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1 of 1- onlyyours2
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So hurt and not sure what to do
So I am female and married a female, we have been together almost 11 years now. 5 years into the marriage she said im a man in a womans body and that she wants to transition. It caused some problems as she had an affair with someone at the same time I get told this info, but we worked it out or so I thought but did not make any effort to transition or anything till 7 months ago. This is where the problems started very badly. So now he wants to be known as male and ok im trying to support him but the problem is he has totally locked me out neglected my feelings, wont even give me a simple hug and keeps telling me he doesn't feel anything and I wont get anything out of him. My friends tell me to get divorced and walk away as he is being incredibly selfish. I have told him i dont get how he feels but if he loves me enough why is just a plain simple hug such a big deal when that means the world to me. Ive tried to hold him and he just lays there like a statue cold and wont hold me back. There is definitely a problem here, that im feeling less and less wanting to support him and the transition as he is not willing to work with me as a team. Ive tried to say over and over I know i dont understand how you feel but you dont support me and wont communicate with me show I matter and put me in a box. That is why im here, is this normal for someone new to Testosterone to isolate themselves from their wives of almost 11 years? He wont talk to me about it and we fight now all the time. He treats me like an outsider and not his wife.
- OnMyOwnTwoFeet
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Re: So hurt and not sure what to do
Only yours,
This sounds so hard! There are others here—not me—who can speak from experience about what to anticipate when a spouse transitions. Most on these boards identify as “straight spouses,” so there will be different relationship nuances than in your own, but I see a lot of similarities in what I have read from some other members who have transitioning partners.
All of us here are dealing with the pain and confusion of our loved one’s new sexual identity—or learning they had a closeted sexual identity. The hurt and confusion of it all can be staggering. We wonder if they love us? Is our love for them enough?
One thing you ask is if being new to testosterone makes a person isolate themselves from their loved ones. No? Yes? But I do not think testosterone is the real question or the real answer.
What seems clear from what you have written—the real question, the real answer— is that your spouse is very self focused now. He has been self focused for some time: He had an affair a few years back. Now he is telling you he feels nothing for you and he will not even give you a hug—not even a “family” kind of supportive hug. It is all a shock to you, and you love him, but you are not sure who he is anymore, so you are looking for anything to blame besides him for his distance.
Although there may be a correlation between your spouse’s distance and his testosterone use, that does not mean the testosterone is causal. Based on the other things you wrote, it seems like what is causal is your spouse’s self focus. It is just escalating now. And his testosterone use is just part of the escalation of the self focus.
All of us here tend to ask ourselves why is my spouse doing this? We focus on them, we focus on figuring them out, hoping there might still be a place for us in their new lives. But they are not focusing on us. So we have to. Eventually, we have to get to the place of changing our focus from them to us, to ask ourselves, “is this an acceptable relationship to me?” “Am I willing to be a tiny blip in the picture that is all about my partner?” As your husband transitions, I suspect he will be even more self focused, not less.
It is not required of you to disappear. That is not a life. That is not a relationship.
We all understand this stage of grief: We do not want to face what now seems a new reality. It is so confusing. I suspect you do not want to accept this new reality either—you are coming here to strangers instead of listening to your friends and instead of lnternalizing the actual words of your spouse, hoping there is a place for you somewhere in his life, somewhere in his future. But I think your spouse has told you he does not want to be with you, in words and actions, and through withholding. Not only does he not want to be with you—he does not really even want you to be with him. This hurts, and you have given so much, including accepting his affair. He is being cruel to drag you along.
Remember: you are important too! You matter! Your feelings matter! A healthy relationship should be reciprocal. A healthy relationship allows us to be loving human beings—to give love and receive love. Your spouse is not giving you love and is also punishing you just for trying to show him love.
Please take care of yourself and find others who can support you. Your spouse does not seem want to support you. I am sorry if I seem unkind. I just hope you can take care of yourself instead of giving more of your life to someone who does not seem to value you.
Last edited by OnMyOwnTwoFeet (June 25, 2019 4:41 pm)
- OutofHisCloset
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Re: So hurt and not sure what to do
Only Yours,
I was married to a man who decided he was transgender; he planned at first to transition and then changed his mind. I am a straight woman, but open minded about sexuality--I'm not a homophobe (and my oldest and best friend, from graduate school, is lesbian).
So I can't tell you anything about the effects of testosterone, but I can tell you that your looking for a reason you spouse has withdrawn from you is not unusual. Nor is it unusual for a person who is transitioning or concerned with a new gender identity to become distant, self-focused and self-involved, and unempathetic. Unfortunately, from what I and others on this site have experienced, this state of affairs doesn't seem to let up. OnMyOwnTwoFeet has spoken words of wisdom here: in wanting to preserve your marriage you are looking for an outside source for the problem, and you would like to ascribe the distance to testosterone, but there are other indications that your spouse had/has withdrawn from you and focused only on her/himself for some time, including that affair.
Here's a question that you will need to answer for yourself: are you, a female, willing to now be in a relationship with a masculinized female who has become a trans man in an effort to become more like a male? My spouse, a male, declared that he was now a lesbian, and he altered our sex life accordingly, and began referring to me in terms he liked to believe were used in the lesbian community. My position had always been that had I been sexually interested in women, I would have sought out a female. He did not respect my sexual orientation, and acted as if satisfying me along those lines was an imposition on him. So you will need, among other questions you will want to ask yourself, to ask yourself that one, as well.
Had my spouse been more willing to negotiate with me from the position of two people in a committed relationship, each of whose needs was equally important, we might still be together. But he was not. It was one-sided, and all accommodations were to be mine to make. That is not how a good marriage works, and I am glad to be free of mine.
- onlyyours2
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Re: So hurt and not sure what to do
Thanks for Sharing your posts with me. I went with him to his therapy session last night and I said my say in the matter and it came out that he cant give me want I want right now and the therapist said well you have your answer are you willing to wait till he is ready to be with you or call it quits. I said I just wanted us to come to some agreement together as its not fair this is a one sided relationship but even his therapist picked his side? Kinda weird to me but, yes it hurts like hell and I know I have to say goodbye. So again thank you for responding. I have to get myself back on track and heal and someday find someone who does want to truly be with me.
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Thread Starter- walkbymyself
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Re: So hurt and not sure what to do
I'm so sorry you're going through this.
The pain of your situation comes through so clearly in your post.
- OnMyOwnTwoFeet
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Re: So hurt and not sure what to do
I am so sorry again for this. Someday there will be someone who really values you for all the love and kindness and loyalty you have to offer. That doesn't make it easier to lose the person you love and have loved for so long. Work and hope and love like you have inside of you are a gift--give these to yourself right now. Help yourself heal and grow. Work and have hope for a happy, healthy future. You will get there.
- jkc1214
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Re: So hurt and not sure what to do
I'm so sorry. It's so hard to find out the person you loved isn't really who you thought. And I think when these people finally find themselves they become incredibly selfish. This is what your'e dealing with now.
But, it comes down to this. You are a lesbian. You are attracted to women. Your wife now wants to be a man...can you be attracted to him? If not, you should just end the marriage now. For your own sake. Start detaching and moving on with your life.
*hugs*
- Angryhurt22
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Re: So hurt and not sure what to do
Personally I know love can grow.. I think you can love a person husband or wife if the where trans and still have you the love and support you needed. Well I feel I could. But I do t think it works that way if they are being a selfish asshole. It is t hard to hug someone or care for them to. I have show care to my husband in the more angriest times. Why cause I put the dickheads needs first. I’m angry with him because he can never do the same for me.