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1 of 1- Retired&Lost
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Ending the Relationship with a Narcissist: The art of Detachment
Just read an excellent article on Ending the Relationship with a Narcissist:
I am in stage 2 of this horrible nightmare and really should change my handle on this site bc I'm NO longer lost but very aware at this point and working towards regaining my sanity, empowerment and life, in general back to some sort of normalcy. Right now as I get my "ducks in a row", there feels to be a calm before the storm. I've been calling him on any lies in our "everyday activities" when I find them, doing things apart from him and becoming more independent in the best subtle ways one can without arising too suspicion. Seeing the last of 3 lawyers next week to feel confident I covered everything financially and followed by my counseling to keep my emotions in check. For me, there will be a huge financial change in lifestyle as I start the search for returning to the work place....after taking an early retirement from a career I probably can't return to meaning much less money. I plan to go on a 2 week vacation in October and no one deserves this better than I do! At this point, I no longer wonder and worry just WHAT he'll be doing while I'm away and no longer feel the need to track any of his devices. I have the proof in my head and heart even though I had deleted all of the physical proof....I know the truth now... That's all I need....haven't figured out the when or how all this will come down but will work it through between the lawyer, counselor and job status. I won't be staying in limbo very long.... Just wanted to share all this and always open for suggestions here. I thank all of you for sharing on this site. It was VERY helpful and just knowing I'm not the only one going through this nightmare!
- Rob
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Re: Ending the Relationship with a Narcissist: The art of Detachment
Retiredbutnolongerlost,
It sounds like your doing good..moving forward.
I read your link and it was pretty spot on. One thing I noticed is these articles are always written by woman with narc husbands or boyfriends. I just want to assure the forum here that not all men are narcs, gay or treat their wives badly. I worshipped mine and would have done anything for her..but she wanted me to let her have a gay physical and emotional affair. When I said no it seems I was a narc and she was the victim. Yes she gaslighted me to think that she was the victim of a horrible husband, that she was mistreated and I had to leave. So article is correct when it says that their reality is different than ours. I could not have treated my ex any better unless I was a god or an omnipotent being. But I gave her physical affection, emotional support, financial etc..i had nothing left to give.
It hurts me that she thinks I was a horrible husband. I don't understand her reality ..that it drove her to have a gay affair..no..she did not drive me to cheat with a girl or a guy (yuck).
The article toward the end said to kick your narc out. My ex tried constantly to kick me out saying she would have me removed. She was the victim..when I asked the victim of what she said if I didn't know that was more evidence that the problem was me. But she was having an affair..I had done nothing. A complete mind fk.
Anyway the article was correct in that it's very dangerous living with a narc...every day I came home I didn't know what new mean thing she would have contrived.
I disagree with trying to get them removed though..the article should not advise upsetting a narc like that..
May God bless you on your exit and journey. We deserve love and basic human dignity.
Last edited by Rob (September 7, 2016 6:48 am)
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- Retired&Lost
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Re: Ending the Relationship with a Narcissist: The art of Detachment
RobI really feel your pain in reading your posts here. I can't imagine the grief you've suffered under this tyrant of a "being" and to have someone you only gave kindness, love and affection for all that time...to treat you like this. The gas lighting is probably for me the thing I am dreading the most about all this. I have been to a counselor twice regarding all this and will see her again next week. I hope she can give me the tools to prepare myself emotionally but as I read the posts here, it's like a death that there's NO preparation for! I have no idea just HOW he'll react but I can only guess that he'll turn all this around to making people think I'm insane, delusional or just trying to lay blame on HIM(where it actually belongs)!!! I hesitate and want to tell my son(he's in the medical field) bc I do have a closerelationship with but don't want to get him involved(especially too soon)...its a silent emotional roller coaster that we or at least I don't even want people to know about. I don't know if in your case, people knew what you were going through but for me, just one close friend who doesn't live here and my counselor know this horrific life I endure. I hope you are seeing a good counselor to work through your pain and as I mentioned before, I hope you learn about your boundaries and not ever allow anyone to cross them again. This is what happened in MY situation. I gave my power over to someone who took advantage of everything else. Sad but I'm slowly regaining myself and especially my boundaries back....I NEVER want this to be a pattern again....I can't see me getting involved with anyone else, as we probably all feel immediately after this "escape" from hell but I know I do have so much to offer the right person and can live a healthy and normal life. I know from your posts that you WILL find someone who will be able to love you and want to share a wonderful life with you. You have so much to offer the right person. In the meantime, heal your wounds and take time to get to know YOU and how wonderful you are.
- Sun
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Re: Ending the Relationship with a Narcissist: The art of Detachment
Very good article, Retired. Thanks for posting. That's a keeper for me. I don't have any suggestions to give you because it sounds like you are doing everything right. As far as his reaction, what I got was pretty much the same as what he always did to emotionally manipulate me; the woe is me stuff. Don't think that he ever badmouthed me to other people, I think he just goes on is his life with others and no one brings up the subject of me. I haven't lived with him for almost 3 years now and I am recently divorced. Like you, people don't know what I have been going through, only my adult children who don't live near me and a therapist. My life's story for almost 38 years isn't what I thought it was. The truth is, I was in a fraud marriage to a fake person. Take care of your health. You will get through this.
- stuck
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Re: Ending the Relationship with a Narcissist: The art of Detachment
Thanks for the great link.
I have been together with my wife for 12 years, and 2 months ago she returned from a trip and said she has fallen in love with a woman, and is now a lesbian. She says she was repressed and didnt understand she was until after this lesbian connection, (even though she has been with women before) and things will be better for everyone if she can live her authentic life. she officially came out of the closet to everyone 2 months after the lesbian meeting.
I am devastated, confused, angry, sad, all mixed together.
The worst part is that we have 2 children, a 3 yr old and a 1 and a half year old.
we are trying to live in the same house for now to keep the children's environment the same, and we can help caring for them as co-parents. This is proving to be very hard for me, as I know she is communicating with her long distance lesbian lover, and she is getting emotional fulfillment and happiness while she destroys the family i hold so dear.
After seeing your link, i am starting to think she is narcissistic as well.
I am really struggling over here, and trying to keep it together at least until my youngest son is 2 yrs old.
Any advice on how to stay strong while living in the same house is appreciated.
Thanks
- whatasham24
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Re: Ending the Relationship with a Narcissist: The art of Detachment
Stuck,
I'm so sorry you have had to seek this forum out but kudos to you for doing so! If you have investigated & lurked thru these threads you will see that sadly, your story, or at least your Wife's excuses, are not original. Gay doesn't suddenly happen upon someone, like a new, undiscovered talent or hobby. It's not something you stumble upon, by chance or fate. Just as you have always known you were straight, same sex desire has also always been prevalent. Stuffed down & ignored, untapped, maybe, but a sudden, new & surprise discovery? Never.
I find it interesting as an outsider to TGT to see a common thread on lesbian vs gay coming out. The women all seem to say, the circumstances were that they had a sudden attraction, therefore I must be lesbian. The men all say they were just curious and exploring. Both are bullshit for sure, but depending on what scenario you fall into, the unveiling story is always the same.
Take the time to read thru the threads here. It will give you so much clarity & confidence on how to proceed. It also really helps ease the thought that you are an asshole for not letting them "experiment" on your watch & that u are not in fact going crazy.
Prayers to you
Sham
- Rob
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Re: Ending the Relationship with a Narcissist: The art of Detachment
Stuck,
You are in shock. I know the feeling..it's that feeling when all the blood drains from your face and you go white as a ghost..
First you did nothing wrong. These spouses think it's ok to have an affair and break up the family. They are not who we thought they were. Mine had her affair after decades ..our kids are not little.
You need to assemble a support team for yourself..therapist friends, family, priest, and sadly but eventually a lawyer. With such young kids you want to make sure your in their lives and not discarded.
Be kind to yourself and stoic and steady for the kids. They will need you. Small baby steps.
Last edited by Rob (September 9, 2016 10:35 pm)
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- Dee
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Re: Ending the Relationship with a Narcissist: The art of Detachment
Dear Stuck,
So sorry you have found yourself here, but you have definitely come to the right place. Other than waiting another 6 months for you child to turn 2, why are you still living together? Most of will attest to the fact that healing doesn't begin until after you are living separately, it's just too damn hard while they are still there, and she's clearly not interested in changing any of her behavior while she is there. My advice is talk to a lawyer, learn your options and start making plans. I know it doesn't seem like it know, but you will get through this, it's baby steps.
P.S.
You might think of starting a separate thread so people can see it and respond. Keep posting and good luck.