Hi there. I know it won't make the pain go away but I have been going through the same. I am also new here. I found out 2 weeks ago. My husband fell asleep in the livingroom with his phone on, I walked through and saw a pic of 2 men kissing and slid the phone out of his hand. I then realised it was grinder and he was looking for right now sex with older guys and Asians. I just froze. Like a kick in the guts. He too, has been physically and mentally abusive through our whole relationship. I've been told if I was a real women he wouldn't do what he does. I ask for it, if I was tidier, spoke less, showered more as i "stink", i.e wasn't me, it wouldn't happen. We have no kids. I always wanted a family but he would never have sex with me, too tired. "Look at you, who would want to fuck that?". I'm a total mess just now. Zero self esteemconfidence and think i really am the biggest idiot in the world and he picked me as i was a total fool.

When I confronted him he totally denied it, even though I saw all his messages and told me I just was snooping and he's entitled to a private life. He told me he was recording the conversation and was going to call the police on me. He came at me telling me I just want to be attacked so I can get him into trouble.
He told me early on in our relationship he was bi when I caught him watching gay porn. Said it so normally that I just thought it must be me with the problem. It meant nothing. In fact everything has always just been me. Nothing I've ever done was right. I was such an idiot but I honestly thought if he's gay he just wouldn't be with me surely, it's all me, my head, I'm just being crazy. 13 years later, no intimacy, zero rwlationship, living with pretty much a housemate whose always screaming at me and telling me how crap am It's been awful. I still live with him. I moved to other side of world as he was homesick for NZ but left all my friends and family and now have no support or anyone I can talk to. Have no idea what I'm going to do. At least I have my dog! How sad is that. It's the only thing I have in my life but I can't rent anywhere with my dog so I might have to leave him behind. I have no children as he robbed me off that chance so my dog is like my child. I know people think that's stupid but if they'd walked in my shoes they'd realise my dog has been my guardian angel through all this. Your so not alone

WastedTime,
   It's not you.  It's him.  It's all on him.  The daily devaluing, rejection, blame-shifting, and other forms of abuse you have suffered  have taken their toll on you until you feel you have to apologize for loving the dog that has been your only comfort, and the only creature in your household who has returned your love. 
   You are not an idiot.  In fact, your belief that he wouldn't be with you if he was gay was a completely normal and rational conclusion to reach.  The problem here is that he isn't normal, and when you're dealing with the disordered thought process of the closet-warped personality of a self-hating gay person in denial, normal codes of logic and reason don't apply.  
   You have been conditioned by his daily assaults to blame yourself.  It is a self-affirming and healthy impulse for you to post here, to have a place to tell your story and reveal your pain. 
   

Whirligig wrote:

If you're going to be the witch that ruined everything? Make what you ruin be his plan to destroy your life. You wreck that completely! Give that a*hole the middle finger by being happy! Even if it's just for spite until you forget he was ever anything but a bad memory. Don't let him take anything else from you.

Heh heh.  Just hadda see this again.

Maybe I should tattoo this on my body, somewhere I can easily see it.
 

MJM017 and others...
I’m finding the archive posts on chump lady very helpful in managing that anger of being deceived.  Whether they cheated before they came out or not it is the personality of a cheater. Seeing the common personality traits, responses, and behaviors of a cheater on Chump Lady is making it easier to get to ‘meh’ in the interchanges I have with my ex and to set boundaries.

ADSJ