Intro
I met my wife a month before my 19th Birthday.  The moment I saw her I had a feeling like no other and I still have that feeling to this day. We spent the entire night together playing pool, laughing and talking. I was in a relationship for the past 3 years when I meet her and ( it had it ups and downs and I was young). I could not get her off my mind and a week later she called me saying she couldn't either. She even told her friends and mother that she had met the man that she was going to marry. I ended the relationship with the other girl before anything would happen with her. I have always believed in trust, honesty and faithfulness.They are the foundation of who I am. We began dating and quickly fell in love. Shortly after we began living together while was attending University.

I know everyone's story is a little different and I have only read/heard a few.

I can tell you that we went on to have three beautiful children and have spent the last 25 years together (married for 18 years). We are best friends, she is the first person I think about when I wake up and the last person when I go to sleep. She is the one I want to tell when anything good or bad happens to me. We have an awesome relationship and I know she feels it and knows that too. We have spent most of our time together because cause we always feel a void when we are not together. I know many marriages where people spend little time together and maybe that works for them. But we love being with each other.We weather alot of life's storms together ( 2 children with autism, health issues , financial ups and downs etc... alot ) and it always brought us closer together, I thought... no I know it did.

Now the bedroom:
This is a complicated one.
Some people describe that from the beginning they knew something wasn't right. I didn't feel that, maybe I was young but if it wasn't, then I didn't see it. Shortly after we met she revealed to me that she had been molested by her half brother for a few years at the age of seven and six months before she met me she had lived with guy who emotionally, physically, and sexually abused her... We cried together when she shared the the details... If you know me then she would have seen me as her knight in shinning armour. I thought she should get therapy but she didn't think it was necessary because she was happy and that was the past. It didn't really seem to affect the bedroom or our ability to be intimate (because sex really is only a small part of true intimacy).
She never was an initiator but I figured that had to do with her past. I accepted it. Then in her early 20s she started getting ovarian cysts and ended up with endometriosis. Sex was physically uncomfortable for her and I again I was accepting of this complication. After we had kids she had to have a partial hysterectomy. After that sex was no longer painful and I thought finally we can have a truly awesome bedroom life. And at times I thought we did. After kids she went on to have severe back pain which would again affect the bedroom..I just accepted the cards we were delt because I loved her and all other parts of our marriage were wonderful. In the last 3 years she has suffered from stomach issues that the doctors label as IBS , but I don't agree. So let me say this. I walked with her through all this and I am very educated so I know she has not been making this stuff up. I always thought that her past coupled with these health issues were cause enough for our bedroom life to be less then stellar. Complicated I know. You see I always put her needs first and always made sure she was taken care. I was never a selfish lover and I could always make her orgasim and afterwards we would cuddle( not roll over and just go to sleep) I felt the true intimacy and she says she did too. Maybe she is good actor a damn good one. But believe me I have been rejected more then I can count even though I always was intentional to create romance, always said if there is something you need from me then I am willing. I always justified it with the past circumstances and thought oh well she just not that sexual of a person. I was very accepting of it even though I longed for more. I love her.

About eight months ago she started to get really anxious she totally wasn't herself. Our bed life was barren and when it was it was like she wasn't really there. I guess her marriage obligation at best. She went to the doctor, got on some meds and it helped with the anxiety.  She still wasn't herself and became more and more withdrawn and into her own world. I thought that her past and not dealing with was finally catching up to her. She had body image issues alot of negative self talk even though I have always lifted her up, told her how beautiful, smart, wonderful she really was because I truly believed it. She didn't want to be with me sexually and she couldn't even herself figure our why. I am not hard on the eyes ( not that this should matter) but I only say this because I see other women looking at me many times and when you take that and the way I have always invested in my marriage I couldn't understand what was wrong. I said it must just be her past, the health issues. But I always thought if I could just be a little better , just go that extra step then it would click and make that difference.

SO... 1045pm July 15 2019 the night before my 44th Birthday. We got into a argument because we had been going around on this issue for so long and I said to her what is going on, You don't seem to be attracted to me. What are you attracted to females or something. I wasn't prepared for the response. She responded yes I am. According to her responding to me was the first time she allowed herself to truly admit it to herself...
She claims that she has not been with anyone and has not formed any emotional bonds with some other female.

My world... my reality...my everything as I know it has been shattered..my heart is broken into a million pieces and I don't understand any of this. The emotions are F****d
We have talked and she claims that when she looks back she felt physical attraction to females in her twenties but quickly denied them because she was happily married... she couldn't be gay.. it was only attraction, she loved me more then anything and was happy. So I guess she stuffed them and over the years if they came back she would quickly excuse them because she said she had everything she wanted in a partner... it couldn't be true. She has told me in our talks that in the past recent years that there was times when we were making love that she would fantasize that I was woman. Wow how do you unpack that. The betrayal I feel. The anger. I literally spend the last 25 years intentionally being the best person I could be for her( not perfect) but damn near close. This is so not fair.

Many details I have not put because then this would be a novel but I hope this sheds some light on my story

Thanks

Last edited by Thumper (July 28, 2019 9:52 am)