BellaB,
    Yes, the light really does go on when you discover autogynephilia, doesn't it?  I remember when I found Bailey's book--a commenter on a NYT opinion piece mentioned it--and read it, nodding my head as I recognized so much of what my then-husband had been saying/doing.  Even he had to agree it fit, and he grudgingly accepted that he's an autogynephile, although his position is "it doesn't hurt anyone" and that if he could pass he'd still attempt to live as a woman.  
  I can't imagine how you deal with having to see your ex almost daily.  I try as hard as I can to stay no contact with my ex, as talking to him, seeing him, or going over to our old house (I moved out) are all upsetting.  If you haven't run across the thread I started with the article on "attachment injury," here's the information.  It, too, is available online.
Donna Chapman and Benjamin Caldwell: “Attachment Injury Resolution in Couples  When One Partner is Transgender”
Journal of Systemic Therapies, Vol 31, No. 2, 2012, pp36-53
(full text of article available online)
 

Hi OOHC - thanks for the reply and the reference. I read it last night and very interesting and validating. For all the therapists and doctors I talked to, not one mentioned Straight Spouse Network - and while very supportive I don’t think any one had any experience with a person who’s spouse “came out”.

The fact that this is a live attachment injury really makes sense and I never thought of this that way.  every time  I see or interact with my ex- she’s still a woman. And that’s unique from getting over a trauma that happened in the past. It just keeps happening.  I know having my daughter on a different schedule would minimize contact, but she’s still young and eventually I’m sure we will move to conventional schedule. It is hard - thanks for validating that . I don’t need to see the lip injections, fake nails, revealing clothes - not that I am against those things. I spend my time and money the way I chose (work and parenting / and I like to save). But it can be triggering. And I have gently been instilling in my daughter what is appropriate dress. 

I also liked reading the  dialogue between the couple and therapist. I wanted to cry because I could relate to the feelings.

Are you still with your significant other? I’m amazed he admitted to being autogynephillic.

OMOTF : thanks I have it set to 81 right now. A little warm but I like to save money and my ex always liked it frigid - like 70. Brrrrr

Thanks again for the replies. I was so excited about learning about autogynephilia. I told my mom by text: she didn’t comment but replied to a subsequent text. Told a friend who said basically “duh I told you it’s mental - now don’t spend any more energy on it.” And two other friends who said basically “strange”.

Thanks to this forum - so I don’t feel so alone in this.

Last edited by BellaB (June 18, 2019 8:42 am)