Well, I’ve been surfing through post after post since finding this site a week ago (and after finding so many stories that sound so much like what I’ve gone through), I’m going to take the time to write my own. We’ve been married for 22 years, I’m (man) 42, she’s 41. 
First thing, I’ve made many mistakes in my marriage, and own that fact. I was unavailable emotionally in the beginning, and even cold sexually for a time. This was a complicated thing in my own heart, but I own that I caused my wife much hurt in those years. I rejected her. 
I’ve also not made wise decisions in regards to her coming out several years ago as bisexual. My response at the time (looking back) was part thinking it was purely a sexual thing, and part covering my insecurities that I bring from my childhood of not wanting to feel left out or excluded. I, at the time, suggested swinging so that we could experience this part of her life together. We participated in it for a couple of years, stopped, then started again with a friend of hers later. I know this was a mistake, and I regret it. 
So with that stuff out of the way, my wife and I got married really young (she 19 and me 20). She had come from an abusive home, my parents were going through a divorce at the time…we found comfort in each other. We’ve always acknowledged that it was a mistake to get married so early. We’ve had a tumultuous relationship, fight/bickering way too much. Through it all, we stuck it out. 
Early in our marriage, things seemed off almost immediately. My wife started going through deep depression. This was different than the life of the party I was used to in her. After 7 years of this- her mood swings, screaming, hitting me (I’m a big guy, so it was never damaging), an affair with another man in college- we finally went to see a counselor. Immediately the counselor diagnosed her with bi-polar, and she got on meds. Our life since then has included having kids (4), and her rollercoaster ride of getting on the right meds, off meds, changing meds, skipping meds…it’s never been a smooth road. 
13 years into our marriage we were sitting on our deck around a fire pit, drinking beers, and she came out to me that she thought she was bi. She has always been a tomboy, but also very sexual. When she came out to me, I didn’t have any reference point of what it meant that she was bi. I mean, I knew the mechanics of it, but what really does that mean when you’re married? Does it simply mean that you have these feelings that will never be fulfilled with another person, or does it mean that it is something that you HAVE to act on?
That’s when I brought up the swinging. Sure, it was titalating to think about, and we had some crazy times with it…but really I wasn’t thinking correctly about the situation. We stopped the swinging, had another kid, and continued our complicated life. Then 4 years ago my wife entered into what she terms her “midlife crisis”. She basically came to the conclusion that I had stolen her young adult life from her, and she was going to live that life as a late-30’s woman. She began going out with friends…often. Like she would be out until early in the morning several times a week. She totally emotionally shut me out, and went through a time of “hey I think you’re a great guy, I just don’t love you anymore.” After months of this she came to the conclusion that she didn’t want to divorce, but just needed her independence. 
A year into her midlife crisis she began hanging out with C. C was a woman that we had known through our kid’s activities in the past, but my wife began hanging out with her on a more regular basis. C was married with kids, and someone who had some serious mental/emotional issues of her own. C had never acted out in any type of same-sex attraction before, but quickly she and my wife began to proposition the husbands to start swinging together. I had went through a year of hell and isolation with my wife’s midlife crisis and need for independence, so I eventually agreed.  Things never really went well with them and us all together, but their friendship became deeper and deeper. My wife began spending a few evenings a week hanging out at their house, while the kids and I would be at home. At this time my wife began drinking and smoking pot at a higher volume and frequency with C and her husband. 
As time went on my wife came clean that she felt a romantic connection with C, but that it didn’t affect our marriage as they were two different types of relationships. Problem was, she connected with C on a deep emotional level, and effectually cut that out of our marriage. 
C and her husband have a really unhealthy relationship of their own. Blowups, suicide threats, heavy drinking…it is a mess. My wife and C went from friends to lovers to totally co-dependent.  At first I was OK with her relationship with C, but I continually let her know I wasn’t cool with her basically abandoning us (the family) by spending all of her free time with C and other friends. My wife called me smothering, controlling, or a buzz-kill. She told me I was overreacting, or that I needed to get a life of my own. 
Starting at the end of 2015 things were getting really bad. My wife was continually depressed, in bed, or gone from our house with other people (specifically with C). Any time I would bring this up she would become angry and say I was the problem. I had stolen the best years of her life, now she was trying to put together her new life. The beginning of the year she stopped taking her medication for bi-polar, and went through a two month manic phase. Pure hell. She truly was crazy. That came crashing down one night when we were with mutual friends and she got too drunk and hit on one of the wives when they were off by themselves. This caused a major falling out with a whole group of friends of ours. That incident at least shocked her back into getting on her meds…but the craziness didn’t stop. Either she was depressed or gone. Her interactions with me were either dumping all of the negative stuff on me, or ignoring me. During these months the only way we she would have sex with me was if she was high on pot. The pot we had we bought legally, but was something I only did a handful of times over a year. She began to smoke often, and began to buy on her own from non-legal sources. I eventually confronted her on her frequent drug use, and that she needed it to even have sex with me. She said I was overreacting. 
Finally this past summer I kind of just reached my limit. Due to work schedules and out of town trip, there were a few days that we didn’t see each other or talk. I noticed that I actually felt relieved by this, and for the first time in forever wasn’t obsessing over our relationship. So I just carried that out over the next weeks. I felt peace, and was ok in my own skin. Mid-July my wife stopped me in our bedroom one day and said she wanted to try to reconnect, and work on our marriage. I was wary, and told her so. I explained that I had felt used, and that she just made me feel bad and paranoid. She apologized, and I agreed to give it a shot. 
Well, giving it a shot meant that I was once again emotionally vulnerable. To the point that I checked our phone records to see who she had been talking to. Through some snooping I discovered one number that belonged to a guy that I didn’t know. I worked up the guts, and confronted her about it. She finally came clean that he was a drug dealer, and that she had been addicted to cocaine for several months, but that she was off it for a week. This was a bombshell to me. She also said that she had been doing it with C, and that she was also addicted to it. 
Talk about your world falling apart…mine felt shaken to the core. All those months that she said I was being paranoid, she was out almost daily scoring and doing coke with her girlfriend. I felt like a fool. But, she continued to say she wanted to work on things, so I agreed. She had began to see a therapist, so I saw some glimmer of hope.
Until a couple of weeks ago. 
For the past couple of months her favorite place to go with C for a night out has been a drag bar. She loves being around all of the gay folks there, and loves the environment. That should have been the billboard on the side of the road that made me wake up, but it wasn’t anything more extreme than what I had experienced with her so far.  Then a couple of weeks ago we were talking and she let me know, “I was talking to a friend and I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m more gay than I am straight.”
She doesn’t know what this means for her, or for our marriage. She also said I was being unreasonable in being hurt by this. “It is what it is.” So for the past couple of weeks I’ve vacillated between trying to win her back, and totally withdrawing from her. She exerts no energy from her end to build our marriage back, and shows little response when I do these things. But when I withdraw, she asks why I’m mad.   
So here I am. I have told her I don’t see the reason to stay together, but she refuses to think about divorce because of the affect on the kids. She is a nut-job that has to force herself to be around our family, so I’m beginning to think us splitting up may not be a great idea as living with her around at least gives me some control on the kid’s environment.
 

Last edited by CES (September 9, 2016 2:20 pm)