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July 1, 2019 8:27 pm  #1


Stages of Grief

Denial
They say this is the first stage of grief. Avoidance Confusion Elation Shock Fear 
Avoidance:  I avoid his appearance by taking down all the photos of us together, i would take them all down but the family nes I dont want to hurt my daughter. I have confusion because my whole marriage and relationship with my husband with regards to this has been confusion. He started out saying that he was a cross dresser because of what his step father did to him via molestation. Now here we are and he says he was like that before it happened. But, he managed to get two sets of shrinks to believe each of his personal theories. Shock is anytime he is out with me and his attire and my fear is that it will get worse 

Anger
I am angry at him the most right now. I am angry that if he knew he strung me along for twenty years with this. I am angry he tricked me into getting pregnant when i signed divorce papers in 2013 and had met a "normal" guy and could have been happy with him. I am angry that and dont get this wrong I NEED this support group. I am angry that i lost my husband despite his saying we all just need to get over our fears or disgust or whatevef it is and accept him as he is the same inside just a new shell. I am angry that i dont have anyone and feel lonely. I am angry that he thinks he is doing me a favor by letting me be with other men upon which i had to separate from him even though we live together as i could never be with other men not separated but cant think of doing that now. I am angry that I had a weak moment and had a one night stand with a friend of mine whom i thought we shared mutual respect and again I am used. I am mad that he is so damn happy now and I am miserable. I am angry that he didnt even try antidepressans or antianxiety medicaitons to see if this fixed his issues without going right to hormones. 

Bargaining:  I pray a lot does that count as bargaining 

Depression:  I am surely depressed and what I have been on for years doesnt work. I dont want to work. I dont want to do anything im involved in; I just want to do the bare minimum because with being so lonely all the time I have no energy, nothing has the meaning is use to 

I AM NO WHERE NEAR ACCEPTANC 
 

 

July 1, 2019 10:38 pm  #2


Re: Stages of Grief

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Last edited by MJM017 (July 12, 2021 5:59 am)


No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 
 

July 2, 2019 6:26 am  #3


Re: Stages of Grief

MJM
My husband said his stepfather molested him. I believe him because we went through a long court case over it. But he had his shrinks believing he crossed dressed due to the abuse. Now 17 years later he made another shrink believe he was this way before the abuse and is transgender and she wrote him a letter so he could start hormones (six months before he told me he was on them)
I don’t know which one to believe but he says you think this is just a phase and it’s not. Well of course why wouldn’t I when he’s made two shrinks believe what he wants them to? I think it’s more the molestation. He never even tried antidepressants or anti anxiety to try to seenif that helps just straight to estrogen. Even found a shrink who he saught it as he said she’s off her rocker but I knew she’d write me a letter with no hesitation. I have put most of my photos away but the dress is where it was and my rings I wear just for work and social occasions as people don’t know we’re separated
I found a journal entry on his computer that spoke of texting his best friend all day begging to be taken out and do they went to the Applebee’s bar and he felt like he was on a date with his best friend. He’s a guy. So I want to confront this but don’t want to have him know I was spying on his computer. I am just so angry after 20 years I’m here in this spot

     Thread Starter
 

July 4, 2019 10:54 am  #4


Re: Stages of Grief

my trans husband thinks that 'this shouldn't effect my feelings for him because this is who he has always been inside'.  I've been partnered to this person for 20 years now.  I have NEVER suspected he was a 'she' - ever.  He is apparently still attracted to women, and finds it unreasonable that I am not attracted to him now that he has D cup breasts and his physical appearance is feminine.  

 

July 4, 2019 12:41 pm  #5


Re: Stages of Grief

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Last edited by MJM017 (July 12, 2021 6:00 am)


No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 
 

July 5, 2019 4:43 pm  #6


Re: Stages of Grief

wifeoftransgenderspouse wrote:

my trans husband thinks that 'this shouldn't effect my feelings for him because this is who he has always been inside'.  I've been partnered to this person for 20 years now.  I have NEVER suspected he was a 'she' - ever.  He is apparently still attracted to women, and finds it unreasonable that I am not attracted to him now that he has D cup breasts and his physical appearance is feminine.  

This is how my husband thinks

     Thread Starter
 

July 6, 2019 4:20 am  #7


Re: Stages of Grief

Dear Straight Spouse,

I can’t imagine how hard THAT is.  Seriously, so you are just supposed to join in and become a lesbian suddenly? You married a man!  And part of the attraction no doubt was his masculine qualities.  I mean really these people expect soooo much of us, in terms of understanding, sympathy and tolerance, but we get none.  It is angry making.  And MJM017, I was like you in that the only thing that really helps me is meditation and really wishing myself peace and happiness.  May I be happy and may I be at peace.   This is so key for me!

Lately it really struck home to me how much grief I was giving myself over my divorce and even now when GIDXH won’t communicate at all in a way that honours our long marriage and three children, I end up blaming myself for not being x, y or z.   And in my mind there is this endless conversation going on with him and I see how much of my energy this STILL is taking up in my mental arena.  Worse is that being raised in a Christian way where all the onus is on me to ‘turn the other cheek’ and be loving no matter what, I forgot to show myself the love I needed to heal.  The forgiveness I needed for my anger and rage at this unexpected betrayal and loss.  Just the kindness towards myself at how really difficult this situation is and really allowing the feelings to come up and ALLOW myself to just let go of them. 

So I urge really radical kindness to yourself here.  I try to really look inside at what I need.  And really try to give it to myself as I know that my GIDXH will never as he didn’t in 27 years, so why would he validate me or give praise or acknowledgement for what a great mom and wife I was despite massive problems, that I felt and suspected, but he did not admit. 

I recently found a great podcast called “The Adult Chair” and there was an episode on Empaths and how they feel FOR others and sometimes don’t really know who they are as they morph so much with those they love - poor boundaries - they really do feel the other person, and I felt it described so much of how I felt in my marriage....the hatred and the disgust he felt for himself spilled all over me at times.  And something else she mentioned was how many empaths have to go back and look at their lives and see if the feelings they had were theirs and sort through their lives reclaiming and recognizing the things that were not theirs.  I feel that is so true about my marriage.  I am looking back recognizing so many areas where I was just enabling everyone else’s life - and not really owning how I felt - unhappy and lonely often.  And now I have a chance to truly heal my own dysfunctions in these areas so that I can move forward happily. 

Wishing us all happiness and peace within....that’s where it is workable.  These GID spouses are hopeless black holes stealing our vitality with every thought we give them.....

Last edited by Leah (July 26, 2019 8:51 pm)

 

July 16, 2019 6:06 am  #8


Re: Stages of Grief

AngelFef,

Acceptance is a strong or,wrong word.  I likened it to a pipe bursting in my home..  I can beat myself up for not taking care of my pipes,  I can try to deny that it burst, but the reality is I need to get it fixed.

I also think the denial is really cognitive dissonance..our mind
trying to make sense of something that is so foreign to us it must not be true.   And TGT is foreign..it is not normal..and these spouses acting or screaming that it is does not make it normal.

Cut yourself a break and do not feel bad..acceptance is more about dealing with the real reality of what is happening and less about giving up.

Last edited by Rob (July 16, 2019 6:07 am)


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

July 16, 2019 3:44 pm  #9


Re: Stages of Grief

It's important to understand that each person goes through the grieving process in different ways.  Those are certainly the stages of grief, but not everyone goes through them 1-2-3-4, etc..  Some take a step forward and then two back and others start in a different stage and move through differently.  Many people go through a stage and then revisit it in a different capacity later. 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

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