Dixie's assumptions aren't untrue, in fact she specifically said that no one knows if their partner will cheat. But most often the desires do grow, whether they act on them or not. Deception occurs in many ways and doesn't have to result in cheating. It really boils down to whether CA will be happy living a life always wondering when the next shoe will drop, or if her man is truly happy or satisfied. And for him, whether repressing his true desires will make him unhappy. It's a recipe for a disaster that can be avoided, regardless if cheating is involved. It often becomes an emotionally abusive relationship, despite the parties intent.

In CA's situation, they just married and he revealed a deep secret of his but tried to play it off as though it were minor. They've been together for 4 years but he's been living with this secret far longer and hid it from her the entire time. That shouldn't be how you enter a marriage or a long term relationship. Especially when it's an ongoing secret. He deceived her on a MAJOR issue. How will she learn to be fully comfortable trusting him at face value?

I'm not convinced it works that way, and I foresee her being unhappy and always wondering or digging for the real truth. This is toxic and will drive a person crazy. I know this from experience, and it's truly a toxic way to live. You begin to emotionally abuse yourself, lose your self respect, self esteem and yourself in the end. It makes the whole relationship toxic. And that doesn't take into account what it does to the other person who's not living their authentic life, or if they act on their desires.

Hopeful, I do truly hope your situation works out. I am skeptical, but no one knows your relationship besides you and your wife. But, there's no one on this board who's spouse hasn't either cheated or deceived them for many years. Or who's relationship didn't suffer immensely bc the other spouse's intimate withdrawals. Or a spouse who became so terribly unhappy because their marriage wasn't what it should be so they drove themselves crazy trying to figure out why and often blamed themselves, when it had nothing to do with them personally. None of these outcomes make a healthy relationship and often ruins one or both spouses. That is not okay, no should anyone live that way when they have a choice to leave before more hurt is accumulated.

Cheating is just one issue, and many don't even deal with that. It's the lies, deception, manipulation and self doubt. There's a ton of other results that should be taken into consideration before a choice is made, not just cheating.

I wish you the best, and I'm sorry that this post isn't eloquently written. But I hope you understand what I'm trying to say.

Generally speaking, most of us do not want to be divorced, separated or alone, to feel like they just threw in the towel without giving it their all, to feel like they failed, just walked away. This is called good character but sometimes you also have to recognize when you are pushing a huge boulder up-hill or building a dam that keeps needing constant repairs. Sometimes love and compassion is in knowing when to let go.

Last edited by Daryl (August 24, 2016 6:37 pm)

I tried yo make it work. My situation is the same. It just gets worse. More lies. He says he loves me too. Wants to be with me. He still cheats with men. It has escalated to hook ups. Its harder to leave the longer it goes on. Every time I hope for it to be the last. It never is. I'm living in hope too. I wish there was a way to make it OK. I thought that its just porn, just an attraction. If you love someone you don't act on it. Figured we can all be attracted to others doesn't mean we can't be faithful. Thought I could live with his attraction as he still seemed interested in me, still wanted me. I hope you make the right choice. I dont know if there is a way forward without giving up part of who you are, turning a blind eye to keep your life. Nobody can tell you what the future holds. You have yo do what is right for you. Hugs.

I know its hard. I'm still here in my situation. Mine said he would never cheat. Was so loving. Great sex life. Very happy go lucky. I found at least 7 years worth of emails detailing meet ups with men.

Maybe your guy will never cheat. Mine said he wasn't gay. Couldn't imagine sharing his life with a man. It was just a curiosity. Its true it gets stronger with age.

I can't advise you. Even when it happens it is hard to leave. Let alone leaving due to the prospect of it. However if he admits to having thoughts of gay sex then it may be a tough road ahead.

I'm  a romantic. Thought if he loved me enough he wouldn't have to act on it, especially as our sex life was very frequent and good. I just wanted to believe him. I guess for the first 7 years of our marriage I was enough. He could keep it yo just porn. The last 7 years I never guessed he was cheating, let alone with a man. He has always been romantic and living.

I wish you the best no matter what you decide. I wish I had saved myself years of heartache and left when I found the first clue.

I have happy memories but wonder now if they were genuine.

Maybe your situation will be different.

Whatever road you go down won't be easy but I wish you well.

Hi Hopeful - thanks for the response!  And yes, we have sat down and talked over and over and I've told him to think on it over and over and every time we talk he says that he does like the porn and gets mad at himself that he does and that he feels like he isn't 100% gay because he likes women too much. I don't know if this is just a classic "Bi" situation or what... but this is what he has been telling me for the past 2 months now..