in TGT - what we wish someone would have done for us, or what we find value in.  Know that what we say comes from experience and a desire to protect you.

Now..... I want to talk to you for a moment about WHY your fiancee broke the engagement in the first place.  A person who thought they should break off their engagement would have a reason.  If the reason(s) were something that he thought were potentially fixable (by you), he should have previously brought them to your attention for resolution.  The other reasons would be that he's just not ready to get married (to anyone), or that he thought there was an unresolvable issue in the relationship. The issue(s) could be unresolvable because attempting to resolve them has proved fruitless, or because he can see no way for them to be resolved. For instance, maybe one of the kids is showing signs that they are not on board with the marriage.  Or the two of you see yourself living in different cities.  But it could also be due to something like a sexual incompatibility or base personality incompatibility.  Most people would have thought through all these issues ahead of getting engaged, so the only reason to call off an engagement is because they've since realized you're not ready for that level of commitment at all, or because they see the issues as unresolvable.  EITHER WAY, he's telling you that he doesn't see this working.  There is literally no way for you to work on the issues - he's decided they're not fixable, and the two of you are therefore incompatible.  It would be nice if he could give you a reason that you both understand and agree with, but that doesn't always happen.  The two of you do not have to agree on futility of the marriage - one of you thinking you're not ready to commit to it is enough.  That's his right, and it is also yours.  The fact that you disagree (and don't even understand) is the hard part.  Being denied something you want desperately without knowing why you can't have it is always very difficult to embrace.

Since you found out about the porn yourself, it would seem to me that him being gay is the reason for the break-up.  It would seems that he realized that you two couldn't make each other happy due to sexual incompatibility, but wasn't brave enough to tell you that.  He seems to want to keep his secret more than anything, so he didn't even plan on telling you the real reason for blowing up your world.  You found his secret anyway, and then he had to talk about it.  But he still doesn't want to admit that THAT'S the reason for breaking off the engagement, because that would mean admitting that his same-sex attraction is a big deal.  And he wants that part of himself to remain firmly in the realm of normal.  He can't do that if he admits how big of a deal it is.  So he will minimize it while still trying to wriggle out of the noose that being married will be to his sexual preferences.  You see, if he's married to you, he can't exactly bring men and trannies home to play with.  And honestly, he wants that more than you.  It's not personal - he wants men and trannies more than he wants marriage with ANY woman - even you.

Many here have said that it's a gift to you that he's pulling the plug before marriage, and that he's doing anything at all besides marrying AND playing around.  As unlikely as that seems at this time, it's true.  Because otherwise he'd be lying to you about him wanting to be married and committed.  There IS another option - and he's hoping that you'll take it.  It's to move out AND continue to see him.  That way he can have his sexual daliances AND the person that makes him feel loved and taken care of.  You would be a fool to take that offer - you only offer someone everything when they can give you everything in return.  Otherwise it's a lopsided arrangement that isn't worth it - not matter HOW much you love them and only them and want them.  It's not worth it in the end.

If anything, I'd ask him for the savings back that you plunked into the house - whatever your 1/8th was.  He does owe you that.  It isn't marital property, and he broke a promise (even if for the best).  Ask him for that back on the basis that you gave that in good faith and don't have any reason to be penniless because he changed his mind.  Take it and run.  Far and fast.  Don't try to maintain contact.  Don't reach out to him for consolation.  Don't do anything but get over him and move on with your life, knowing that what could have happened if the marriage had happened is FAR worse than the break up you're going through.

I wish you all the best -

Kel

Daisyduke wrote:

Now what? My rage has subsided, some relief is coming thru and I pray he doesn't renege again.
Holy cow I cannot believe this is all real.

Keep moving forward and do not look back.  Your only contact with him will be what is necessary to get the money he owes you.  Then you completely detach and rebuild your new life.  

Don't forget that moving on takes time.  The betrayal, grief, and hurt are all very real physical emotions.  Even though you've taken real action to escape from this horrible situation it will still take you a while to let your emotions catch up. Find a strong support network - family, friends, professionals.  Don't be hard on yourself if you're feeling depressed, unmotivated, scared, etc..  

Feel free to share your emotions in depth here.  It's great therapy to write them down and describe how you are feeling and release that emotion.  There are so many people here who have felt the exact same things as you are going through.