Boy do I have a lot to say on this!

It is a real distortion for a spouse to say, “sure I cheated on you, but I am bisexual, so that means you are not an accepting/loving person if this bothers you.”

I think the disorientation we feel in this situation makes it really really hard.  We are struggling to catch up and process things:

We love our spouse. 
We want to stay together
We are loving and responsible
Our sense of reality is shaken
Our trust is shaken
But we are used to trusting our spouse
And we are used to turning to our spouse for emotional support
And we have financial dependencies
And we have a a shared history and dreams for the future, yet all of this is in question now
We are grieving
We feel betrayed
We want to be comforted
Our spouses say they love us
We want to believe they love us, and we have believed this before
Our spouses say if we loved them, we would accept them
Our spouses say if we were “a loving person,” we would accept them
Our spouses say if we were responsible and hard working, then we would work on “our shared marriage issues” with them
Our spouses say we sure are being difficult and emotionally unsupportive of them and their needs
Our spouses say we are demanding and expect too much information
Our spouses say—if we ask them to listen to our hurt—that we just want to hurt them
Our spouses say, why can’t yiu forgive?
Our spouses say, why can’t you just move forward?
Etc etc etc

It is a lot to take in!  And it is totally totally distorted.

Being bi or gay does not give a spouse a free pass to do whatever they want and then we have to “love them” by feeling good about it as part of our own relationship.

There has to be reciprocity.

“Reconciliation” requires two people.  Does your spouse really want to meet you in ways that nourish you? Does your spouse care about your feelings?  I do not think so.  How on EARTH is multiple affairs, and messing with your health, showing ANY kind of love?  Maybe “reconciliation” here means just that he expects yiu to “reconcile yourself” to whatever he wants, and you are supposed to be happy about it and shut up about your own feelings. 

Nope.  Not Ok. 

I find clarity by focusing on “what is a healthy relationship?”

Here are resources that have really helped me:

Should I Stay or Should I Go?
https://www.amazon.com/Should-Stay-Relationship-Can-Should-be/dp/042523889X

This book, by Lundy Bancroft and JAC Patressi, has really helped me think about myself in my marriage—not in a selfish way, but in an “I am part of the relationship too” way.  It is absolutely wonderful.  Nurturing, respectful, and so so so helpful. I realized how incredibly lopsided my marriage was.  We can absorb a lot of blame for marriage issues when married to a gay (or bi) spouse, or to a cheater.

Ana Fels, NYT editorial, “Great Betrayals.”  Read this.
https://www.nytimes.com/2013/10/06/opinion/sunday/great-betrayals.html

Minwalla, “What they don’t know will hurt them.”  Very short article.  Read it.
https://theinstituteforsexualhealth.com/blog-3/


Chump Lady website. 
https://www.chumplady.com
Super duper helpful!  So much clarity!  Look at her resources—her main articles.   Then go back to the daily posts.  Or, just search the site for words that concern you.  Note: if swear words bother you, just accept them anyway.  Dive in anyway.  Here is a starting place article:  https://www.chumplady.com/2013/07/reconciliation-and-entitlement/

Your husband is a cheater.  Being gay (or bi) does NOT give him a free pass.  He wants to stay married because he wants to have his same sex escapades and also have you there to provide a stable home and cover for him.  This man does not care about you, except for in what you can do for him.

Even recognizing this, sometimes, on one level, it is hard to get our minds and emotions and bodies in sync with each other.  It is hard to deal with our fear.  You have a lot of stuff to work through.  Do not let joint marriage counseling make it like you have to just accept whatever he wants you to accept.

Do you have your own therapist?

It is not OK for your husband to create this false comparison—watch for it, in its many forms.  Husband says, perhaps sad:  “You are hurt and want me to listen to your hurt.  Well, that hurts me!  It hurts me to have to listen to you say you are hurt!  It hurts me that you do not accept how hurt I feel that you are hurt by me wanting someone else.”

Washing dishes and being polite is not love.  Those things may or may not arise from love.  Love, in an intimate relationship, requires deeper things: respect, trust, mutuality, empathy, listening, responsibility.  Those things are foundational. Being polite and doing chores is just responsible human decency.  Husband does not get a gold star on his forehead for what anyone should do.  If the foundation is not there, you can wash a gazillion dishes, and so what.

Remember:  forgiveness and compassion are not the same as staying together.  Forgiveness and compassion can be in one person.  One person alone can show forgiveness and compassion toward another.  Reconciliation requires two people.  A healthy relationship requires two people.  A healthy relationship requires mutual care and reciprocity.  Not just in words, but in actions.  Including listening to the other person and accepting responsibility.  But that listening and taking responsibility must go both ways, not just one way, not just from you  toward him.  You can still be a responsible, loving, compassionate, forgiving person WITHOUT staying in an unhealthy relationship.

Last edited by OnMyOwnTwoFeet (June 6, 2019 11:49 am)

Dear Married 30 years,
I empathize with what seems like your struggle in  a relationship with someone who isn t treating you appropriately.
He might be questioning his sexual orientation but that does nt give him the right to behave abusively
.
He d better shape up or ship out.

Take care.

Married.....well done you! 

Keep posting and letting us know how it's going. I think when our tears don't come as easily that we've definitely crossed a line that marks a difference in our journey, but I 'm not really sure how positive this line-crossing is. I used to cry at the drop of a hat, every morning...4am...but as time has gone on and my focus shifted from us to me as being more important I began to feel stronger and less reliant on the comfort of my tears.
I do hope I haven't lost some of myself by having to be stronger, maybe it's simply the new me

Married30years: Good for you!  He was awful to you, to turn it that way.  I know you love him still.  And you hope he chooses you.  Please don't let him pretend, though.  He needs to understand how hurtful what he just said was, and why. And he needs to not just listen to you and nod; he needs to articulate it himself. 

Bancroft, Should I stay or should I go--Look for the rules for a savable relationship.

Quick...change your name! Maybe to the "Mermaid who is not drowning" All my best wishes for strength and an easy path through this.
What are your emotions? Does it feel freeing to finally hear something definitive from him.. And that there is hope now for a new life for you?

Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (August 12, 2019 6:18 pm)