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1 of 1- Joyfulinga
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Shoe is on the other foot
I discovered my husband was talking to and meeting guys from Craigslist Personal ads. He is a massage therapist and swore he was only looking for people to "switch off massages" with. I finally collected the evidence needed to confront him. I am still here but he has his own room. That was in January 2018.
I confided in a handful of people. One couple are good friends of ours from church. They proceeded to tell me to give him another chance, forgive him, etc. I told them it's not like he had an affair. He is attracted to men and I'm not a man.
Yesterday their daughter found out her husband has been engaged in similar activity. Pictures in texts, lots of porn and such. Well they want to hang him from the highest tree. He is a louse, deceitful person and defrauded their daughter. She asked if I could speak with their daughter. I'm more than a little pissed about the situation. Funny how I seemed to be making too much out of my husbands escapades but their son-in-laws in terrible. I am going to talk to them at some point because I am really angry.
I am thinking more and more of divorce. I am 57 and don't want to spend the rest of my life without the love and affection of a man who is attracted to me. I am not good at confrontation of any kind which is not a good thing
- Daryl
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Re: Shoe is on the other foot
First of all, anyone who suggests "it's not like..." isn't helping you. Maybe they're trying not to take sides or think they're helping buy they are minimizing and invalidating your position. If YOU think it's infidelity and crosses the line, IT DOES.
Since they asked you to speak to their daughter, perhaps that's a tacit admission that they have realized they are out of their area of expertise? I would do what I can for this young lady. Point them towards SSN if they need it. You're walking the same road, you have understanding they do not.
I don't think you need to be confrontational about it but there may come an opportunity when you can honestly talk to them about this. Who knows, they might even apologize now that they have a closer view of the situation.
Last edited by Daryl (July 14, 2019 10:23 am)
“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
- a_dads_straight_journey
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Re: Shoe is on the other foot
Joyfulinga, yes it’s quite something when others haven’t experienced it...it’s the social message that abdicates them of the cause their homosexuality, but then that abdication is extended to their responsibility for their dishonesty and deceit, whether they cheat or not, their denial upends the foundation of the social contract of marriage. It’s a conflation that our society grants them until one has to live it. I have found no one other than those on this forum that get that conflation. Many, if not most of us, here have experienced that anger you describe. Your friends now get it, so to Daryl’s point you don’t need to be confrontational, but you can point out this conflation.
Regarding divorce, most of us recommend you do your homework alone in how it works and what it means for you, before you broach the subject with your husband. In these situations many have found the STBX is already more prepared than the straight spouse.
Regarding confrontation, yes, that’s part of how many of us got in these marriages in the first place if we sensed something was off. Accommodating to a fault.
Wishing you the best on this journey...
ADSJ
Last edited by a_dads_straight_journey (July 14, 2019 2:31 pm)
- OutofHisCloset
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Re: Shoe is on the other foot
Ah, yes. The "homophobia made him do it" get-out-of-blame-free card. People don't see the difference between hiding in a closet, which they understand as a reasonable response to homophobia and discrimination, and duping and defrauding another person into marrying, and then manipulating and gaslighting the spouse while carrying on a secret life, one that can endanger the health of the unsuspecting spouse. One person, well meaning and sympathetic, said to me, "At least now people don't need to hide," as if I could take comfort in knowing other women wouldn't be hurt the way I was. As if all closeted men were closeted only because of social pressures, and not out of a conscious decision to enjoy the perks and lifestyle available to a heterosexual couple. As if his having married me was just part of the hiding, and I should blame it on society, while thinking of my spouse as a victim, thereby neatly suggesting that both I and my spouse are equally victims in it together, shoulder-to-shoulder. Sorry, but my spouse decided, over and over again, in many ways, to deceive me and to keep secrets from me.
For what it's worth, I don't think most people think much beyond, "Oh, poor man/woman, forced to hide in a closet all these years." Most people simply don't think deeply about things that do not apply to them. But now that this couple is in a situation in which this thing does apply to them, they are able to see the situation from our perspective and be suitably outraged about that deception and the pain that deception causes. That they can, and are, means that they are more likely to be sympathetic now to your position.
If you decide to speak to their daughter, I think it's entirely appropriate for you to tell them you will speak to their daughter because you know how painful the experience is--which includes the kind of unysmpathetic response like the one they earlier gave to you.
Last edited by OutofHisCloset (July 14, 2019 2:54 pm)
- lily
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Re: Shoe is on the other foot
Just a thought, but do you think this couple might end up being good allies when it comes to achieving a divorce?
It can be an absolute nightmare getting through the divorce process, and it sounds like they have come down on their daughter's side so it will help them view your situation more sympathetically.
You have every right to feel angry with them if they don't end up acknowledging their advice to you was unsympathetic but hopefully they will.
Do you think it is possible your husband had already talked to them before you did that first time? I ask because I slowly discovered that my ex had talked to all of our friends before I had even thought to talk to any of them and he started with my friends first.
Being angry is good and to be respected, it helps you get things done and you don't have to be confrontational with it any more than you want to be. My advice is to trust yourself at all times.
wishing you all the best, Lily
lily wrote:- MJM017
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Re: Shoe is on the other foot
Joyfulinga, Am sorry this happened to you. It's not fair at all.
The couple was not personally effected by your discovery. You don't quite get the enormity of a bad situation until it happens to you.
This is another idea, especially if you live in the US in a no-fault, community property state and go through with a divorce -- do you need to tell him why? People fall out of love, get tired of the marriage, etc You won't get a bigger financial award if he's gay or straight, cheating or not cheating. It's all the same.
I did get good and angry. It pushed me to end the horrible marriage. Lily is correct in being true to yourself. I wish I had. I would have been a lady who had annulled a marriage to a gay man within a month of the wedding day. I had a miserable long-term marriage instead.
Good luck to you. Hope it all works out so you can enjoy your life with love in it!
No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa
- walkbymyself
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Re: Shoe is on the other foot
Joy: I would be furious in your position. But, as angry as I would be with the couple .... their daughter may be in shock and pain. If you are in a position to reach out to her, then I would think you don’t really need to deal with her parents at all.