OurPath Open Forum
This forum is for discussion of issues related to Mixed Orientation relationships only, that is when one partner is heterosexual (straight) and one is Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender or Questioning.
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* As a peer-to-peer network, any advice given is that of a peer, based on personal experience, and should not be considered professional in nature.
* Any discussion of LGBT related issues is acceptable provided it remains constructive and respectful of other viewpoints. Hateful, degrading, or prejudiced speech and/or personal attacks will not be tolerated.
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- Dee
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Re: I am so nauseated, cold and angry
We would absolutely tell you to get out as fast as possible, and do not have sex with this man again. We have people here who have gotten std's, and even HIV. Your health and welfare is at stake. We see ourselves in you, and we know how this is going to end, trust us on that. What would you tell your sister or best friend if they came to you with this story?? Step back and get out just like whatasham advised. You are worth so much more.
- Dixie
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Re: I am so nauseated, cold and angry
This is not a question of redemption. It is a lack of compatibility. You now know your fiance desires sex with transgenders. This does not make him or them bad people ... just incompatible marriage partners for you. No amount of counseling or bargaining can change who he desires as a sex partner ... he can only hold that beach ball underwater for so long. If you love him, you need to let him be free to be his full true self. And if you love yourself, and I hope you do, you need to find someone who will freely and openly love you and only you with no lies or suppression of inner unmet desires.
- Abby
- Unregistered
Re: I am so nauseated, cold and angry
It is not necessary to buy a house: just find a place to stay so you can get your bearings again. Renting is better than buying because it gives you time to sort out what you want and where you want it. A house can be a very expensive mistake if you have not been able to take the time to be sure that you can afford it and that you are not going to want to relocate in the near future.
- Daisyduke
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Re: I am so nauseated, cold and angry
I appreciate the responses from each of you. What I didn't share is that this would be our second marriage and we both have a teenaged boy. My fiancé doesn't want me to tell the boys, just him telling them that he can't give me what I deserve and I deserve so much more and that he doesn't love me the way a man who is getting married should.....I guess he has more sense than I do.
The boys want to know the reason for the split and I've said they are not old enough and I will tell them when they are older because I just don't know what to say. Guess what? They are pondering if it's because he's gay!
This man is so far from anything I would have described as gay, he's into all the guy activities (hunts, fishes, hikes) and very masculine.
I feel like the world is insane, mine is.
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Thread Starter- Dee
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Re: I am so nauseated, cold and angry
Tell your son is wasn't a healthy relationship for you, end of story. He can worry about what he tells his son. Lots of us have spent decades with closeted gay men who were masculine and liked to hunt and fish, it means nothing.
- Daisyduke
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Re: I am so nauseated, cold and angry
And I am hearing to get moved out quickly. I am looking. For a place. I don't want to move tho. We have a beautiful home together but you are all right. I cannot live in this goopy toxic place.
I am sorry but I don't agree that there is nothing wrong with transgenderedness. I think there is something deeply disturbing with a half this and half that.
He seems so lost and small to me now. I looked at him yesterday and his 6'4" frame looked diminutive and he seemed so childish. I'm very judgmental and super disgusted by this man right now.
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Thread Starter- Abby
- Unregistered
Re: I am so nauseated, cold and angry
If that is what it takes to get you to leave him then so be it. Longterm though don't hold onto the anger because it will hurt you not him. Whatever he is he isn't for you.
- WendiT
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Re: I am so nauseated, cold and angry
Daisyduke wrote:
They are pondering if it's because he's gay!
Your kids are seeing what he is loud and clear. They already know what is going on to some extent. Since they are sensing the truth, it will be easier to talk to them when you are ready.
By leaving you are teaching them how to not become a victim. You are teaching them that it is okay to leave a relationship that is not right for you. Change is hard and you are teaching them that if things are not working out, sometimes change and moving on is the healthiest thing you can do.
"No matter how hard the journey may be, remember to be kind to yourself..."
- Judy
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Re: I am so nauseated, cold and angry
Get out of this endless downward spiral and continuous loop. I did that for decades and there is no point. You can't think clearly when you're in it and if you love him, you will get into false hope and what most of us have experienced for years/decades with the same outcome as if you vacated the relationship immediately. Shock - horror - horrible pain and then clarity seeps in and starts to sort it all out for you. Day by day, it will get better. I am only six months into this and I raged every night before bed until lately when I noticed I do have a clear path ahead and I am in control of my own way to get there. I am safe and much better off living an authentic life alone. I searched and searched for someone who had been through this. No counseling helped. This website and the support here did. I needed desperately to know there were others that had gone through this and I wasn't alone. It was all so freaky to me. We are all here for you and support you. Once you don't live with him anymore, things will greatly improve. Dig deep. The strength is there to get through this. I can tell by your posts you are on the same road behind me and you are stronger than you imagine at this point. - Judy
Last edited by Judy (September 11, 2016 4:00 pm)
- Daisyduke
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Re: I am so nauseated, cold and angry
Tonight my fiancé came home from hunting. I put an offer on a house <please God let me get this house> and I took advise from people here. 1. I told him I was trying to move out quickly. 2. I told him we shouldn't sleep in the same bed. 3. I told him we needed to stop having sex. 4. I told him that I did share with a couple friends bc I can't keep this a secret.
He called me weak, a liar for breaking a promise (I actually did not tell him I would keep this secret) he stated he wasn't gay and he told me my moving out was basically my problem and he'd "see about helping me get moved and resettled". He was drunk again and he seems to have simply thrown in the towel on caring.
I've never seen this kind of hostility from him, I feel shocked by it. I'm really hurt that he's being unkind towards me. I've lost a fabulous best friend.
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Thread Starter