HeyJupiter wrote:

Oh, so my question or aspect of MOMs I’m curious about is that MOMs seem to also include sex between straight spouse and gay partner....So, just curious how gay partners continue to have sex with straight partners. 

Hi, HeyJupiter...

I've heard another woman in an MOM describe her husband as "one wife short of gay." In our situation, my husband has plenty of desire for me, but then again we always said it was our brains that fell in love with each other. I always fell for my gay best friends, so when one of them actually fell for me, it was like hitting the jackpot. We've always incorporated gay imagery and culture into our lives (porn, erotica, movies, drag shows, LGBT pride events, etc.) including the bedroom, which I'm sure has been part of why he's been able to come to terms with his sexuality.

But I'm certain that if you asked 10 different couples, you'd get 10 different answers. I think keeping the physical spark alive between two people over the long term can be a challenge even without mixed orientations, and I'd suggest using similar methods: schedule your "date" night (meaning, plan to have sex at least a few days out), tease and touch each other a lot leading up to it, have lots of tools in your toolbox (meaning, be willing to try different things... mutual masturbation, different positions, oral sex, taking turns picking the porn, power exchange, roleplaying, pegging, having sex in different places in your house, incorporating food play or just feeding each other, withholding, and so forth), and don't be afraid to try a little adult recreational materials -- booze or weed -- to lower inhibitions, especially if it's been a while since you both got it on with each other.  All those are things that people of all orientations do!

If you are in a good place communication-wise, maybe set aside some time (when you are NOT specifically getting sexy, but in an intimate and comfortable place, maybe during cuddling and pillowtalk at the end of the day) to share each others fantasies and desires. Remember, the biggest sex organ is between your ears! Being open and willing to trying new things is great for any relationship, but finding yourself in an unexpected MOM might be putting some things onto your radar for the first time (leather play, anal play, bondage, pain play... these things are of course not at all limited to gay/bi people, but in my experience gay/bi men, especially those who have been doing their best to keep their desires stuffed into a closet for most of their lives, might be particularly fascinated and curious about these practices). Keeping an open mind and educating yourself about things that he shares with you, especially if you were raised to believe they had some kind of arbitrary negative moral value assigned to them, could be a challenge... asking him to go S-L-O-W-L-Y with you is really important. If he can trust you not to freak out about, say, him wearing a butt plug during sex, then he's going to be a LOT less likely to feel like he has to protect you by sneaking around to get his other desires fulfilled. 

And of course YOUR needs and desires matter JUST as much as his! Definitely get that little blue pill on board ASAP. Take turns focusing on each other's pleasure (one Saturday night is your turn, the next week is his, for example). As one of my counselors told me, you cannot overshare with this stuff! Getting to a place that you can freely talk about what you want to try with each other, even if it's something you can't do right now, is key. There is nothing inherently different about gay/bi sex and straight sex... we are all just trying to have orgasms, and we all take pleasure in helping our beloved partners have their own orgasms. Take the social/cultural/religious judgements out of the picture, and just focus on having fun with your sweetie!

I hope you both have a great time learning how to please each other again. Good luck and let us know how you're doing!

Brian's Girl wrote:

Hello Everyone!!

BG....hello! I'm so pleased you're happy with the path you've chosen. It's great that you are sharing it with the forum.

Every person this touches will tackle it differently and I must admit I wouldn't be as understanding and accepting as you. I admire your strength......Ellexoh