Cannot Even: I know how vulnerable you are feeling right now, and actually it's entirely possible that the best place for you and your children is in your parents' home.  I don't know the dynamic in your family of origin, but if I'd made my discovery back when my daughter was that young, it would have been absolutely terrifying for me to even contemplate the financial disaster of separation, much less divorce.

Please know that we hear all kinds of alarm bells in your story, and we have our own suffering to manage.  I think the most dangerous part of our journey, frequently happens when we're not fully aware of the danger itself, when we're reeling from the shock of discovery and terrified of our own vulnerabilities -- it's tempting in this moment to make decisions that can have very bad long-term consequences.  For example, you can find yourself trying to relax the rules of your marriage, hoping it's more "fair" to your husband, and without realizing that in the long term you can't live with his cheating -- but you've already told him that under certain circumstances you are prepared to live with it.

In your current state, it's a bad time to make concessions.  You may end up learning the hard way that you've given away far too much and asked far too little.  The better course is to defer making these decisions for a while, as you need time to process what you're going through.

It sounds like you want to try and find a way to make this marriage work.  There's a section here for people making mixed-orientation marriages work, and you can get a sense of how others have worked through the challenges.

Please make sure you are emotionally prepared for your "plan B".  It may never come to divorce, but we have all had manipulative and dishonest spouses masquerading as honest and loving ones.  Even if you don't end up like us -- try to prepare yourself for every possibility.

Try to imagine what your personal "line in the sand" might be.  It's just a start, but once you know that there's a boundary he needs to respect -- it makes it easier for you, and to be honest, makes it easier for him to know how to comport his behavior if he cares about staying with his wife and children.

I know you don't want to be told to break up with him, so I'm not going to tell you that.  But you also know that we see your situation through the filter of our own experiences, and there are far too many alarm bells going off when we read your story.  

Thank you, walkbymyself, for the alternative.   He is actually 100% closed to therapy or any kind of discussion through those issues.  I tried to bring up something I'd read and he kind of groaned.

I feel extremely upset, almost in crisis at the moment, and I need to take time away from this issue right now.  He isbout now, potentially going to do some crazy shit, and I have to go through another long afternoon and night alone with the kids in the house.  It's hard af.  Before leaving, he confirmed that he was really angry at me.  While eating (the meal that I had prepared) he made sure to take all sorts of shots at me, but in this quiet, dark way, like, it hurts, doesn't it?  Maybe you should go back now; it would be better for you because I'm just hurting you.

Last edited by CannotEven (June 14, 2019 1:55 pm)

WastedTime-NZ wrote:

Welcome to our Forum WT It's good to see another member with NZ after their name 
(I was beginning to think I was the only one)

CannotEven,

So sorry..  I look at your situation at a more normal married coupled level..   If I had  4 month and 6 month babies at home the last thing on my mind would be going to a gay pride event.     That speaks  more about his mindset  and character...really tells you all need to know.

 

Last edited by Rob (June 16, 2019 10:34 am)

a_dads_straight_journey wrote:

Triggers123,
I don’t know if triggers ever entirely go away. I’m finding the further one gets away from a traumatic experience that the grief needs to get re-processed.  The fact that your son now talks about his father’s partner makes it real again and impossible for you to distance yourself from it and not re-live it. It is VERY difficult and I am very sad that you find yourself here.  You will find empathetic people here that have walked similar journeys.

Every interaction I have with my ex takes emotional preparation and brings home the reality. And my ex didn’t cheat before she left, that is she didn’t lead a double life,
and yet that still doesn’t lessen the pain of her GID.  However, I think I am getting close to the point of ‘meh’ (ChumpLady reference) in dealing with her. 

All I can offer is that as time goes by it gets easier. Surround yourself with kind, empathetic people and as your son sees and grows in that community he will figure it all out.

Wishing you so much strength and courage during this difficult time...

ADSJ

a_dads_straight_journey

Thank you for your words. It has definitely been really hard. And I have been  relieving  Everything for the past couple of days. I think that I was able to cope with it by not trying to think about it or hear about it or even see for my self in post from social media. That’s why I deleted everything because I didn’t want to be reminded about everything. My journey has definitely been hard , but now 3 years later everything is coming back. The betrayal, the hurt. All this has definitely been hard for me to be able to open my heart completely for someone else. Even dating has been a challenge, cus my guard is up and I’m vary cautious in any new step I take with the man I’m dating right now. Sometimes I even think he can be gay and do the same thing to me. I believe I still have the trauma specially since I get anxious and uncomfortable when there’s a Gay man around me.  What happen to me killed a lot of the woman In me, because to not be touched by your husband and know that he cheats on you with men is one of the hardest thing anyone can go through. To any woman reading this , I urge to be brave if your going through this right now. Be brave and get out of this situation, because staying in it will cause so much pain, and rejection. You will start questioning about your self in a bad way.