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1 of 1- Dixiepixie
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He is in denial
Background- married four years, together five. Him 56, me 51
During dating our sex life was good, lots of kissing, intimacy, very interested in pleasing me.
He's always had some anger issues since like the third week of marriage. Really nasty stuff said to me when I would call him out on his actions. Stuff that cut to the bone. Looking at it all now I'm sure the anger comes from now being able to accept who he truly is.
Intimacy began to trickle the first year. I brought it up several times, including the fact he never kisses me with tongue. He would always say, oh, I'm sorry I didn't realize I hadn't been doing that. We moved, he got sick and needed some heavy duty surgery. After that and recovery sex didn't pick up and I confronted him again, still nothing. In October of 2018 we separated because he screamed in my face he didn't want to kiss me and had an anger episode. We stayed separated until February and he was doing all the right things to try to get me back. We are both Christians and that's important to us. He had previously disclosed his father molested him. I knew he had his sister as well. I was molested too as a child but have healed from that somewhat. He told me some terrible things that his dad made him to while we were separated, and I forgave him for not being honest, but he told me he was ready to be intimate and meet my needs. He did twice. He hasn't touched me since January- when he had asked me to use a toy to stimulate his prostate, which I did.
He has asked me to pleasure him and I did but he has never reciprocated. A month ago I told him I wasn't willing to live like that and that he was pushing me to an affair. Still nothing. He's been in two anger programs, and we have done marriage counseling. The marriage counselor suggested we schedule intimacy, so we did, and he agreed. The first night he said "Oh, is that tonight?"
I had a job interview back in my hometown and I was offered it. And I am leaving. I was trying to suggest he follow me later and he confronted me. I brought up the intimacy in our marriage, as the reason I want out. I told him he needed to quit insulting my intelligence and that I am sorry he cannot admit to himself who he truly is but that he has led me through this sham of a marriage for long enough. He still continued to say that he wants me. I said there is no effort behind your words ever.
I think he cannot accept who he truly is due to his Christian faith. For so many years I thought it was my fault, but I know that it isn't. It's just so sad. Although I'm excited about starting over and my new opportunity, I have moments of incredible sadness. I didn't want a divorce, but I see no other option. Yes, he has been checked out medically and there is nothing wrong with him being able to perform.
Tell me it gets better????
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: He is in denial
Yes it gets better. Individually we all have a timeline in this, and it gets better, we get stronger as we move through it
Offered a job? Fantastic! Keep your chin up and your eyes forward.
You sound like you already know life can...Will be....better
KIA KAHA
- Dixiepixie
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Re: He is in denial
Yes, but I'm just struggling today, the lies, the anger......none of this had to happen this way.
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Thread Starter- OutofHisCloset
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Re: He is in denial
I also found difficult the fact that, as you say, "none of it had to happen this way," but with time I have come to see that we can only control ourselves. What our partners do or don't do is not something we can control. We can see so many other, better possibilities--face who they are, act with integrity, be honest with us, initiate communication--or even engage in it when we initiate it--but for whatever reason they do what they do and don't do what they don't. They leave us holding the bag, forcing us to be the ones who have to make the hard decisions. At any rate, you could change all those plural first person pronouns into singular ones and it would describe my experience.
I think that part of what hurts so tremendously is the knowledge that in order not to act they are willing to lose us. For so many closeted, in denial spouses, I think they must feel a secret relief that the marriage ends, so they are freed from the pressure it exerts on them, and are freed from us and what we represent. What they wanted from us is not what we wanted from them, and not what they led us to believe we were getting and they were giving. That many go on to re-marry a woman, or stay in their closets, says to me that once we are gone, a different pressure and panic starts up from another place, and they seek to contain it or hide it with another partner.
Last edited by OutofHisCloset (July 7, 2019 3:59 pm)
- OnMyOwnTwoFeet
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Re: He is in denial
OOHC: about that relief: I believe that when we finally end it, they are also freed from having to be be honest. They do not want to own what they have done. For them to end it requires taking responsibility. They will not do it.
- OutofHisCloset
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Re: He is in denial
OMOTF,
I completely agree. They will not take responsibility, period. They will not be honest. In a sense, that lets them off the hook. But I refuse to beat my head against that wall. As I said, we control only ourselves. And I could no longer subject myself to his intransigence and his refusal and his inability to be honest.
I would feel better if my closeted ex had actually stood up and said "This is who I am." At least I could feel he was honest in his authenticity, and I would have at least felt he was leaving for an honorable reason. But to lurk in his closet, taking his pleasure in hiding, and present his false front to the world? I find that abhorrent. As someone else on these boards said, they lived in a city known to be gay-friendly, so homophobia was no excuse. My ex works at a university where trans people are a protected class and a declaration of his trans-ness is would have be held up as brave. (In fact I was threatened with sanctions if I spoke about what had happened in my own life--not to disparage him, just to state the facts of my own life.) He has no reason to hide, other than the privileges and perks he derives from it, and his own pride at not passing as less than stunning woman. Yet he will not come out, he will not admit that he treated me abominably because of that, and he deludes himself that he need not come out to be authentic.
If my spouse were honest with me and others, and had not treated me as he did to protect his closet, I might be able to eventually come to engage with him again. We were married 35 years, after all. But I will not do anything to support his lie, and that means I cannot and will not.
Last edited by OutofHisCloset (July 7, 2019 7:01 pm)
- MJM017
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Re: He is in denial
.
Last edited by MJM017 (July 12, 2021 1:41 pm)
No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa
- Rob
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Re: He is in denial
I think their denial comforts them and lets them act morally right..ie you treated me horribly so i want a divorce...you deserve to be treated horribly, my cheating with the same sex is morally ok, you cheated (I'm still stumped with who on that one)... and on and on until they convince themselves that that is the truth. They need not own anything.
My GX to this day I think stays in the closet with only her few friends knowing the truth. Or maybe everyone knows...i dont care.
I/we cannot change this but we can get away and stay in real reality.
We can leave this sick fantasy land where hurt and breaking taboos are deemed ok.
I live in real reality now with morals I was raised with and believe in.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- Dixiepixie
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Re: He is in denial
Thanks to you all for your replies. He had told me people thought he was gay all his life due to his mannerisms, but that he was not.
I just didn't see it but I had a guy friend tell me it the first time he met him.
I have begged him to tell the truth. I even told him about a year ago that if he would just be honest we could work through whatever. He is still posting scripture every day on Facebook, but he is not fighting me on the divorce. I hope he can come to terms with this before he hurts someone else.
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Thread Starter