SS1979 .  I’m sorry you are experiencing such feelings of neglect. They may not know what to do or how to react. My ex’s cousin and my ex’s brother didn’t reach out to me directly, but early in the separation they were supportive of me when they saw me at family functions. ( We attempted birthday parties for the kids jointly in the first two years and I would see them there).  In the last few years I only show up for funerals, and they are still supportive.

You might try taking the first step with a text.  I don’t know what else to offer.

I was a typical liberal on trans issues until my ex declared he was "a woman in a man's body" and I lived his disordered reality for three years.  What I discovered is that I, like most people, did not have a clue about what so many men who declare they are or want to be women think, or how they act.  Most liberal people just work from a naive and unnuanced "let everybody be who they are" stance, and have no idea of the sexual element and the wounded narcissism, narcissistic rage, and heightened self-victimization exhibited by these men.  
   I am a former director of a women's and gender studies program.  I flagellated myself because I was sure that my reluctance, my horror, and my visceral repulsion to my ex when he was acting as the offensive stereotype of woman he wanted to be was transphobic.  I figured that everyone else would excoriate and attack me for my reactions and objections in the same way my ex did (and that I had internalized).  I saw how my campus was transforming into a place that accepted without question the transactivist line, and even went so far as to endorse the slur "terf," which I knew was the label they would apply to me.  I felt beset from all sides.
    Well...guess what?  When I finally began to come out of his closet, and to tell the people I knew, family as well as people who were my friends and colleagues, what had happened and how he'd acted and treated me, what he'd said to me, I found out they were far more supportive than I'd imagined they would be.  They didn't say, "You're transphobic!"  They said things like, "How awful for you!" or "I can't believe you endured that for three years!"  Some even said, about his decision to remain in the closet, "In this day and age? That's unacceptable!"   What I found, that is, is that a lot of the pressure I was putting on myself, a lot of what I expected to hear from others, was not in fact warranted, but a product of my own blaming myself for not "being accepting," which in turn was a product of him blaming me.  If you are isolated and in his closet, he is warping your reality.
   It is true that his sister, with whom he is close, was and is focused on his future happiness, although she has acknowledged that I had been presented with a superhuman challenge, and she has expressed her gratitude that I tried as long as I did.  But that hasn't stopped her from saying things that I found hurtful, and she has expressly said she didn't want to read up on autogynephilia--which I interpreted to mean that she doesn't want to know because it might interfere with her view of her brother.  In my view she has a naive view, because she, unlike me, is exempt from the intimate view I had.  A wife's experience is not a sister's.  And as he is in the closet, she has not seen him acting out woman; he's told her he's trans, but she's only ever seen, and continues to see, him as the brother she's always known.  Easy to "accept" when your reality stays the same.  For us, reality changes utterly, and most people have no idea how, or what the effects of that are on us (and our children). 
   It is also true that my university's interpretation of Title IX was used against me, to shut me back into my ex's closet.  I was lucky; I had many years of service and the option to retire--which I took in service to my values, my self-esteem and self-worth, and my principles.  But although the institutional stance was hostile, many of my friends and colleagues on the faculty support and supported me--and some who don't know my story have spoken to me privately about feeling railroaded to accept the trans activist line pushed at the institution.
   I would suggest, Straight Spouse, that you not look to his family for support.  If you don't have family, or family close, or you have been isolated by your husband's actions, then reach out to friends of yours.  Even if life with him as cut your social circle down, I am betting you have one or two friends left, even if they are far way and electronic communication is the only way you can speak to them. You may be surprised to find they are far more understanding than you fear they might be.  And yes, an occasional one might react in a way that is less what you had hoped for--just note that, and don't talk to them again on the issue.  Discover who you can count on, and listen to them. I'll bet what they say will validate you. His closet is HIS.  You don't have to share it.  

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (May 3, 2019 9:33 pm)