Oh SS1979, I am just so sorry for how awful this is for you. My husband is not transitioning, but he is GID, although he identifies as Bi—and maybe always will. And only he has the right to define himself, right—but I learned after almost 30 years together that he has sought men within a year of our getting engaged and then throughout our marriage. This information has come out little by little so the the picture is frequently changing for me and I do not always understand what reality is, and he will not share and gets angry when I ask him to be honest.

I do not mean to have emphasized my own story except to be able to say to you that although I do not understand your exact feelings and experiences, I do understand how weird it all is, how mixed and how overwhelming all the feelings are. The grief and anger and betrayal and isolation. And also this weird still in love with this person,  but this person is not actually who I thought they were but they keep telling me they love me and that I should love them just for who they are. But what it is in it for me? 

And then to battle those feelings sometimes of selfishness and guilt and compassion and obligation. And there this person still is—right with me in the same house—and also seeking me out for connection—but he is just not who I thought he was but I still see him and am moved toward him but have to stop those feelings.

And worry for our children and their future.

And to also know that our spouses do not really love us for us but for what we can do for them.  But they still kind of are who they were, and the cognitive dissonance for us is overwhelming.

The shock and trauma of it all—and it is ongoing daily trauma. And it takes an enormous physical toll on us. And assaults daily our sense of reality. And yet we are supposed to make decisions in this difficult, isolated,  traumatized state. And meanwhile continue to take care of daily needs and caring for our children, work, and other life obligations while no one knows what we are going through and why we are having trouble following through—and that goes on without reason for so long that we start to wonder how people perceive  us—at least I do—will coworkers trust me anymore? Do my children remember me as the mom who does not follow through?  Do my friends wonder why I am not reaching out to them? The repercussions are big and real and hidden.

And then it goes deeper:  like I think, I have been like this now for more than a year. Maybe I really am now this person I never was before. The loss of myself is extraordinary. I do not even have anything t interesting to say to anyone anymore because this is all I think about. And if someone were to really talk with me I would have to be so superficial. This Superficiality is especially awful with my children who are teens and adults. I am so angry about how this has affected my relationship with them just during this year-plus of trauma, while their dad is now turning on the charm with them—though he used to be unkind to them and uninvolved. So now will they remember his charade as the good dad and me as the bad mom?

In my case there is an added layer of my husband’s habitual blameshifting and never taking responsibility for the hurt he has caused. He justifies everything and often justifies it specifically saying basically I deserve it. He says he wants to rebuild, and yet if I ever ask him to listen to me, he attacks me as being so awful in so many ways. And then I feel so angry and wonder if I really am awful.

I guess we all could go on and on.

Just so you know you are not alone. That I feel you so much and felt so sad reading your post. I have been avoiding posting on the SSN boards the last few days because although the support here is awesome, and it helps me to write my feelings out here so I can process them—the processing sometimes gets in the way of acting on important life needs including my decisions. But I have been reading, and your post here was just so heart wrenching. Please take care of yourself.

Last edited by OnMyOwnTwoFeet (July 19, 2019 1:05 pm)

ADSJ:

I know we have a religion thread going elsewhere, but I was just hit strongly by your recounting the story of the man who cut off his arm. I have visited these geographical areas and remember the real life event before the movie, so that is a personally connected symbol for me.  Tonight, though, when I read your post about it, I remembered clearly something I had forgotten: an evening earlier this year when I was reading from the New Testament with my teens, and we read Marthew 5:29-30, and as I read it, I knew these words were giving voice to resolving the conflict I felt inside.  I am not saying this is what these words mean for everyone; just that for me, at that moment, the idea of cutting off a limb to save myself resonated in my deepest self.

There are similar versions of the same thought in other NTGospels, which I of course looked up.  :-)  I like the one in Matthew 18 the best, because it includes the idea of wanting to hold onto something that is an integral part of you, but that has hurt you and is continuing to hurt you even more the longer you keep it—it is actually destroying you. 

Because “destroyed” is definitely how I have felt.  Not me at all anymore.  Consumed.

I assume that whether a reader is religious or not, the literary symbolism is valuable?

Matthew 18:7-8
Woe unto the world because of offences! for it must needs be that offences come; but woe to that man by whom the offence cometh!Wherefore if thy hand or thy foot offend thee, cut them off, and cast them from thee: it is better for thee to enter into life halt or maimed, rather than having two hands or two feet to be cast into everlasting fire.

Last edited by OnMyOwnTwoFeet (July 20, 2019 6:54 am)

Lily, that is horrible that he was mocking you with someone else.  I am sorry for this betrayal. It is things like this—where we see our partners showing that they really do not care for us—that help us to propel ourselves out of the marriage.  Sometimes understanding this is incredibly hard.  Partly it is hard because we are still seeing the “real” as the smallish new maybe thing, and the “fake” as the thing we know and have believed for so many years.

Duality.  Cognitive dissonance.

I have finally realized that this very cognitive dissonance is itself the biggest indicator: a healthy relationship should not be confusing, and especially not at this level!  The cognitive dissonance itself has just been killing me. 

In my case, the cognitive dissonance usually includes the blameshifting making everything my fault, and this is so destructive.

On Chumplady recently a random comment hit me, someone paraphrased a therapist named Patrick Doyle saying, consistent confusion in a relationship is usually a sign of manipulation.

Lately I keep remembering how one evening I was weeping on our bed, not really even saying anything to him, and my husband (by then seeking counseling at my urging) passed by me impatient and exasperated. saying, “well I guess you can just keep suffering for suffering’s sake, but I am working to grow and be a better person, and you just resent me for that!”

Last edited by OnMyOwnTwoFeet (July 20, 2019 7:14 am)