So I'm about 6 1/2 months from discovery that my husband was prolifically cheating on me; ITC, Gay and Trans. I chose to leave at 3 1/2 months from discover. At the time I chose flight. Unfortunately my husband was not willing to come out of his closet, even for me, even with mounds of activity in on-line chatrooms, hook-ups, texts, photos. We were unable to come to terms because he would not come to the table. Without saying it, our marriage was over. It explained the breakdown of our love relationship over the past 4 of a 20 year marriage. There was alot of gaslighting going on in the last 4 years; in this, I mean his turning every conversation, inquiry, discussion about life, marriage or anything - back on me, and making feel like there was something wrong with me emotionally, professionally, personally, mentally and even physically. It's left me in a unique and challenging place in my life.

When I left, I was just in shock. I started counseling before I left, and have continued in my new home state...twice a week. There is profound grief for the betrayal part of this, the loss of my marriage, my dream of love, losing my friend, watching him stay ITC and needing to keep his secret. We also mediated our own settlement and divorce; and didn't even hire lawyers to go for more benefits for either side - in the spirit of me needing to get the hell out of there and know that I had a way to financially survive on the other side....quickly.

Did I mention that I'm 60...he was younger than me. So I'm starting over, and though I look young - it ain't easy in ageist America. And this is what it is like for me, having chosen to leave. I've now learned that in the relationship we created a codependence. He was sending me on lavish vacations, allowing me to shop as I pleased. But we had no friends or social life, and I was kept isolated, until I became only his house keeper and roommate. I take responsibility for knowing there were signs and ignoring them. Our initimate life was nearly non-existant and I actually verbally suggested to him that he was gay because of the lack of connectivity between us sexually.  Though in a long term marriage, you think the relationship will weather the storm and recover..so I stayed too long at the party.

I'm pretty devastated still. Confused, crying, in and out of feeling like participating in daily living, not sure where to work, where to make friends. Still not wanting to socialize. Having the tightest budget ever...starting over is expensive. Counseling suggests I give myself time, self love and compassion to move through the stages of grief. It's a roller coaster. Someone told me that the price of love is the pain of it's loss. And may I add, the freaking stress.

In closing, I don't, and make myself not picture, my husband in his new ITC Trans life, or worry about his journey. We still communicate, about the dog and the support, so some of the stressors remain; as we transition through this and try to come out on the other side as friends. I hope to check back in further down the road with a more uplifting story of recovery. I'll continue counseling and bit by bit restablish myself, get healthy physically and emotionally. This too, shall pass. Right?