Welcome ... I’m so sorry you found yourself here.

I think you’re doing the right thing by taking the time to think about your situation. The first few months can be the hardest, I think. Your feelings may evolve over time.

I’m about 18 months into this nightmare. My husband was never honest with me; I stumbled across the truth by accident, and when I confronted him he acknowledged that he’d always known. So I think I had a lot more rage going on. In a way that might have made it easier.

Each story here is unique, although there are common themes. I don’t know how to survive — I’m not completely sure I am surviving at all.

Hello Where and Sad Dad,

I hate to sound like the voice of harshness, but falling out of love with your best friend starts by recognizing that they are NO longer your best friend. 

So here are my top tips that just reinforce what so many here have said and had to do:

1. Get space and limit contact
You have a past together that may have been fabulous, but sadly that is in the past.  As in OVER>>>FINISHED>>>>. This is painful and the difficulty that I still struggle with.  So many angry thoughts around how can it be that this person is just so unkind, indifferent to my pain?   I have to get a grip regularly on this, even now as it just doesn’t want to compute - the truth is he is not thinking of me - only himself and protecting his point of view and new choices that do not include me.  And Your spouse is not thinking of you in their journey now, so you need to start being very kind and compassionate TO YOURSELF!   And trying to excise them from your thoughts and daily life.  Not easy. 

2.  Don’t try to understand them!
The reasons they will give for doing what they are doing usually involve blaming YOU, saying it is your fault in some way.  And you can get caught in this for a long time - defending, discussing and generally being a kind and understanding person while they continue to blameshift and gaslight.  Just don’t do it.   THIS IS NOT OKAY.  So do yourself a favour and do not spend time trying to figure them out as they are very confused anyway.  Figure out how to move on without them.  Many waste sooo much time here in the vortex of THEIR confusion and pain only getting hurt and abused.

3.  Stop thinking they are your best friend!
Yes it is hard for you both, but really they are NO longer your best friend.  Even acquaintances treat you better than a poisonous person bent on justifying their decision to find a new life without you.  Find a new BFF.... lean on people you can trust.  Get a counsellor.  Talk to someone who can offer support for you. 

2,  Think of it like an addiction. 
You love your spouse, but truly they are bad for you now.  They don’t love you or consider your feelings.  You are craving what they once provided - love and comfort and a sense of being together and a life that was more about you both.  Now it is different and they are moving into another trajectory that DOES NOT INCLUDE YOU.  So this will only hurt you. The drug of love and togetherness is not going to give you what you want.  You are truly being left behind.  So like an addiction you will suffer withdrawal, you will want to regain the highs you used to have.  But sadly this addiction will only drain your energy and make you confused and weak.  Try to see them in a different light.  A friend who has betrayed you and is not very nice anymore.  Some relationships are best left.  This is one of them.  Hard though that is to hear.

4 Practice radical self care!
Really try to eat and sleep as well as possible.  See your Doctor if needed.  Depression, suicidal ideation and anxiety are almost normal at this stage.  Please PUT YOUR HEALTH MENTAL AND PHYSICAL AT THE TOP OF YOUR PRIORITIES - even above the children!  Because you cannot help them through this if you are so weak and ill that you cannot support them. 

Anyway I just get annoyed with the best friend thing as I was so convinced my GIDXH was mine too, but his callousness and cruelty to me convinced me otherwise over time.  I wish I could be more selfish and less nostalgic, but after so many years together it was so hard to see him as the person he is and was at the time.  Full of his pain at losing money in the divorce and his compliant beard.  None of it was about me and my needs as a human being, let alone a friend!  So sorry if I seem harsh, but I wish I would have listened to those here more clearly at the start and gotten my adult hat on and drawn a line on the relationship that protected my heart and finances.  I agreed to a poor settlement and was so reasonable.  My GIDXH is a lawyer and in hindsight I got screwed because I was too eager to seem fair and reasonable.  It is unbelievable now as I look back.  I was in the mindset that he would look after my interests too....hahahah that was a joke. 

So I urge you to go from this place of pain as quickly as possible to somewhere free of this toxic BFF!  Really slap yourself upside the head every time you think they are that.  NOOOOOooo   They are not.  Do not deceive yourself.  Past maybe, but no longer.  It is sad.  It is hard.  But it serves you in every way to not think of them with that lens.  I say this to myself as much as anyone as I still make this mistake and it is like getting burnt all over again.  Noooo. Not my friend.   Not even kind or anything.  Just a person I used to know.  It sucks.  I’m sorry for us all, but we have to be strong.  And move forward and away from a situation that is unhealthy for us.  My GIDXH still will hurt me given any opportunity - show that I am nothing to him.  I don’t exist in his eyes.  It is so painful and my only defence really is to try and remember he is not my friend and have ZERO expectations of kindness.  It is tough. 

Good luck

I'm just going to "ditto" Leah's post. It is spot on.

Where..... one thing we have found on these forums is that men generally do not come out as gay (not bi) until they meet someone they want to have an emotional as well as a physical relationship with. Only then do they openly admit their sexuality. Also, you know his weekend away to "sort things out" was (most likely) a weekend away with a new lover. It was a weekend to test the gay waters. One "sorts things out" alone not with a friend. It would also explain why he is anxious and angry about things proceeding so slowly.

So, how do you fall out of love with your "best friend?" As Leah said, stop thinking of them as your best friend. Start seeing them as they truly are. If a friend or sister (or a brother) came to you with the same story, what would you tell them? If, heaven forbid, your child was going through this, what would you say?

Remember, too, that while you were "all in" in this relationship, our spouses NEVER were. They were always holding something back. 

Really, go back and reread the end of Leah's post. We ALL came hear thinking our spouse was our best friend. We all had the love affair of the ages. I know I thought I did. However, like Leah's spouse, after 25+ years together in which I gave up my career to stay home and raise and educate our children so he could further his career, my spouse's only concern is how little ze can give me and our kids. Every time I am shown a bit of kindness and I start to drop my defenses, BAAAMMMMM!!!!!, I get hit with something else. And it would always surprise me and hurt me because it showed just how little I was/am valued. Best friends don't treat each other this way.

It is a long and difficult journey, but we do get through it.

Keep reading and posting here. We understand.

.
 

Last edited by MJM017 (July 12, 2021 6:03 am)

Where,

I am sorry you are going through this.  My husband came out to me 13 years ago. He said he didn’t cheat and that he valued our relationship too much to do that. He came to me first and was very upset about what it meant to be gay. My world fell apart, the only friends I had were friends that we had together and I felt completely alone. Unlike a lot of people on this forum, my ex was upfront with me and didn’t get caught.  Because of this, we were still able to maintain a friendship. It took some time and some space, but we made it work. I thought everything was going great in my relationship too before he started pulling away. What I didn’t realize is that there were issues with us before he started pulling away. I have battled depression and had suicide attempts and my ex stuck with me through all of it. I was in such a bad place, I didn’t realize how unhappy we were even before he came out.

You mentioned that despite everything, you are still in love with him.  I still love my ex and I always will. This is hard to hear, but if you do still love him, you need to let him go. I wanted to move slowly too and we both ended up frustrated. It hit a point where we had a big fight and he left for a couple of weeks. During this time, I was able to start healing. At first I felt so alone that I didn’t want to live, but then something changed. I realized that I was living for us and not me. I decided that I needed to find things that I liked. I went back to school and got a degree, I made new friends, and I found a love for church.

When he came back, I could see that he was in pain. He didn’t feel comfortable with himself. I still loved him and decided that I love him so much and even though it hurt, I had to let him go.  I filed for divorce and ended it. My love is what gave me the strength to let go and give him his happiness.

My advice to you is to not let it go so slow that you drive each other away. I still meet up with my ex for coffee and we are on good terms. It was hard to shift to friends from spouses. I had to learn how to stop leaning on him, stop kissing and hugging him. I learned to be stronger.

As to your trust issues, I completely understand. It is tough to open up your heart again. I love my ex so much that I had to let him go for him to be happy. But that also allowed me to heal and start to trust again. It took 2 years for me to start dating and it didn’t go well at first, but now I am married again and we have 2 children. I was open with my new husband about what I had been through and he agreed to do couples therapy early in our relationship. We learned how to communicate effectively and have honest and difficult conversations about our feelings. I was able to trust again, but I had to be more aware and learn to trust myself first. I missed a lot of signs during my relationship with my ex. I learned to trust myself and my intuition before trusting blind love. I love my 2nd husband, but I don’t let his needs come at the expense of mine.