I'd suggest that you try to remove some of the stress you are feeling by accepting the reality that he is going to continue to do whatever he wants. Acceptance does not mean you like what he's doing or that you agree with any of it but just that it is the way things are.

It sounds as if marriage counseling is not worth continuing. If you are separated I hope that you have an attorney who will make sure you are getting the financial support you need. The children may be reacting to the disrupted family and their schools may be able to help you get them into summer school so they can catch up. 

If your house is on fire you do what you have to in order to get you and your children to safety. Try to focus on yourself and your children now rather than on him. Make your lives as calm as you can, one minute, hour or day at a time and celebrate your small successes. You can survive and thrive.

KitKat,
     I have those very same thoughts: is sitting alone in your house wearing women's clothes really worth the disruption you caused in all of our lives (not just the immediate but the extended family)?  Is it worth sacrificing the financial comfort we had?  The future we'd planned for?  
   Reluctantly, I have concluded that for him, yes, it is.  I do not understand this, and I think it's both a selfish and self-destructive choice.  But he has shown over and over again that this is what he wants, and that what he wants is all he cares about.  He has been more than willing to stick me with all the consequences, all the way along, and has communicated in many ways that he thinks this is A-ok.  As Abby says, I have had to accept that, even though I don't agree with it.  I'll tell you what, though.  Seeing what I have and experiencing what I have cured me of wanting to stay married to him!  
    Accepting that he is who he has shown himself to be, however, is not always enough to quell my anger when he sticks me with the short of the stick.  This was especially true for me at work, where he continues as the man everyone has always known him to be, while living his double life and deriving his secret pleasure from interactions with people who have no idea what perversions they are fueling.  He destroyed both my family and my work life.  
   For me, the only way to heal was to put as much distance as I could between the two of us and the triggers that set off my rage and my despair.  I was, fortunately, able to this, because I could retire and our child is an adult.  I try to have as little contact with him as I can; every time I must interact with him, or be in a place that I associate with him, it is a trigger for the trauma. 
   You are not able to disengage like this and go no contact, because your kids are young, and he has parental rights (which is another bone to stick in your craw).  But I do believe that the more you can disengage from him, and this includes detaching emotionally from him, the better off you will be, and the better, sane parent, you will be able to be.  And as Rob says, your kids need you to be the sane parent.  Is it fair?  Of course not. Emphatically not!  But it is what you have been stuck with.  Yes, it's unfair, and yes, you're the one suffering while he waltzes around in the pink fog high of feminizing, and yes, it would be more than just for him to have to suffer.  But it is still the reality, and you have to deal with it.  You need all your energy and your wits about you to do that; if your anger is so great that it disables you, you need to get a handle on how to re-direct it so it can power you through what needs to be done.  A good counselor can help you do that.
   I agree with Abby that it sounds as if joint marriage counseling is not helping you.  What the two of you want out of counseling is diametrically opposed: he wants your "acceptance" of his belief he is or can be a woman; you want validation for your feelings and for him to see both the error of his ways and the hurt and damage he has and is causing to you and your children.  Neither of you is going to get what you want. 
    That's the first thing you have to accept.  A marriage counselor's "loyalty" is to "the marriage," not to any one party in it, and that, as you perceive, leaves your counselor unsupportive of your needs right now, which are to have acknowledged and validated the hurt you are feeling, the injustice of the situation, and your anger. You need validation of what you're feeling and going through before you can tackle the more practical details of a parenting plan.  As you have realized, that's not going to come from your STBX.  But you can work with a counselor who will validate your feelings. 
    I would suggest that you need to find a therapist for you, and you alone.  You do not need to reconcile with your STBX in order to work out a parenting plan with him.  What you need are strategies.  You also, I would suggest, need a lawyer, because you need the force of the law behind you.  If he chooses not to do something, you need the law to back you up.  You don't want it to be a situation in which you are asking and then he is deciding whether you can have.  You want a situaiton in which the law determines what is fair, and the courts back it up and level consequences when/if necessary.
  Kitkat, sweetheart, I promise that it will get better.  It will never be like it was; it may never be ok.  But it will get better. Ten months seems like a long time, but in grieving this type of death--because that's what it is, a death, not just of your marriage and the future you had planned, but of your spouse--ten months is not a long time. To lose your husband to his new trans identity is its own special kind of disaster with its own special kind of pain, and as with all disasters, you're being asked to accept and recover from what has laid waste to your world while also having to do the heavy lifting of cleaning up the debris left in the aftermath.  Go easy on yourself.  Let yourself feel what you feel; your feelings are valid.  Then roll up your sleeves and get on with putting out the fire that has sparked up, and ask for help from those who can help--and he is no longer one of those people. 
  
   
   

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (May 29, 2019 8:09 am)

ADSJ,
   You always manage to distill the issues down to their essences.  I read you, and it's like the analytical sharp edge. 

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (May 29, 2019 8:12 am)

KitKat, I am so sorry you are going through this. It is not fair in any way. I have often wondered the same thing though. Was it worth it? And like OOHC, i have concluded that, in my STBX's mind, yes. It was worth it.

I have been working with a wonderful therapist that deals with betrayal trauma, and I would highly suggest you find a therapist/counselor who deals in trauma to help you sort through all of this. (I found mine on the APSATS website, btw.) She helped me reach a point of acceptance that has been very beneficial and healing. I had to come to terms with all that I had loss (not just the big things like husband, marriage, etc, but also things like lost time with my children as we now co-parent and I start working). She helped me accept my spouse's true character - not the man I fell in love with, but the one who lied and deceived me for 20 years. She also helped me accept (really accept) that not only did I not do anything wrong, but that if I could go back, I would make the same choices given the information I had at the time - that is how effective my spouse was in his deception. She also helped me come to terms with the fact that my spouse will NEVER acknowledge or take responsibility for the hurt, pain, disruption, and trauma he brought into our lives. I needed to accept that and move on with that knowledge. I had to accept that this will always be a part of my life. I will always have the scars from this and that cloud will always be overhead. My goal is that it becomes just a wispy, thin cloud that cannot stop the light and warmth of the sun from shining through it.

She also showed me that it was necessary and okay to take value in my worth and to stand up for my rights. In other words, my spouse has the right to change hir story, but ze has no right to change my story or my past. 

I will also say that she helped me accept all of this without ever making me feel as if I was to blame in any way. In fact, she often said, "This was done TO you by someone you trusted and depended on. Your anger and pain is normal." The position I found myself in was not my fault or responsibility. However, how I reacted to it was/is. I am responsible for my happiness. 

Get an attorney. A good one. And if dealing with your spouse is triggering than use the attorney to do deal with him so you don't have to. Yes, it is more expensive, but your sanity is worth it, so be kind to yourself and do that if you have to.

I wish you strength and peace.

Abby, on mediation, there are pros and cons I agree.  I chose mediation for the following reasons.  I was in a position at least that my ex  said in principle, she wanted the best for the family, so by mediating I could hold almost every decision up against that standard.  I was also in a very liberal county where I knew the courts would be very sympathetic to a gay female.  My ex also hadn’t worked in 15 years so the post divorce support arrangement was not something I was interested leaving up to a judge.  My ex had already abdicated enough responsibility with her GID for 30 years, I  wanted to hold her accountable for her decisions at exit.  I could see her abdicating accountability again to attorneys and judges. I wasn’t going to have that.

Regarding process, we both also had an attorney looking out for our individual interests.  Our attorneys were involved. We used the mediator alone for many of the non-financial issues and the attorneys were involved with the mediator in the final completion of the agreement including the finances.

For anyone early in the process I encourage them to look at all options. You don’t get another chance to exit. However, for the MTF trans I read about on this site, no offense to them,  but many of them sound like a hot mess.  I also can’t imagine dealing rationally during a period where someone is taking hormones to change themselves.

Abby, you are correct, the emotional stability of the other party and the energy it takes to even sit in the room with them are also factors in deciding the path. 

KK, I wish you the best with all these decisions. 

ADSJ