JK - I am very sorry to hear about your ex likely losing his job.  I hope he's got the drive to get out there and quickly find a new position.  This is not the kind of news you needed!!

About moving forward in a positive way with your ex...

My ex and I get along very well, and always did, even in our darkest days.  We genuinely love each other, so that counts for a lot.  And neither of us WANTS to fight, so that counts for a lot too. But beyond those two things, which aren't really choices, I think the key to keeping a positive relationship is mutual respect and positive communication.  Once the disrespect begins, it's pretty much down-hill from there.  Insults and cheap shots are very hard to recover from, especially if both people are lobbing grenades at each other.

Also, a key aspect for us is that we continue to think and operate as team, especially with respect to the kids and our families.  Because we agree to work from a shared agenda, there's a lot less fodder for disagreements or fights.

All of that said, some detachment was necessary.  Basically our old relationship needed to come apart and then come back together in a new way.  There needed to be a clear difference between being married and being close friends.  If there hadn't been, I would have been emotionally "stuck" for an extended period of time - years, most likely.  A period of detachment was essential because it allowed my emotions to reorganize and prepare for the future vs. obsessing about the past.

My wife and I continued to live together for months after we separated.  That was very unhealthy, especially for me, the spouse being left.  After she had been moved out for a few months I was able to detach enough to offer her a place to stay when she really needed it.  So, in my experience the detachment phase wasn't all that long, less than a year, but it was essential to my mental health.

I'm sure you have more than your fair share of dark days, but based on what you post here, you seem to be doing relatively well.  Let's just hope your husband stays employed...

JK,

My sons were 9 and 10yo when my ex came out. To her credit one thing she DIDNT do was try to take the kids off me. Right from the outset she said we would co-parent our sons 50/50. As much as it hurt me to separate from them for ANY period of time having them 50/50 was the best possible outcome and I was grateful for that.

The thing that kept my relationship with my ex 'civil' and co-operative from the start was that a counsellor begged us to ALWAYS put our boys best interests first. It was in their best interest to always love and respect their mum and dad. To that end we promised to NEVER bad-mouth each other in front of the boys or do anything to deliberately fracture each other's relationship with them.

I think it was pretty obvious that I didn't approve of my ex-wife's choices and that she hurt me deeply but I never told my sons that she is a 'bad person' or stupid or any other such negative descriptor. I only ever said that she's a person making choices and I always believed that one day they would be old enough to make up their own minds about her actions and behaviour.

So... long story short... your life will be a LOT easier if you are a cooperative co-parent. Parents who use their kids as pawns in a vengeful game are making a HUGE mistake and do their kids a massive disservice.

I can't give you any better advice than to treat each other respectfully in front of the children. As much as it may irk you always remember that they love you both and don't want to see either of you sad or angry or fearful or in pain. It takes some good acting sometimes but do it for them.

When you get your ex in private... say whatever you like