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1 - Sue
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Very sad tonight and reaching out
Today is the one year anniversary of the day my husband moved out of the house. It was one of the most painful days of my life. I feel like a year later I should be getting over this, but we are still right in the middle of a nasty, nasty divorce, so the crap and the bullshit and the pain go on and on.
This weekend he and his boyfriend took the kids to a nearby island on the exact trip we took as a family in September prior to the break up.
The guy I was dating "just isn't feeling it." He was the one fun point in everything.
I have to go to work tomorrow, and while I am grateful I finally have a job, it is very hard to give up being a SAHM.
I miss my kids, but when they are with me, I will admit, somewhat ashamedly, I am overwhelmed.
I came so far out of depression and grief and feel as if I am now moving backward.
I have to sit in on court-agreed parenting meetings where we learn to work together as parents, a problem we never had until my ex went apeshit crazy and came out of the closet. He has changed from a kind, easy-going person to an aggressive, gas lighting liar. I end up in tears at the end of the meetings. He calls that "emotionally hijacking the meetings." I find it hard to keep the tears from flowing when he is hell bent on talking about what a horrible, crazy mother I am. The entire divorce is my fault. He is bi, so that justifies being with me for so long. He just happens to be with a guy now. It could have been a woman. Anything to get away from me. And funnily enough, all the things that drove him away (and there are a litany) -- he never mentioned ONCE as issues while we were married. While he's a good parent for lying for 20 years, leaving us with little warning, meeting a guy at a party 6 weeks later who was there with his husband, breaking up that relationship, introducing my kids to him and then moving in with him four months later. Try not to laugh, but my GIDSTBX is a physician and his boyfriend is a psychologist. So they know everything and make every decision regarding the kids without any input from me. These meetings are a waste of my time, because my narcissistic crazy ex pretty much does whatever he wants, regardless. And sitting in the same room with him makes me want to throw up and/or punch his lying ass.
My husband keeps draining our bank account so I have no money. Then blames it on me overspending.
My life is like something out of a soap opera. Just 18 months ago it was like Leave it to Beaver. I feel such a sense o failure, exhaustion, and pain. I'm in therapy. I take meds. But this TGT just SUCKS.
Thanks for letting me vent. If any of you have felt at the end of rope at multiple points in the divorce process, please chime in. I could use the support and perspective.
Thanks.
Last edited by Sue (September 11, 2016 7:30 pm)
"You want a man who messes up your lipstick, not your mascara."
- CES
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Re: Very sad tonight and reaching out
I don't have any experience with divorce, but wanted to say sorry that you're going through this. It's not fair, and no one deserves that kind of crap. Hoping that you have someone close to give you a hug tonight (even if it's one of the kids).
- Rob
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Re: Very sad tonight and reaching out
So sorry Sue. Sunday nights are the worst...it's like we have to get ready to put on boxing gloves on monday to do battle not just with the world but with the ex and their warped reality.
You know my story.almost 2 years of hell..most of that divorcing.
Most of it in the same house as my ex who only knew how to rage and scream.
I cried in our one parenting meeting as the lies spewed forth from her. Once I knew she would lie and rewrite reality and the past (you didn't raise the kids I did...huh but I was there next to you) I decided I would let my lawyer handle everything. ..this further pissed her off but at that point everything did anyway.
Ask your lawyer what you should say in those meetings ..she'll probably say just state what parenting arrangement you want and that's it..otherwise walk out?
One of the other reasons I did not move out was we had no parenting arrangement in place..she was constantly threatening to take the kids and I would never see them again. While she couldn't legally do that she could physically do it..and she was mean enough to do so..but I would not leave my home or the kids.. this just piled on the rage and abuse from which I'm still shaking from.
I think your doing all you can do with your support system. It takes a bus load of faith and stength..some days are better than others..Sunday nights I found just hard. Just remember it's a season. A valley. You have to go through it..my valley was long because my ex needed to learn how a divorce worked. Sounds like yours does also.
I got through it..barely. still adjusting to divorced life and missing the kids. Lots of PTSD.
A warm e-hug for strength and courage.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- Dee
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Re: Very sad tonight and reaching out
So sorry Sue, it just sucks, and it hurts so bad, and I cry when I get SO angry, especially at my ex. My kids were older, so didn't have that dynamic, but I remember my attorney told me , and he's a guy, after a pre court meeting with him, " Wow, I can see now why you get so upset when you are around him, he's infuriating." Yep, and a horrible human being. Sending you hugs. Your kids know who the stable parent is, don't worry.
- Dixie
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Re: Very sad tonight and reaching out
How long must those parenting meetings continue? Is there any way you can say next to nothing, imply agreement and just be done with them? Hey, he did plenty of lying, so it seems fair somehow. He is going to parent his way and you will do the same. Those meetings just sound hideous and abusive and a complete sham. Try not to feed his ego by attempting to truly discuss your views and feelings. Save that for a safe audience, such as your personal therapist. Go as grey rock as you can. Hugs to you. I know this is all truly awful, but you will be okay. You just need to survive the divorce so you can move on with as little contact as one can with kids. Not to sound like Pollyanna, but you are actually doing great ... it just doesnt feel like it in your heart yet. Hug your kids ... they are the reason you can and will be strong.
- Kel
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Re: Very sad tonight and reaching out
I find myself supremely angry on your behalf, Sue. I don't see how a parenting meeting has any room whatsoever in it for talk about how crazy you are - it's supposed to be about the kids, and how to make decisions for them, correct? Is there a mediator in these meetings? If so, how are THEY letting these meetings be hijacked to be about your supposed horribleness or your former wifely duties? And is his partner in these meetings? He shouldn't be.
What sort of things are talked about? Are they actual decisions being made in the meeting? What kind? Can you give a few examples, so I know better how to counsel you?
I think to his accusation of you emotionally hijacking the meeting, I'd say something along the lines of "I hardly think involuntarily being upset is a controlling behavior. And I'm not sure what difference it makes, anyway - you clearly aren't moved by it. So just ignore it!"
I'm sorry you're going through this. It sounds really harsh.
Kel
Last edited by Kel (September 13, 2016 10:32 am)
You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
- Kel
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Re: Very sad tonight and reaching out
I forgot that I wanted to address the bank account. What's your current marital status - separated? You should not be having joint bank accounts at this point. Is this money (from him) only for child support, or is it also for paying for the home? Also, do you live in the U.S.?
Kel
You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
- MsDevistated15
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Re: Very sad tonight and reaching out
HUGS SUE.... I'm new to this board and this world of GBI or whatever they want to be called.
You husband sounds like the same exact thing my husband will do.
I pray you feel better, I have learned to called this an Unrepairable Wreck.
- Judy
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Re: Very sad tonight and reaching out
Yeah, I'm "crazy" as well. Who is the victim here? We are. My narcissist cruel husband had his Gay cyber and otherwise lover call me up to spill the beans the night I saved hubby's life and had been up all night in a hospital to do it. I came home and my cell rang and guess who told me "he and I love each other... and he's not answering any of my email - is he okay?" in a very hysterical way. I'm crazy because I wanted a sex life and a marriage with him when everybody knows married people don't have sex and cheating isn't any big deal. "What do you want from me" became a chant. Secret pre-paid cell phones and lie after lie. I don't think he can tell the truth. Then FOCK YOU when I kept asking him anything to do with sexual preference and who this man was. I was dirt compared to the man he cares for. I could have moved out and he wouldn't have even noticed. He paid NO attention to me for decades. The thing is, I believe I am better off. He's been gone 6 months and this house is peaceful and wonderful. I'm just angry I spent a lifetime with this awful neglectful and abusive man. SECRETS are deadly. I think I am on a hair trigger for anyone who lies to me. They will be history much quicker than 46 years. OH YEAH, one last thing. My hubby's male lover is in a long term marriage with a straight wife! And she has no clue.....
Last edited by Judy (September 29, 2016 4:31 am)
- Rob
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Re: Very sad tonight and reaching out
Judy,
You sound like you're on your way..to peace and solace from these liars.
Your punch line about the lover being married does not surprise me..my lezexs girlfriend was married..may be divorced now...with kids. They are all home wreckers. How they can believe anything they say to each other is beyond me..
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7