I liked the list but am a little stuck in the steps because I am wondering what do you do when the other party is 'resisting' their relocation? I'm at a loss on this part. I didn't get as involved as most other members but I am now fully aware of the truth even though neither of us discuss it. However, for someone not interested in me romantically they seem to object strongly to my attempts to evict them so to speak.

In my case, I don't think it's malicious but it's weirdly confusing. For obvious reasons they can't continue to occupy a place in my heart meant for someone who might be able to love me. I just don't know why they would want to stay put or what I do about it until I stop caring.

All, on the grieving list, I don’t think they are necessarily in sequence. They are just tasks. And when we are triggered it’s helpful to identify them.

Whirligig, on relocation, I believe as long as you have to interact with them, it’s a constant process of relocating them. I continually have to push back on my ex. I think she wants to be friends but I can’t do it. I don’t think she comprehends it because she is gay. I don’t think she can  see it because she never loved me as a man, a partner. Maybe as a friend, in the final years, as a roommate at best, but I loved her as a man loves a woman and had to unlove her to keep my sanity. In the end it was unrequited love and I don’t think they can see that. That’s why it feels weird.

Lily, I’ve been thinking about your question, and am not sure where to start. I feel robbed of time, resources, and opportunity, and don’t feel she has a clue what she actually took by staying. I tell people, I’m not angry she left, I’m angry that she stayed so long. She knew something was wrong and just kept digging her self in deeper because she was afraid to be alone or gay.  We were married 14 years and knew each other 17 before we successfully adopted our son.  She had 17 years to rectify that situation and then drew 2 kids into it.  She had suffered a few rounds of depression and had therapy in those years before kids and the therapists convinced her that her depression was the result of not having a family.  In hindsight I can see that wasn’t true.., she resisted infertility treatment and insisted I lead the adoption process.  Friends I knew starting families in those years said their wives made them feel like sperm donors because they were so eager for children... my ex was the opposite and hesitated all the way.  She also robbed me of my sexual identity and expression by continually  rejecting my interest in her sexually. She made me feel guilty about having desire for her.  I guess I just feel like she dragged the whole damn thing out for 25+ years, tore up my kids lives midstream, wrecked my retirement, and all because she just didn’t have enough courage. That’s just not right.

And I still have to navigate the triggers with every interaction with her, hence the task list above.

Moving forward, I’m inspired by a few role models and plan to make the best of whatever time I have left.  When I divorced I remembered that Nelson Mandela was in prison for 27 years before he was released at 70 and look what he did with the time left.  So I am trying to rebuild with half the resources and show my kids  a healthy relationship with a straight partner that wants to give and receive love - reciprocity.

That’s about where I am.

Thank you lily for your kind perspective and the ehug. I've been very depressed. I struggle with blaming myself on a regular basis for both my initial interest and now the desire 'to get the hell out'. I know it's rooted in self-preservation but it still feels unkind and unlike me.

Thank you as well adsj. Unfortunately, I think you are right about constant relocation. I can see that scenario being very likely too. Many a straight opposite sex friendship has blown up for similar reasons. The fact that someone can't see that just because they don't share the same feelings doesn't mean they don't exist and that a friendship may be impossible afterwards still boggles my mind.

Lately I feel like I'm on a teeter-totter doing a balancing act knowing perfectly well that no matter what I do it's going to end with me bleeding in the dirt and crying my eyes out yet again. I'm really tired of getting thrown off the playground equipment because somebody is lying to me and telling me 'don't worry, it'll be fun, you won't get hurt, trust me'...right before they leave me there alone to go play with someone they actually like. I'm over it. I'm taking my ball and going home. I have snacks there and I am a wonderful person. Their loss.

I met my wife in college and she was actually the one who pursued me, I was too busy at the time to really work on a social life. I was working full time while going to school full time. It was a nice change for me -- I was used to being rejected by the women to whom I was attracted. I had some serious self-esteem issues and I think these people all pick up on those signals.
She asked me out and at first I was suspicious thinking that maybe it was some sort of sorority prank, who could bring the biggest nerd to a social function :-) I think that she was drawn to me as someone who was kind and caring and who had the potential to be a good provider.
She wanted intelligent kids and saw me as a good candidate to make that happen through genetics. I think she genuinely thought that maybe if she hooked up with the right man that her SSA feelings would somehow subside, or that she would be able to contain them.
Early on in the marriage she tried hard to make things work. After we conceived our second child (and she wanted exactly two) things changed immediately. She no longer was concerned about how I was feeling, was no longer attentive to my needs, and basically metered out physical intimacy at a rate of just enough to keep me from outsourcing it to a third party.
It has been about a month since I came to the conclusion that she is GID. Now I'm trying to navigate this journey -- something I could never have imagined in my wildest nightmare.
It has been wonderful to have this forum to share with others and learn that I'm not alone in this journey. The waves of emotions continue to roll in and out... shame, guilt, anger, denial... it has been a bumpy ride so far to say the least! My life is complicated by the fact that we run a business together and have struggled financially only recently getting back on our feet a bit.
Sleep is really hard these days -- I can't turn off my brain to just get some rest. I keep ruminating about all of these things, worry about the road I'm on and how to deal with the aftermath once this all blows up. My wife doesn't yet know that I know she's GID. I haven't figured out how best to bring that conversation to the forefront. One child graduates from high school in a week and the other will be entering high school in the fall. Lots at stake and I need to make sure I make smart choices in how I navigate this journey.
 

Sonali wrote:

Found our recently that my husband is gay/ bisexual and he had been cheating on me for a very long time. We have a daughter at uni. I told her .
I want him to be punished for what he has done to us.
What's the best way.

 
Welcome to the Forum Sonali 
The best way is to focus on you....and your daughter...
.....not your husband
 

Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (May 20, 2019 5:50 pm)