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1 - Daisyduke
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I am so nauseated, cold and angry
I don't know what to think. My fiancé had begun discussing breaking our engagement....what???? Why???? He broke our engagement ..... Shock/denial, etc. asked me to move out .... Me??? after all I've invested and I have 1/8 the savings he has. then found a bunch of disturbing porn, he demanded I keep his secret only after I found tons of pornography of trans men, a swinging female personal ad, naked pics of his ex GF.
He denied everything, then shared he had been in a long distance six month long relationship with a trans guy in the early 90's before he married his former wife and he never told her (or me). He now wants to "explore sexually" and "have more titillation and excitement" in his sex life and is "extremely turned on" by trans men and wants a threesome, etc. A TRANS MAN??? WTF??? A man who has medically grown breasts and looks like a woman and has a penis? WTH? I can't even wrap my brain around this. He says he's never cheated on me and wouldn't. And I'm confused as hell and I have to begin packing my life and finding a home to buy??? (It's his house)
I feel as though I've lost my mind. I wake up crying, I go to bed crying, we are still in the same bed, I can't keep this a secret and have begun to share it with close friends because I'm getting sick holding it in.
I Don't Know What To Think
- Dee
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Re: I am so nauseated, cold and angry
Hi Daisy Duke,
Sorry you have found yourself here, but you are in the right spot. As painful as this is now, he's giving you a gift letting you know this before you marry him and have a family. He's not who you think he is, and it's only going to get worse. Lots of us invested many, many years of marriage with families destroyed over issues like this that we didn't know about. There is a saying here, Run like your hair is on fire!
Good luck
- WendiT
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Re: I am so nauseated, cold and angry
Welcome Daisy Duke,
You are in shock and all those horrible symptoms you are feeling, the nausea, cold, angry, confusion, crying are all normal given what you have just been told. Your fiancé has given you the truth. That does not make accepting and understanding it any easier, but it will in time. For now do what you have to do to get out of his house ASAP. You will not begin to see things clearly until you are out. Don't worry about making any sense of this now. Just move.
In time you will see that he was not right for you and that calling off the engagement was honest and kind.
Keep reading and posting here. I hope reading the stories of others who were never told the truth over decades of marriage will help you heal and realize you are truly lucky and dodged a bullet.
You are not alone. It has happened to us and we get what you are going through.
"No matter how hard the journey may be, remember to be kind to yourself..."
- Rob
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Re: I am so nauseated, cold and angry
Daisy,
Your in shock because you thought you knew him...but this is him showing who he really is. You can not fix it or change it. Nor can you marry him and wonder all the time if he is with trans etc.
Run like your hair is on fire. You don't want to be married to him...a thressome is not what marriage is all about.
So so sorry.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- whatasham24
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Re: I am so nauseated, cold and angry
Daisy, I'm so so sorry! We all here know what u are talking about when you describe waking up, going to bed crying. It's a feeling of gutted & shocked no one could describe.
Here's the thing, from a spouse of a manly man declaring after 24 years he identifies as Transgender, you have been given a gift & a warning. Had I had a head's up or a choice before I got pregnant, damn right I would have taken it, especially knowing how hard the last 22+ yrs have been. Do not spend one more minute contemplating how, why, who, what if. Don't get caught up in the " bartering stage" of this disclosure like many (most) of us has. Do not ask yourself, "Maybe if I just let him try this one thing...."
It never works out how YOU want. Never!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Is there a bff or relative you can stay with in the immediate time, until you can find a permanent place & collect your things? This would be ideal as your poor brain & heart have enough going on without the worry of lodging/home/bills right now.
Pour a glass of wine, or 7, and get acquainted with the board here & read thru other's stories. You are not alone, there is so much advice here, don't ignore it!
Prayers & hugs to you! talk to people here & your face to face network. It will be your saving grace. Don't isolate & don't give in. You are worth so much more than THAT future!
Last edited by whatasham24 (September 10, 2016 8:17 pm)
- Daisyduke
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Re: I am so nauseated, cold and angry
I can't believe you've each said to get out. I was thinking we could solve this. He came home last night after being out with an out of town visiting married college buddy if his. I noticed a stamp on his hand and he said he dropped off his friend then went into a bar to have a beer but decided against it and came home. A hand stamp is for a club! He's lying now freely is my gut.
We had a terrible argument last night and have never had one of these. He became furious when, after saying he would not give me more $ for a down payment for a house, I went too far and said I shouldn't be in this situation and how would he like it if I spilled the beans about his being gay rather than hold his secret so that his friends and family don't think we are splitting for a "normal" reason thereby supporting him not to give me more $ to get moving.
I have no energy to pack and buy a house and move. I know I have to. Gawd I sound like something out of a made for TV drama. I am highly educated, self employed, attractive, accomplished, etc and in this year have gain 20 pounds, gone to inpt treatment for exhaustion and anxiety and have cut myself off from family and friends. I began to feel he was gaslighting me about a month ago and now I can see he's been totally manipulating me for a year.
Last edited by Daisyduke (September 10, 2016 8:25 pm)
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Thread Starter- whatasham24
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Re: I am so nauseated, cold and angry
get to a friend's house. You are not making a commitment out loud, just get some air. get away from any begging, threats, bargaining, arguing. You need some air to calm down from the heightened state you are no doubt in.
Yes, we ALL would say to get out. there is NO working anything out that doesn't look like HIM having a grand life of a dbl life & dbl standards & YOU COMPROMISING your entire effing life away.
I am talking to you like I would talk to one of my daughters. I mean the utmost sincerity, no ulterior motives, no ego. Just an old broad that has been there & regretted almost all of it sadly.
You deserve more.
- Daisyduke
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Re: I am so nauseated, cold and angry
I can't believe what you are writing, it's just so far out. This is so fucking bizarre and the idea of there being no redemption is unfathomable.... And then I read what I just wrote and realize it's all totally nuts!
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Thread Starter- Rob
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Re: I am so nauseated, cold and angry
A marriage is made up of two people..it is based on absolute trust of each other.
Once one person breaks that trust it is almost impossible to repair.
I tried for many months to try to repair it..I could not. And you'll read of folks here trying for years to fix or make things work. It cannot be done when one person is not for the marriage 100%.
In a sentence. .your not even married and you can't trust where he's been or if he's telling the truth. Marriage wont fix that.
Run.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- whatasham24
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Re: I am so nauseated, cold and angry
Daisyduke wrote:
I can't believe what you are writing, it's just so far out. This is so fucking bizarre and the idea of there being no redemption is unfathomable.... And then I read what I just wrote and realize it's all totally nuts!
Which is precisely why you need to get out of your own head for a few days, couple weeks if you can. You need respite from the crazy, to see some sense of normalcy & balance like the life you knew last month. That's when you'll see it from a bit of distance and make better decisions.
I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this. Find a great friend to chat with face to face, search out a therapist this week. breathe.